He Had an Affair: Should I Confront the Other Woman?

should i confront the other woman

It took blood, sweat and tears to get my husband to tell me about the other woman.

This was days after he admitted having an affair with her. A 6 month affair to be exact. But he did everything he could to avoid spilling out her name.

When he finally did, I spent the next three nights fully awake, agonizing about one question:

Should I Confront the Other Woman?

Should I confront her?

I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurt beyond belief.

On the one hand, I really wanted to tell her off. I spent hours trying to come up with the perfect remark to deliver along with my poisoned umbrella tip.

On the other hand, I wanted to meet her. To see what this woman has that I don’t. To get all the affair details from her. I wanted to know how she could sleep at night. Was she married too?

I found her number on my husband’s phone and I called her.

2 seconds later I hung up. Something stopped me.

I had a feeling that this would be a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life.

Do you think about contacting her right now?

What do you think you’ll gain from this?

1. Telling Her Off?

Unless this woman has no idea that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for, she knows exactly what she is doing and has devised all kinds of rationales, a brick wall guarding her from anything you have to say.

She has convinced herself that your marriage is ending. That you don’t give him what he needs. That you’re crazy.

“Stay away from my husband you @@#$$% !!” – You’ll scream at her. And you’ve validated her assumptions: You’re nuts.

In her eyes she is “saving” your husband from a marriage of misery.

And she will tell you this. She will tell you why your husband cheated with her. She will tell you things (that even though are complete lies) will scar you for life.

Considering this, telling her off will not make her develop a conscience; it will only make you feel pathetic. Stuck with the memory of this conversation forever.

2. How Could She Do This?

If you’re just curious about how this woman could engage in an affair with a married man, skip it.

Think about it. To stay in an affair with a married man for any length of time, you have to take a long leave from your senses.

Either she suffers from low self esteem (Remaining a side dish for who knows how long?) or she is a flaming narcissist (rules don’t apply to them).

My point is – Who cares?

Take your flashlight and point it at your spouse. Why did HE do it? Than point it to both of you and ask – How did this happen to YOU two?

(Read: The 7 Types of Extramarital Affairs and Why You Should Know Them)

3. Getting the Truth about the Affair?

Another common reason to contact the other woman is getting the whole truth about the affair.

You may think that your husband is lying about it. Or is not telling the whole truth.

(And you’re probably right).

How did the affair start? Who initiated it? What did he tell her about you? About your marriage?
You want to know everything. And you want to know what your husband is still not telling or lying about. You can’t help it.

But let me assure you: You won’t get the truth out if her.

Just like your spouse, her story will be adjusted to her beliefs, her side of the things and you’ll only get the twisted leftovers of the affair details.

She is not your friend, and she will not try to help you.

Plus, to get this information, you’ll have to appeal to her sense of humanity. You’ll have to force yourself to be classy and beg her to talk to you “woman to woman”.

What a boost to her ego.

And for what?

To get the truth about the affair, talk to your husband. There are ways to get the truth out of him – It’s easier than you think.

(Read: The 10 most important questions to ask a cheating husband)

My Conclusion

women fighting over a man

To this day, I’m so happy I didn’t contact the OW.

I saved myself from feeling pathetic, begging for information and helplessly pleading for humanity.

I prevented a gigantic ego boost both for her and for him (Two woman fight over me? Great! I must be such a man!)

And most importantly, I realized that it is pointless.

I should focus on me and him. I should focus about healing myself from his affair, and than healing our marriage to prevent this from ever happening again.

She has nothing to do with it. She has nothing to do with us.

If your husband wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for another woman, no amount of rage or rational will prevent that.

Don’t call her to tell her off, beg or plead. Get her out of the equation and focus on you and him.

If your husband has already left you for her – Here’s what to do.

If your husband shows deep remorse but you don’t know how to deal with your pain – Here’s my advice.

If you don’t know if you can ever trust him again – Here’s what to do.

Confronting the other woman? A pointless exercise. Pointing a finger and laughing? Definitely. Go right ahead.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

What would you do? Would you contact the other woman? I’d love to know what you think in the comments below.

 

* Shared at: Messy Marriage /We Are That Family /

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

My Husband Ignores Me – Why & What Should I Do?

my husband ignores meI can’t remember the last time my husband actually listened to me when I talked to him.

Or the last time he called me during the day. The last time he asked me how my day was, joked around with me, or bothered to tell me things about his life (before his friends).

It feels like my husband completely ignores me. I feel neglected and humiliated. Why does he act like this? And what can I do to change this?

I felt I had to answer this reader question on my blog, especially because I get the “why my husband ignores me” questions all the time. I hope you help me out and share what you think about this too.

The Pain of Being Ignored

Do you feel invisible when your husband ignores you? Do you find yourself upset, humiliated and depressed about it, wondering why and how it happened and if your marriage is on the brink of divorce?

Do you feel that talking to your husband is like talking to a brick wall and that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying?

I know you’re at loss, but you’re not alone.

You won’t believe how many marriages suffer from this passive aggressive pattern.


The good news is that no matter the reason your husband intentionally disregards you – You have the power to change it, faster than you can imagine.


You can get his full attention back. You can get his love and caring back. And you can become his #1 priority again. Stick with me and you’ll’ learn how.

My Husband Ignores Me – WHY?

Ignoring is a passive aggressive way of dealing with a chronic relationship problem.

When your husband ignores you, no matter if it’s all the time or just after arguments, he is trying to avoid and run away from a problem instead of dealing with it and solving it.

(It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore!)

So he spends all day at work, way more than he really needs to. Or he locks himself in a room playing X-Box or watching who-knows-what on the computer.

He fills his spare time, which should be spent with you, with friends/family/golf/whatever. He never seems to touch you, or kiss you (unless he wants sex) and never tells you he loves you.

When you try to talk to him about it, he gives you lame excuses and ignores your feelings all together.

Ignoring is always a result of marriage communication problems. And, not knowing how to communicate with each other is the #1 cause of any marital crisis.

The Simple “Method” To Make Him Notice You Again (& Listen)

Making your husband stop ignoring you is all about communication. The key to getting a man to listen to what you say and open up to you is to understand HIM before you talk about YOU.

I know, annoying advice. You already feel like he has all the power and you always have to understand him while he doesn’t make a tiny effort to do the same?

Your humiliated ego screams.

It’s completely normal.

But I’ll tell you why it’s the key to solving your probelms: Because this is the way to get everything you ever wanted from him.

Example

Let’s say your husband spends all his time working, or locked up with the computer, and has no desire in spending any time with you.

One day you try to talk to him about it, and this is usually how the conversation goes:

husband ignores you

And this is where useless arguments start, or he just leaves the room and runs away from the conversation and both of you end up highly frustrated.

Now, here’s the golden secret…

In order to be understood, you have to first understand.

In other words, you have to show your man that you understand his situation first, before you expect him to understand yours.

When you do that (talking about his needs first), you’ll get it back ten times over. He will instantly cater to your needs, without any resistance.

Can I suggest the right way to do this?

husband ignoring me

When you are willing to give while you communicate, before you expect to get anything back, you can make your husband do anything you want from him.

You can turn a difficult situation into an easy one, just making a few adjustments with your words.

It’s simple, and it works.

What If My Situation is More Complicated?

Believe it or not, there’s probably a relatively simple solution for your problem. It’s hard to believe that when it feels like the gap between you is huge.

But most of the time, a little adjustment in the way we talk to each other, can make a huge difference in our marriage.

Imagine if you were given a set of tools and “tactics” which will show you exactly how to tackle various problems with your man and always come up on top?

That’s exactly what I’m going to show you next.

Follow this link right now, and watch the video on the next page to the very last minute.

You’ll learn how to make your husband stop ignoring you, neglecting you, discount and avoid you – Today.

It’s definitely an eye opener.

Bottom Line

When your husband constantly ignores you, your marriage is in serious trouble.

When communication disappears for a long period of time, the intimacy and friendship can be lost forever.

But there are simple ways to completely reverse the situation.

Most of us rely on pure luck or chance, and hope that things will somehow get better with time…

The truth, however, is that it won’t unless you do something to change this situation now, before it’s too late.

Start with these simple (but genious) tips, and you’ll know what to do next.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S
I’m very interested in your personal experience with your husband and how you’re tried to deal with this…Please share them with me in the comments.

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Related Posts

My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me – What Can I DO?

Help! I Think My Husband Hates Me!

Right vs. Wrong in Marriage Communication

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

5 Tips to End Your Marital Crisis Once and Forever (Free Report by Dr. Huizenga)

end your marital crisis

A marital crisis throws you into a painful world. A world of the unknown.

Sleeping, eating and thinking clearly are overwhelmed by the constant thoughts of him/her, your potential loss and questions of what you can do to heal the pain and restore the relationship.

It is difficult to stay on the healing and rebuilding path when a marital crisis erupts.

And, with most, when the pain and tension begins to escalate it’s next to impossible NOT to say or do that which shoots you in the foot and makes the situation worse.

There is much to learn.

(Most of us probably know more about how our cell phone works than how our marriage functions.)

But, learning and gaining knowledge alleviates your fears and empowers you to chart new courses that will help you get the love you truly want.

Dr. Bob Huizenga, an author, researcher and marriage coach for more than 30 years, offers a short (free) report that I think anhyone going through a marital crisis will hugely benefit from.

The “5 Tips to End Your Marital Crisis Once and Forever” is an eye-opening practical guide to help you take the first step OUT of your seemingly hopeless marriage.

Click here to download it right now.

Here’s what you will learn in “5 Tips to End Your Marital Crisis…Once and Forever:”

1. How your ignored pain becomes the invisible elephant sitting on and squashing your life and relationship.

2. How you misunderstand and misuse your pain and miss the boat.

3. The ONE question that Dr.Huizenga asks, that’ll stop your chatter, take your breath away and begin your healing.

4. How to raise your distancing spouse’s or partner’s eyebrows and get him/her wondering and more connected.

5. How to nicely confront your partner with the powerful truth.

6. How to stop playing the “if only you would…” game.

7. How to stop wimping out and be powerfully you.

8. How to move beyond the temporary fix for your relationship.

9. How to stop being the loose cannon shooting off your mouth and begin being your powerful you, and get heard.

10. The 4 reasons your self esteem is flushed down the toilet in a marital crisis.

11. The secret to staying on track in repairing your relationship damage.

12. The 3 circumstances that will throw you off that repairing track.

13. The 6 keys to stubbornly moving ahead, keeping connected and refusing to bend or break.

Next, download the free report to read now

Your marital crisis is NOT the end of the world.

It could be the beginning of a new chapter that brings you much more closer than what you now think possible.

Make sure you download the free report “5 Tips to End Your Marital Crisis and Pain Once and Forever” to guide and empower the healing and resolution process in your marriage – Today.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

Feel free to share this free report with anyone that you think needs it…:)

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

The 7 Types of Extramarital Affairs (and Why You Should KNOW Them)

types of extramarital affairs

Scared.

That’s how I felt when I found out my husband had an affair.

Sure, at first I wasn’t. The first feelings were rage, resentment, disgust, shock, confusion, numbness and helplessness.

But bottom line, when I looked deep down – I was terrified.

Terrified of losing my family, of facing the unknown, of my life falling apart. I felt completely out of control in my own life.

And since I “knew” that there was no way my husband loved me (husbands who love their wife don’t cheat, right?), I felt unloved and alone.

I didn’t understand what exactly I was up against and what I can do to deal with it and heal from it.

Why You Should KNOW the 7 Types of Extramarital Affairs

How would you feel if you KNEW the real reason for your husband’s affair? If you knew what it MEANS about your husband’s character?

How would you feel if you KNEW what to expect to happen next? If you knew whether he will leave you for her? If you knew the odds of saving your marriage?

How would you feel if you knew specifically how to increase the odds of surviving the affair?


You will stop being a victim. You’ll have options to act, feel and think differently. You will regain a tremendous feeling of personal power.

You will truly realize his affair was not your fault. That you are not “defective”. You will have an educated guess as to the outcome of this crisis.


This is what you’ll gain from knowing the 7 types of marriage infidelity.

These 7 affair types were discovered through the research of Dr. Robert Huizenga, a long-time marriage coach and the author of “Break Free from the Affair“.

I thought this could be really helpful for you, so here are the 7 affair types (and what to do about them):

The 7 Extramarital Affair Types

When your husband tries to explain his infidelity, which one of these “excuses” did he give you?

1. Our Marriage Made me Do It

“Our marriage is dead”; “Our marriage is lousy”; this is what you’ll hear from a cheating spouse who believes his marriage “made him” have an affair.
He will claim no intimacy, no sex and no excitement. He’ll say you’ve grown apart, that nothing is “happening” in your marriage” and thus the affair “just happened”.

2. I Can’t Say No

We all have the capacity to say no. But some of us haven’t developed that capacity or reached the ability to say no and mean it. They are “stuck” and seem unable to be consistent to act on the “no”.

His history, personal development and internal “blocks” play a role here.

3. I Don’t Want to Say No

Some people just don’t want to say no, whether they admit it or not. They believe they just don’t have to. Here the old term of “philanderer” applies.

These people’s relationships are marked by a serious of sexual conquests and they live for the thrill of the score.
Was your husband like this BEFORE you were married? Chances are he never really changed.

4. I Feel Out of Love (and I Love Being Loved)

According to Dr. Huizenga, this is more common for young couples, mid or late 30s or younger.

Usually the cheater reports “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this “shift”. He wants to recapture feeling in love (a feeling which always fades) and has, by chance, found a significant other who has awakened these feelings again so he feels “in love” again.

These people will not settle for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the “love feelings”.

5. I Want to Get Back at Her

This is the revenge affair. It happens in a marriage in which the cheater feels slighted in some manner and looks for revenge by engaging in an affair.

This type of affair is less about moving towards the other woman and more about moving away from his spouse.

6. I Need to Prove My Desirability

Most of us are pretty shaky when it comes to our sexuality, let’s face it. How can we measure up to the models on TV and in magazines, ever?

This affair type has to do with the degree to which the cheater feels wanted. After “familiarity” sets into a marriage, self doubts can be rekindled easily.

If your spouse doesn’t understand the stages of marital growth and lacks a core sense of self esteem, he becomes an easy prey to confusion and disenchantment.

7. I Want to Be Close To Someone

It seems that marriage is like an endless dance. We move close to try to be as one and after a while we move apart to claim our own space and uniqueness.

Intimacy is the ability to move comfortable between joining together and individual expression. This affair type applies to those who want to get close to someone, other than or instead of, his spouse.

However, a relationship with a 3rd party is never intimate. And this is exactly what the cheater subconsciously wants. To NOT be intimate with anyone.

(See more signs of an emotionally unavailable man).

What Do the Affair Types Mean?

Each of these affair types has different motives, patterns and characteristics.

For example, the “philanderer” affair type demands different actions than the “I want to Get Back at Her” affair type.

Once you’ve identified the affair type in your marriage, you will feel the first “wave” of relief.


In his guide (which I highly recommend), “Break Free from the Affair“, Dr. Huizenga reveals the characteristics of the person who engages in that kind of affair, what you can expect to happen, whether they will live happily ever after, what are the odds of saving your marriage, how to know if you want to save it, and how to make it happen as fast as possible.


The reason I recommend this to you is the bottom line. The bottom line is no more fear. No more helplessness and loss of control.

You are no more a victim. No more feeling like you’re frozen in time.

Knowledge is relief, hope and power. And power means having options.

And you need it now. Before this crisis destroys you (and I’m sure it threatens to already).

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

What do you think about the 7 types of affairs? Do you have an 8th or 9th?

 

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PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

The 10 Most Important Questions to Ask a Cheating Husband

10 critical questions to ask a cheating husband to survive an affair

“O.k. Yes. I had an affair with her”.

My husband couldn’t look in my eyes when he finally admitted his 6-month affair with his co-worker.

I went completely silent for about 10 long seconds.

I wouldn’t exaggerate if I said that about 50 questions went through my mind, along with the shock, the rage, the humiliation and disbelief.

I didn’t know you can feel so much and at such intensity in 10 seconds.

Before anything else, I felt I had to know every single detail about his affair. Right now.

What? When? Where? Who? Why?

“The Five Ws are questions whose answers are considered basic in information-gathering. They are often mentioned in journalism (cf. news style), research, and police investigations.

They constitute a formula for getting the complete story on a subject.”– Wikipedia

The 5 Ws were definitely my most urging questions, except for “What?. I already knew “what”; it was more of a “say what??” kind of thing.

Unlike many other cheating spouses (who do everything they can to NOT answer questions), my husband chose to stay and answer every question I had.

“She” was someone I knew from his work. I liked her myself. His boss gave them a project they had to work on together.

This project had them spending a lot of time together. They started going out to “work-lunches”, which turned to “dinner-lunches” and before he knew it, the work-talk turned to intimate talk.

They liked each other. They had a lot in common. They shared their life struggles and finally they shared a bed too.

The more he told me, the more (unbelievable) pain I felt. I knew that the more I knew the more upset I will be, but I couldn’t stop asking more and more questions.

But I Didn’t Ask the Most IMPORTANT Questions 

It was only after I found the only resource that got me through this crisis that I realized:

I wasn’t asking the right questions.

Sure, you have to know how it started, where, how many times etc. Because it teaches you about intention. There’s a difference between an office romance and hooking up with prostitutes, right?

But there are other, more important questions to ask a cheating husband. These questions can make or break your marriage.

They will show you if there’s a chance of surviving this, and they can help you start your healing journey the right way.

I’ve found these critical questions in Dr. Frank Gunzburg’s “How to Survive an Affair” book:

10 Questions to Ask a Cheating Husband

1. What did you do with her that you never do with me?
2. How did you feel after the first time you slept with her?
3. What did you say to yourself to justify your actions?
4. Was it hard for you to keep lying to me about what you do and where you are?
5. What did she offer to you that I never did?
6. What did you tell her about us? Did you confide to her about our problems?
7. How did she make you feel when you were with her?
8. What do you feel for her?
9. Did you talk about a future together?
10. Would you leave me for her if she asked for it?


These questions, if answered honestly, will give you everything you need to know about how and where to go on from here.

They will show you what’s missing in your relationship. They will show you how and if he really regrets his betrayal. They will show you if he is being honest and if there’s a chance you can trust him again.
They can help you prevent this from ever happening again.

Warning: Do Not Ask Him Before Considering THIS:

These questions are very risky. You may get some information you don’t really want to know, or know how to handle. Remember, once you have this information, you can never give it back.

Dr. Gunzburg’s advice is that before you ask your husband these questions, write them down in secret and hold on to them for a few days. Consider if you really want to know the answers and imagine him answering them in a few ways.

Think about how you would feel and what you’ll do if he answered this or that. It will help you be prepared to hear and discover the truth about your marriage and your relationship.

What to Do If He Refuses to Answer

If your husband refuses to answer questions about his affair, it’s not because he doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s probably because he (rightfully) thinks that the answers will hurt your feelings and he doesn’t want to hurt you more than he already did.

Try to tell him, without anger, that you need to have some information to start your healing process and that you know that you won’t like the answers but you are well prepared for them.

If you tell him this in a calm manner, I believe he’ll open up and tell you almost everything you want to know.

What MY Husband Answered

As a part of the “How to Survive an Affair” step by step program, I asked my husband each and every one of these questions.

I was heart-broken to find that he had real feelings for her. That they indeed “playfully” imagine a future together. That she supported his dreams and fantasies in a way that I didn’t.

But I also realized how truly and honestly he regrets his affair. I saw how much he was willing to do anything to make things right between us and prevent this from ever happening again.

I saw that he was doing his part in saving our marriage. He went through every page in the “Cheating Partner” section in the book and followed every piece of advice to help me heal and regain my trust and my love.

How to Survive Your Husband’s Affair

I always say it, and I’ll say it again: Do not try to overcome his affair and betrayal by yourself.
Having the right kind of advice, preferably in simple step by step format, can be the difference between a restored and renewed marriage and a quick divorce.

And you can’t wait a minute longer. More fruitless fights, accusations, distance and fear are each another step towards divorce.

And if you don’t really try to solve this at least now, you’ll never know what could have been.

The “Survive an Affair” program is a relatively low-cost resource that can get you’re the help you need right now – Straight to your computer in a simple download.

For me it has saved my marriage and helped us make it better than ever. I hope it does the same for you.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

I’m probably leaving out some important questions.What would you add to this list?

 

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My Husband Cheated – Burn His Things or Give Him Another Chance?

How to Deal With the Pain?

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.