Can Separation Save a Marriage? 3 Surprising Ways to Use the Split to Save Your Marriage

can separation save a marriageThat’s it. It’s really over.

That’s what you thought when your spouse decided to leave (or already did). Marriage separation is just a pit stop in the way to divorce. Everyone knows that, right?

WRONG.

Can separation save a marriage?

I know that what I’m about to claim goes against everything you believe in, but marriage separation is your golden opportunity to not only save your marriage, but make it better than it ever was.

Can Separation Save a Marriage?

Your spouse has given up. He or she are tired of the bickering, the tension, the lack of communication, the fact that you never do anything fun together anymore.

Even worse, he or she are may already be  in love with someone else, and left you to be with him/her.

“I’m not in love with you anymore”, he or she said, and your whole world, your whole life as you know it, collapses around you, making a huge noise.

It seems there is no hope. Your marriage is terminally broken, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

But you couldn’t be more wrong. Separation CAN save your marriage, if you know exactly how to use it to your advantage.

3 Mistakes That Can Ruin Everything

Here’s what most of us will do when we desperately try to stop separation and divorce:

1. We try to give them reassurance – “I can change. I will stop nagging. I will stop being controlling. I won’t lie to you ever again”.

This almost never works. They will not believe you.

2. We Argue – “I don’t believe that you don’t love me. You owe me love because we are married. I can change the way you feel right now”.

This never works. This is exactly what they expect to hear. More arguing and inacceptance of their feelings. This is why they want to pull away in the first place.

3. We tell them how much we love them – “I love you. You are the only one I’ll ever love. You’re the only one I can be happy with”.

You’re basically telling them “I have no self-esteem. I have nothing with you. Do you want me?”

But don’t lose hope just yet. Even if you made all of these mistakes (in less than 30 minutes…), there are ways to repair the damage (if you use the right marriage separation advice from now on).

 3 “Secret” Ways to Use Marriage Separation (to Save Your Marriage)

marriage separation

Remember that marriage separation is a “trial divorce”. An emotional divorce – Without the final dissolution of the marriage.

Instead of giving up, use these separation advantages to get a second chance to your marriage.

1. Stop Arguing

Your spouse wants to pull away from someone who always disagrees with him/her. From someone who never sees things their way.

By arguing and criticizing your spouse’s decision, you are only reassuring him that he made the right decision.

“I want a divorce. This marriage is broken and can’t be fixed”, He/she says.

“I agree”, you say. “This marriage is broken. I understand how you feel.”

It seems like you’re moving faster towards a divorce, but it’s quite the opposite. You are disarming his /her negative feelings. What happened to the arguing and not-listening spouse they wanted to breakup with? Who is this pleasant and understanding person?

This takes the props totally out from under their hostility. You are finally seeing things their way. You are secure now.

2. Stop Needing

Marriage separation holds a golden opportunity of him/her missing you. It’s a chance for things to cool down. The constant noise of daily fighting and tension tones down and your spouse can finally realize his contribution to the marriage problems.

Your spouse has the chance to miss you, to miss the good times you used to have.

Your spouse can finally appreciate the things he has taken for granted, like the way you took care of your home, you children, the many ways you were supportive to him, the way you took care of him.

But all of these important things can only happen if you completely stop needing, begging, expressing your eternal love and saying how much you miss him.

You have to prove your independence and that you are happy about things just the way they are.

I’m not saying no contact. You can call and say hi, ask how he’s doing, but do not try to talk about your relationship, complain, need, ask, beg or plead.

This is the only way to make your spouse realize how much he/she has to LOSE if you split permanently. Even if he/she is already with someone else.

3.  Rebuild The Love

Just because your spouse said that he no longer loves you, doesn’t mean that his love his dead. Usually it means that his feelings are “crushed” under years of anger, frustration, neglect, resentment or other negative emotions.

I’m not saying it’s your fault. No way. Both of you are equally responsible for the marriage problems.

But if you were once in love, you can fall in love AGAIN.

Instead of giving up on your marriage and your family, instead of sinking into depression, use this time to get the knowledge and the best advice to rebuild the love.

There a few critical skills you need to learn to revive the love, intimacy and connection. These are not tricks, gimmicks or psychological games.

These are skills that can save your marriage even if your spouse has cheated, had an affair, fell in love with someone else and has left.

It’s not enough to just stop doing the things that has hurt your marriage. You have to take some rebuilding positive steps to end your marriage separation and return to happier and more loving relationship than you ever had.

This is your chance. Your golden gate. Are you going to go through it or just give up?

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

I highly recommend this program (book + exercises) to help you use this separation time to save your marriage. It truly has everything you’ll need to do and say to prevent losing your marriage for good.

 

 

 

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

Comments

  1. says

    Your partner might say things like “I don’t want to talk” or “I’m not good at talking.” Usually, the real issue is that he gets easily flooded with too much information and shuts down. So, when bringing up an issue, end your description after three sentences.

  2. says

    In several relationships when a husband and wife has taken some time apart the relationship is often more powerful and deeper than ever before if they select to get back together. It is critical that both of you are ready to put in the hard work and make the necessary changes. The less finger pointing the better possibilities of success.

  3. Dorris says

    it is true what your saying that marriage it is for both to take responsibility to make it work. what about iam the one i putt effort to make it work and he doesn,t. i found difficult to trust my husband, after he cheated me 4 times, he will ask for forgivennes and telling me how he loves me and he never do it again! i forgive him but after few months i will see again text romatinc msg to the woman who has been having affair with! it has been going on for many years he doesn,t change am talking 23 years of marriage no matter how hard am trying to make it work, sometimes he will blame me that am not satisfying him with sex, he does not appreciate every thing i do in the house,i work full time to raise income, some times i caught him so many times talking behind my back with his sister that how horrible iam and he is staying with me because we had children together. I will confront him and he will say sorry and i believe him and try trust him again, but he will do it again and again.my self idon,t want divorce i want marriage a full family. i do know how long i should suffer like this staying with a man who doesn,t change i feel like iam a stupit woman in this world.He sees me that i can forgive him whenver he does mistaks his affair since our maariage is 4 years. he alwys lying to me.so please help me here am trying this marriage to work but myself he doesn,t

  4. tiffany says

    what if you have already done all of the things your not supposed too and now theres no communication?

    • says

      Tiffany,

      Maybe I’m a delusional optimistic, but I always think that things can be fixed. Even if you’ve made all the mistakes and even if there’s no communication.

      I really recommend that you take a look at the rsource I’ve linked to at the end of the article. And don’t give up, Especially is he hasn’t filed for divorce yet.

  5. says

    I need help in saving my marriage. My wife left me on 2/13/14, she complained that I choose over her and the children. As a husband she mentioned that I am a good provider and good husband. We are having problems with being disconnected sexually and communication issues. I had mentioned to my wife that our issues are fixable and it can a long process to recover. She is stonewalling me at every turn and I think she is getting a thrill out of this situation. Please give me advisement as a husband trying to save marriage.

    • says

      Brien,

      The first I would do if I were you is to contact your wife and tell her that you agree, that separating was the right thing to do and that you realize you’ve had serious problems.

      This will take away the drama that you were right to assume to thrill her. She expects fighting, she expects drama and she expects that you do not ACCEPT the reason for her leaving you – Which gives her more “proof” that she did the right thing.

      When you validate her feelings and her actions you can show her, maybe for the first time in a long time, that you understand her.

      This, how strange it may seem you, will bring her closer to you, whether she is aware of it or not.

      And…when there is no drama, she will have to really deal with her actions. To think twice about whether she did the right thing.

      Second thing to NOT do is to promise her that you will change. That smells from desparation and desparation is not attractive.

      Third and last, don’t try to make her feel guilty about taring up the family. You want her back, but not through guilt, right?

      These are all the first steps. They will make her admire your strength, realize that you validate her and understand her feelings, and make her think long and hard whether leaving was the right thing to do.

      I hope this helps and all the best to you!:)

  6. Dawn says

    My marriage is on the verge of a real separation. My husband holds three offenses against he. I wasn’t ready to get married when he was and gave the ring back. But we got back together. Then I met someone years later when out with friends and danced with another man, felt guilty and told him. Years later had an emotional affair whith the same man through texts. We have tried to stay togerher but he has shit down and his wall is taller than ever. Now he says he needs a separation. He’s not in love with me and things aren’t getting better in the house together separated. I love him and am tryjng to embrace this and give what he needs. But I , through, therapy have found I was resenting the walk he has had up since the beginning which was 15 years ago. Do we have a chance even if he’s leaning towards divorce and I what to save it? I can see the love is still there.

    • says

      Dawn,

      The fact that he has “offenses” againgst you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore, neither does the fact that he told you he’s not in love with you.

      To me it seems clear that he is angry and hurt and really concentrated on that right now.

      Like I wrote in the article above, I think that you should validate his feelings and tell him that maybe separating is a good idea and that you understand how he feels.

      Sometimes it’s easier and more motivating to rebuild the love when you are actually separated. It will give both of you a chance to realize that you really love each other and miss one another.

      Yes, I think you definitely have a good chance of saving your marriage. Especially when you feel that the love is still there.

  7. angie says

    Hi,
    My husband and I had been separated for 2 years off and on mostly because he didnt want to work or help me with the kids or around the house. I recently filed for divorce but wanted to try and make it work between us. My final papers are done with the divorce and we are trying to work on it. I found out in this part that he was with someone else for over a year but says he loves me and her. How do I get over this feeling that he will always want to be with her even though he chose to come home.
    Thank you.

    • says

      Angie,

      It’s definitely a thought that’s hard to get out of the head, I agree. The best way to solve this in my opinion is to focus on the healing and working on your relationship to make it stronger.

      It’s not enough that you’re back together, you’ll both have to work hard on solving the issues that separated you in the past, to prevent him from “running” back to the other woman (which is actually running away from his problems in the marriage).

      The stronger you’ll feel your relationship becomes, the less you’ll worry about the other woman.

  8. Misty says

    I feel so lost right now. My husband asked for a separation and told me he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. He has said that he thinks I have cheated and gets very parinoid about it. I have never cheated and never would. My husband tells me he cant trust me that we fight to much and our relationship is toxic. We have a 3 yr old daughter together so we see each other in passing daily. When he dropped her off yesterday he told me im trying to miss you, but I cant. I just dont know what to do, I’m so broken. I feel like I am the only one fighting for this.

    • says

      Like I said in the article, that’s what most men say when the ask for a separation – That they’re not in love anymore etc..the thing about you cheating is just an excuse he’s giving to him self – Rewriting history to help him feel right about splitting.
      Like I said in the article (which I think you should read again…) – You have to stop “fighting for this” and tell him that you completely agree that you need to separate.

      Follow the next steps after this first one and you may be amazed by the results.
      Do not despair. Separation is not the end. It’s your chance to make things better then ever.

  9. SadDebbie says

    Ms Lisa;
    After 16 yrs, I feel a trial separation is the only possible way my marriage may be repaired much less thrive. My husband is unable to! “talk” with me re: any of my feelings of abandonment, hurt, loneliness and neglect. He says “I get it” but to know avail. He does try for a few days then we just go back to pretending as has been his MO for several years now. Our “problems” have really come to a head since my head injury in ’06 and subsequent health problems which are just recently significantly improved. I know he’s exhausted w/ my depression but he has become so neglectful it’s breaking my heart. The most difficult thing I am finding is that after I “lecture” and he defends, when he does put forth a little effort (i.e., “you look nice”) I feel no sincerety because I had to point out, repeatedly, the attention he lavishes on “the girls” (he’s a mngr for a scantily clad servers restaurant) and neglects my needs as his wife. I feel the only way to be certain I am “the only one” he says he wants is to separate and get some sort of self-respect/valiue back and for him to evaluate what role I am to play in his life. Do you believe that I can ever “feel” like he is genuine again? What would you recommend to help him communicate if he rdfuses to discuss our lives w/ counselors? Is there hope for reconcilliation? Thanks so much for your blog!!! Hugs, Need Sincerety

  10. alice says

    Im thinking of filing for seperation. Im noT sure these 3 rules apply. We have never realy argued… hes been so different the last 18 months after losing his dream job before he even got to start. He refused to work for most of a year, and jobs he did have didnt pay the bills. I was a stay at home mom with two little kids but have gone back to school and he tells everyone he knows that im being unreasonable. He took a job 2 hours away and expected me to drop everything and move the kids when he cant even afford an apartment, hes living with relatives. Im living with my mom, without her my kids and i would be on the streets. Im wanting to get a seperation to protect my kids but in filing would that set him off? We never argue. Ive learned that i dont need him and have not been needy, though hes a bit needy when he comes to visit. And love has disapeared with my trust.

  11. jennifer says

    I been dating my husband for 17 years and it’s always the same things we have 4 kids and sometimes things are great but we fight over his family he always want to go over there and I feel that he can’t do anything without them I told him the other day no and he still went and still been going so today I said if u leave I’m leaving and he still went what do I do I really don’t want to leave I love him but I don’t think he feel the same:(

    • says

      Jennifer,

      I think that your husband dependance on his family hides a problem he has, I would guess that it has to do with insecurities and low self esteem.

      I think that until you two get to the bottom of this problem, with or without therapy, the issue of course won’t be resolved and he will keep doing this, no matter how much you threat him with leaving.

      But once you’ve said you will leave if he goes and you don’t leave, he will know that you don’t mean what you say and in any case, it’s not the way to solve this.

      Try to talk to him and ask him, without anger or accusing, why he needs his family so close and won’t do anything without them, what he is afraid of and how you can help.

      I wouldn’t look at this as if he chooses you over them, because he shouldn’t have to choose. But he does have to face this problem in your marriage.

      Communication is key here – Without anger, frustration, hurt feelings etc. Just try to be his best friend who doesn’t judge him and try to get to the bottom of this.

      Hope this helps and good luck!

  12. Ron says

    It was my wife after 25 years of marriage and 3 grown children that she asked for divorce in May. We had a very rocky 6 months of fighting as I suspected that she was having a fling with another man.
    Now we are separated under the same roof. It has been two months now.
    She is as angry at me as she is accusing me of neglecting her and treated her badly for the past 20 years.
    No papers filed and because of financials we have to co-reside as room mates for sometime to come.
    I did collapse, cried and begged for another chance, but no way.
    I’m not allowed to call her or check on her, we have one text a day that I send during work to her and she does reply and I always try to see her in a common area in the house for a few minutes a day. She stopped asking about anything relates to me like I do not exist, I still think she is in an at least an emotional relationship with the same man.
    I’m suffering and I love her so much, I love my kids and I’m not abusive whatsoever, but I admit I did any mistakes and took her for granted.
    Now I don’t know what to do in the time we have together under the same roof to reconcile with her.
    I admit my mistakes and did apologize to her. I miss her so much now as she was and still my world.
    Help please.

    • says

      Ron,

      I’m so sorry you have to go throught this.

      I think, though that the fact that she’s so angry with you, is a good sign. It’s a sign that she still has feelings for you, and you should take notice of the fact that although she thinks you’ve neglected her for the past 20 years, she still stayed with you until now.

      I know it may seem hard to do, but I recommend that you follow the advice I’ve given in this post, instead of trying to get her back through begging and chasing her.

      I hope this helps and hang in there, not all hope is gone.

  13. Ivan says

    My wife and I seperated a little over a month ago. There were issues such as my mother overstaying her welcome, the house not being up to her standards, discounting her opinions, and not including her in our 4 boys plans. She said that she would have panic attacks on the way home. At first in did all the wrong things begged, tried to reason with her. Then I helped her get her own place. She also said she loved me very much but she was no longer in love wit me.

    She spends 4 days of the week at home and the rest at her place. I started to work on myself and the issues she had. She seems happy when at home and I try to include her in as much of the house as possible. So far we usually do one activity with the kids and spend one day together doing something. The reason I call it something because she does not want to call them dates and she said she does not want to date me. This is very confusing because we now spend more time together then when she was home full time. She also said she is worried about my expectations in which I told her I have none.

    Am I doing the right thing ? I have started to work out because I was a little overweight and I sometimes workout with my wife. Do I have a chance?

    • says

      Ivan,

      Yes! I definitely think you’re doing the right thing! Good for you, it takes guts and great common sense to be able to pull this off.
      Keep with it, trust yourself and you will see the results. You just need more time. The new you will sink into her, it’s just a matter of time.
      It’s what I believe, and I hope I’m right.
      Good luck!

  14. JJ says

    I’ve been separated 5 months from my husband. He became distant in November and it only got worse, he started spending time away from me and our 4 year old son. I found his car parked at a training partners house who is a woman, and then she was in my shower days later … He said nothing happened but two days later said he was going to leave me, this was 5 months ago in this time we have discussed trying to make it work, but she is around and he says that they are just friends but she is around on days he spends time with our son. I get ” maybe” and ” slowly” to being a family again. He did say he would go to counseling – he said first by his self before we go together. I guess that’s a good sign?? I just don’t know. I act as if I don’t care about all this ( don’t text or call for awhile) then he wonders why? We even had sex in June when he came over and we hadn’t done that in a very long time he was never interested in me like that anymore but was in June…
    I need some advice, now it’s almost august and I feel hopeless again.

    • says

      JJ,

      I think your instincts are right and I think he left and hasn’t come back yet because of this other woman. He hasn’t decided if he is going to be with her or back with his family.
      Try to take the advice in this post and change your attitude, Don’t ask him to come back, Tell him this separation was a good idea etc.
      I can almost guarantee this will change things all together. You juse need the courage to try it out.

  15. jenny says

    My husband 5 weeks ago left me and my children saying he doesn’t love me anymore and is in love with someone else who he has been having a affair with for the last 6 months, while I was pregnant with twins and to months ago one of my twins passed away at 6 weeks old and all this time he was having a affair from the moment I got pregnant, when he said Im not in love with you and he was in love with someone else it broke my heart like you wouldn’t believe those words I can’t get over, we have been through so much together and I don’t understand how you can stop loving someone I said this to him and he said it had happened over time, I mentioned about what about when I first got pregnant? it wad his choice to try for another baby and he said he did love me then which was only 8 months ago and then other times he will say something completely different, I just don’t know what to do, I am in contact with him because of my son and daughter and when I speak to him I put on a act like I’m happy moving on with my life because I want him to see what he has lost, and want him to regret what his done, I just don’t know how long will it take for him to realise this? do I go on acting like I am with him? I miss him so much he was my best friend my everything it breaks my heart to bits knowing he could love someone else and she is 10 years older than him and has 2 children is in a midle of a divorce and knows me and what I was going through with the twins, I just want him to realise what he has lost so I can move on please can someone help any advice please I’m so heart broken and don’t know what to do

  16. Erianna says

    My husband left 6 weeks ago after I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. I’ve since found that he immediately started seeing another woman. After 12 years together it’s been soul destroying. He doesn’t know I know, as I feel this is part of the self destructive path he has gone down & I’m trying to avoid confrontations. I see him every day as he insists on seeing his kids every evening, but as soon as they go to bed he leaves. Last week he got a DUI and as a result will lose his job. I’ve no idea how we’ll cope financially.

    I’ve recently found out that he has been inviting this other woman (a sexy young bartender) to see him when he is with our children when I go out. It’s crushing. Yet when he got arrested, he rang me. When I didn’t answer he still came home, to my bed, and asked for comfort from me. He still calls me “baby” but I’m very confused – is this habit? Or signs of affection? Or signs of a very confused individualwho has alcoholism and who doesn’t know what he wants yet? Or the actions of a man who is trying to prevent his wife (who is getting over PND) from going mental & restricting his access to his children? Do some men think this is what separation looks like ? – the same as before but without obligations to your spouse?

    I’m struggling with so much anger and resentment and hurt, but I don’t want to let that get in the way, if there is a chance we could build something better from the ashes of our last relationship. If anyone has insights id love to hear them.

    • says

      Erianna,

      I think you did a good thing when you gave him the ultimatum. Other woman or not (I’m sure it’s not love by the way) it will force him into doing something about his addiction.

      He comes for you for comfort because you are still his best friend. But right now he is an alcoholist who doesn’t want to treat his addiction so badly that he chose it over you and your family.

      I would say that you should give it time. He has to deal with this and it takes time. More than a few months apparently.

      I know it’s probably the hardest thing to do, but try to wish him the best. In your heart. Try to pray for him. You don’t have to give him any support that you don’t want to and it doesn’t really matter what HE expcts, thinks or what. It’s what YOU think that matters and what will determine how your life is going to be.

      I wish you the best and would be happy if you came back and share your experience in the future as well.

      Lisa

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>