Can Separation Save a Marriage (Or End it for Good)?

can separation save a marriageThat’s it. It’s really over.

That’s what you thought when your spouse decided to leave (or already did). Marriage separation is just a pit stop in the way to divorce. Everyone knows that, right?


Can separation save a marriage?

I know that what I’m about to claim goes against everything you believe in, but marriage separation is your golden opportunity to not only save your marriage, but make it better than it ever was.

Can Separation Save Your Marriage?

Your spouse has given up. He or she are tired of the bickering, the tension, the lack of communication, the fact that you never do anything fun together anymore.

Even worse, he or she are may already be  in love with someone else, and left you to be with him/her.

“I’m not in love with you anymore”, he or she said, and your whole world, your whole life as you know it, collapses around you, making a huge noise.

It seems there is no hope. Your marriage is terminally broken, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

But you couldn’t be more wrong. Separation CAN save your marriage, if you know exactly how to use it to your advantage.

3 Mistakes That Can Ruin Everything

Here’s what most of us will do when we desperately try to stop separation and divorce:

1. We try to give them reassurance – “I can change. I will stop nagging. I will stop being controlling. I won’t lie to you ever again”.

This almost never works. They will not believe you.

2. We Argue – “I don’t believe that you don’t love me. You owe me love because we are married. I can change the way you feel right now”.

This never works. This is exactly what they expect to hear. More arguing. This is why they want to pull away in the first place.

3. We tell them how much we love them – “I love you. You are the only one I’ll ever love. You’re the only one I can be happy with”.

You’re basically telling them “I have no self-esteem. I have nothing without you. Do you want me?”

But don’t lose hope just yet. Even if you made all of these mistakes (in less than 30 minutes…), there are ways to repair the damage (if you use the right marriage separation advice from now on).

How to Use Marriage Separation to Save Your Marriage

marriage separation

Remember that marriage separation is a “trial divorce”. An emotional divorce – Without the final dissolution of the marriage.

Instead of giving up, use these separation advantages to get a second chance to your marriage.

1. Stop Arguing

Your spouse wants to pull away from someone who always disagrees with him/her. From someone who never sees things their way.

By arguing and criticizing your spouse’s decision, you are only reassuring him that he made the right decision.

“I want a divorce. This marriage is broken and can’t be fixed”, He/she says.

“I agree”, you say. “This marriage is broken. I understand how you feel.”

It seems like you’re moving faster towards a divorce, but it’s quite the opposite. You are disarming his /her negative feelings. What happened to the arguing and not-listening spouse they wanted to breakup with? Who is this pleasant and understanding person?

This takes the props totally out from under their hostility. You are finally seeing things their way. You are secure now.

2. Stop Needing

Marriage separation holds a golden opportunity of him/her missing you. It’s a chance for things to cool down. The constant noise of daily fighting and tension tones down and your spouse can finally realize his contribution to the marriage problems.

Your spouse has the chance to miss you, to miss the good times you used to have.

Your spouse can finally appreciate the things he has taken for granted, like the way you took care of your home, you children, the many ways you were supportive to him, the way you took care of him.

But all of these important things can only happen if you completely stop needing, begging, expressing your eternal love and saying how much you miss him.

You have to prove your independence and that you are happy about things just the way they are.

I’m not saying no contact. You can call and say hi, ask how he’s doing, but do not try to talk about your relationship, complain, need, ask, beg or plead.

This is the only way to make your spouse realize how much he/she has to LOSE if you split permanently. Even if he/she is already with someone else.

3.  Rebuild The Love

Just because your spouse said that he no longer loves you, doesn’t mean that his love his dead. Usually it means that his feelings are “crushed” under years of anger, frustration, neglect, resentment or other negative emotions.

I’m not saying it’s your fault. No way. Both of you are equally responsible for the marriage problems.

But if you were once in love, you can fall in love AGAIN.

Instead of giving up on your marriage and your family, instead of sinking into depression, use this time to get the knowledge and the best advice to rebuild the love.

[yellowbox]There a few critical skills you need to learn to revive the love, intimacy and connection. These are not tricks, gimmicks or psychological games.[/yellowbox]

These are skills that can save your marriage even if your spouse has cheated, had an affair, fell in love with someone else and has left.

It’s not enough to just stop doing the things that has hurt your marriage.

You have to take some rebuilding positive steps to end your marriage separation and return to happier and more loving relationship than you ever had.

This is your chance. Your golden gate. Are you going to go through it or just give up?

Rooting for ya,



I highly recommend this program (book + exercises) to help you use this separation time to save your marriage. It truly has everything you’ll need to do and say to prevent losing your marriage for good.

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

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  1. Your partner might say things like “I don’t want to talk” or “I’m not good at talking.” Usually, the real issue is that he gets easily flooded with too much information and shuts down. So, when bringing up an issue, end your description after three sentences.

  2. In several relationships when a husband and wife has taken some time apart the relationship is often more powerful and deeper than ever before if they select to get back together. It is critical that both of you are ready to put in the hard work and make the necessary changes. The less finger pointing the better possibilities of success.

  3. it is true what your saying that marriage it is for both to take responsibility to make it work. what about iam the one i putt effort to make it work and he doesn,t. i found difficult to trust my husband, after he cheated me 4 times, he will ask for forgivennes and telling me how he loves me and he never do it again! i forgive him but after few months i will see again text romatinc msg to the woman who has been having affair with! it has been going on for many years he doesn,t change am talking 23 years of marriage no matter how hard am trying to make it work, sometimes he will blame me that am not satisfying him with sex, he does not appreciate every thing i do in the house,i work full time to raise income, some times i caught him so many times talking behind my back with his sister that how horrible iam and he is staying with me because we had children together. I will confront him and he will say sorry and i believe him and try trust him again, but he will do it again and self idon,t want divorce i want marriage a full family. i do know how long i should suffer like this staying with a man who doesn,t change i feel like iam a stupit woman in this world.He sees me that i can forgive him whenver he does mistaks his affair since our maariage is 4 years. he alwys lying to please help me here am trying this marriage to work but myself he doesn,t

  4. what if you have already done all of the things your not supposed too and now theres no communication?

    • Tiffany,

      Maybe I’m a delusional optimistic, but I always think that things can be fixed. Even if you’ve made all the mistakes and even if there’s no communication.

      I really recommend that you take a look at the rsource I’ve linked to at the end of the article. And don’t give up, Especially is he hasn’t filed for divorce yet.

  5. I need help in saving my marriage. My wife left me on 2/13/14, she complained that I choose over her and the children. As a husband she mentioned that I am a good provider and good husband. We are having problems with being disconnected sexually and communication issues. I had mentioned to my wife that our issues are fixable and it can a long process to recover. She is stonewalling me at every turn and I think she is getting a thrill out of this situation. Please give me advisement as a husband trying to save marriage.

    • Brien,

      The first I would do if I were you is to contact your wife and tell her that you agree, that separating was the right thing to do and that you realize you’ve had serious problems.

      This will take away the drama that you were right to assume to thrill her. She expects fighting, she expects drama and she expects that you do not ACCEPT the reason for her leaving you – Which gives her more “proof” that she did the right thing.

      When you validate her feelings and her actions you can show her, maybe for the first time in a long time, that you understand her.

      This, how strange it may seem you, will bring her closer to you, whether she is aware of it or not.

      And…when there is no drama, she will have to really deal with her actions. To think twice about whether she did the right thing.

      Second thing to NOT do is to promise her that you will change. That smells from desparation and desparation is not attractive.

      Third and last, don’t try to make her feel guilty about taring up the family. You want her back, but not through guilt, right?

      These are all the first steps. They will make her admire your strength, realize that you validate her and understand her feelings, and make her think long and hard whether leaving was the right thing to do.

      I hope this helps and all the best to you!:)

  6. My marriage is on the verge of a real separation. My husband holds three offenses against he. I wasn’t ready to get married when he was and gave the ring back. But we got back together. Then I met someone years later when out with friends and danced with another man, felt guilty and told him. Years later had an emotional affair whith the same man through texts. We have tried to stay togerher but he has shit down and his wall is taller than ever. Now he says he needs a separation. He’s not in love with me and things aren’t getting better in the house together separated. I love him and am tryjng to embrace this and give what he needs. But I , through, therapy have found I was resenting the walk he has had up since the beginning which was 15 years ago. Do we have a chance even if he’s leaning towards divorce and I what to save it? I can see the love is still there.

    • Dawn,

      The fact that he has “offenses” againgst you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you anymore, neither does the fact that he told you he’s not in love with you.

      To me it seems clear that he is angry and hurt and really concentrated on that right now.

      Like I wrote in the article above, I think that you should validate his feelings and tell him that maybe separating is a good idea and that you understand how he feels.

      Sometimes it’s easier and more motivating to rebuild the love when you are actually separated. It will give both of you a chance to realize that you really love each other and miss one another.

      Yes, I think you definitely have a good chance of saving your marriage. Especially when you feel that the love is still there.

  7. Hi,
    My husband and I had been separated for 2 years off and on mostly because he didnt want to work or help me with the kids or around the house. I recently filed for divorce but wanted to try and make it work between us. My final papers are done with the divorce and we are trying to work on it. I found out in this part that he was with someone else for over a year but says he loves me and her. How do I get over this feeling that he will always want to be with her even though he chose to come home.
    Thank you.

    • Angie,

      It’s definitely a thought that’s hard to get out of the head, I agree. The best way to solve this in my opinion is to focus on the healing and working on your relationship to make it stronger.

      It’s not enough that you’re back together, you’ll both have to work hard on solving the issues that separated you in the past, to prevent him from “running” back to the other woman (which is actually running away from his problems in the marriage).

      The stronger you’ll feel your relationship becomes, the less you’ll worry about the other woman.

  8. I feel so lost right now. My husband asked for a separation and told me he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. He has said that he thinks I have cheated and gets very parinoid about it. I have never cheated and never would. My husband tells me he cant trust me that we fight to much and our relationship is toxic. We have a 3 yr old daughter together so we see each other in passing daily. When he dropped her off yesterday he told me im trying to miss you, but I cant. I just dont know what to do, I’m so broken. I feel like I am the only one fighting for this.

    • Like I said in the article, that’s what most men say when the ask for a separation – That they’re not in love anymore etc..the thing about you cheating is just an excuse he’s giving to him self – Rewriting history to help him feel right about splitting.
      Like I said in the article (which I think you should read again…) – You have to stop “fighting for this” and tell him that you completely agree that you need to separate.

      Follow the next steps after this first one and you may be amazed by the results.
      Do not despair. Separation is not the end. It’s your chance to make things better then ever.

  9. Ms Lisa;
    After 16 yrs, I feel a trial separation is the only possible way my marriage may be repaired much less thrive. My husband is unable to! “talk” with me re: any of my feelings of abandonment, hurt, loneliness and neglect. He says “I get it” but to know avail. He does try for a few days then we just go back to pretending as has been his MO for several years now. Our “problems” have really come to a head since my head injury in ’06 and subsequent health problems which are just recently significantly improved. I know he’s exhausted w/ my depression but he has become so neglectful it’s breaking my heart. The most difficult thing I am finding is that after I “lecture” and he defends, when he does put forth a little effort (i.e., “you look nice”) I feel no sincerety because I had to point out, repeatedly, the attention he lavishes on “the girls” (he’s a mngr for a scantily clad servers restaurant) and neglects my needs as his wife. I feel the only way to be certain I am “the only one” he says he wants is to separate and get some sort of self-respect/valiue back and for him to evaluate what role I am to play in his life. Do you believe that I can ever “feel” like he is genuine again? What would you recommend to help him communicate if he rdfuses to discuss our lives w/ counselors? Is there hope for reconcilliation? Thanks so much for your blog!!! Hugs, Need Sincerety

  10. Im thinking of filing for seperation. Im noT sure these 3 rules apply. We have never realy argued… hes been so different the last 18 months after losing his dream job before he even got to start. He refused to work for most of a year, and jobs he did have didnt pay the bills. I was a stay at home mom with two little kids but have gone back to school and he tells everyone he knows that im being unreasonable. He took a job 2 hours away and expected me to drop everything and move the kids when he cant even afford an apartment, hes living with relatives. Im living with my mom, without her my kids and i would be on the streets. Im wanting to get a seperation to protect my kids but in filing would that set him off? We never argue. Ive learned that i dont need him and have not been needy, though hes a bit needy when he comes to visit. And love has disapeared with my trust.

  11. I been dating my husband for 17 years and it’s always the same things we have 4 kids and sometimes things are great but we fight over his family he always want to go over there and I feel that he can’t do anything without them I told him the other day no and he still went and still been going so today I said if u leave I’m leaving and he still went what do I do I really don’t want to leave I love him but I don’t think he feel the same:(

    • Jennifer,

      I think that your husband dependance on his family hides a problem he has, I would guess that it has to do with insecurities and low self esteem.

      I think that until you two get to the bottom of this problem, with or without therapy, the issue of course won’t be resolved and he will keep doing this, no matter how much you threat him with leaving.

      But once you’ve said you will leave if he goes and you don’t leave, he will know that you don’t mean what you say and in any case, it’s not the way to solve this.

      Try to talk to him and ask him, without anger or accusing, why he needs his family so close and won’t do anything without them, what he is afraid of and how you can help.

      I wouldn’t look at this as if he chooses you over them, because he shouldn’t have to choose. But he does have to face this problem in your marriage.

      Communication is key here – Without anger, frustration, hurt feelings etc. Just try to be his best friend who doesn’t judge him and try to get to the bottom of this.

      Hope this helps and good luck!

  12. It was my wife after 25 years of marriage and 3 grown children that she asked for divorce in May. We had a very rocky 6 months of fighting as I suspected that she was having a fling with another man.
    Now we are separated under the same roof. It has been two months now.
    She is as angry at me as she is accusing me of neglecting her and treated her badly for the past 20 years.
    No papers filed and because of financials we have to co-reside as room mates for sometime to come.
    I did collapse, cried and begged for another chance, but no way.
    I’m not allowed to call her or check on her, we have one text a day that I send during work to her and she does reply and I always try to see her in a common area in the house for a few minutes a day. She stopped asking about anything relates to me like I do not exist, I still think she is in an at least an emotional relationship with the same man.
    I’m suffering and I love her so much, I love my kids and I’m not abusive whatsoever, but I admit I did any mistakes and took her for granted.
    Now I don’t know what to do in the time we have together under the same roof to reconcile with her.
    I admit my mistakes and did apologize to her. I miss her so much now as she was and still my world.
    Help please.

    • Ron,

      I’m so sorry you have to go throught this.

      I think, though that the fact that she’s so angry with you, is a good sign. It’s a sign that she still has feelings for you, and you should take notice of the fact that although she thinks you’ve neglected her for the past 20 years, she still stayed with you until now.

      I know it may seem hard to do, but I recommend that you follow the advice I’ve given in this post, instead of trying to get her back through begging and chasing her.

      I hope this helps and hang in there, not all hope is gone.

  13. My wife and I seperated a little over a month ago. There were issues such as my mother overstaying her welcome, the house not being up to her standards, discounting her opinions, and not including her in our 4 boys plans. She said that she would have panic attacks on the way home. At first in did all the wrong things begged, tried to reason with her. Then I helped her get her own place. She also said she loved me very much but she was no longer in love wit me.

    She spends 4 days of the week at home and the rest at her place. I started to work on myself and the issues she had. She seems happy when at home and I try to include her in as much of the house as possible. So far we usually do one activity with the kids and spend one day together doing something. The reason I call it something because she does not want to call them dates and she said she does not want to date me. This is very confusing because we now spend more time together then when she was home full time. She also said she is worried about my expectations in which I told her I have none.

    Am I doing the right thing ? I have started to work out because I was a little overweight and I sometimes workout with my wife. Do I have a chance?

    • Ivan,

      Yes! I definitely think you’re doing the right thing! Good for you, it takes guts and great common sense to be able to pull this off.
      Keep with it, trust yourself and you will see the results. You just need more time. The new you will sink into her, it’s just a matter of time.
      It’s what I believe, and I hope I’m right.
      Good luck!

  14. I’ve been separated 5 months from my husband. He became distant in November and it only got worse, he started spending time away from me and our 4 year old son. I found his car parked at a training partners house who is a woman, and then she was in my shower days later … He said nothing happened but two days later said he was going to leave me, this was 5 months ago in this time we have discussed trying to make it work, but she is around and he says that they are just friends but she is around on days he spends time with our son. I get ” maybe” and ” slowly” to being a family again. He did say he would go to counseling – he said first by his self before we go together. I guess that’s a good sign?? I just don’t know. I act as if I don’t care about all this ( don’t text or call for awhile) then he wonders why? We even had sex in June when he came over and we hadn’t done that in a very long time he was never interested in me like that anymore but was in June…
    I need some advice, now it’s almost august and I feel hopeless again.

    • JJ,

      I think your instincts are right and I think he left and hasn’t come back yet because of this other woman. He hasn’t decided if he is going to be with her or back with his family.
      Try to take the advice in this post and change your attitude, Don’t ask him to come back, Tell him this separation was a good idea etc.
      I can almost guarantee this will change things all together. You juse need the courage to try it out.

  15. My husband 5 weeks ago left me and my children saying he doesn’t love me anymore and is in love with someone else who he has been having a affair with for the last 6 months, while I was pregnant with twins and to months ago one of my twins passed away at 6 weeks old and all this time he was having a affair from the moment I got pregnant, when he said Im not in love with you and he was in love with someone else it broke my heart like you wouldn’t believe those words I can’t get over, we have been through so much together and I don’t understand how you can stop loving someone I said this to him and he said it had happened over time, I mentioned about what about when I first got pregnant? it wad his choice to try for another baby and he said he did love me then which was only 8 months ago and then other times he will say something completely different, I just don’t know what to do, I am in contact with him because of my son and daughter and when I speak to him I put on a act like I’m happy moving on with my life because I want him to see what he has lost, and want him to regret what his done, I just don’t know how long will it take for him to realise this? do I go on acting like I am with him? I miss him so much he was my best friend my everything it breaks my heart to bits knowing he could love someone else and she is 10 years older than him and has 2 children is in a midle of a divorce and knows me and what I was going through with the twins, I just want him to realise what he has lost so I can move on please can someone help any advice please I’m so heart broken and don’t know what to do

  16. My husband left 6 weeks ago after I gave him an ultimatum about his drinking. I’ve since found that he immediately started seeing another woman. After 12 years together it’s been soul destroying. He doesn’t know I know, as I feel this is part of the self destructive path he has gone down & I’m trying to avoid confrontations. I see him every day as he insists on seeing his kids every evening, but as soon as they go to bed he leaves. Last week he got a DUI and as a result will lose his job. I’ve no idea how we’ll cope financially.

    I’ve recently found out that he has been inviting this other woman (a sexy young bartender) to see him when he is with our children when I go out. It’s crushing. Yet when he got arrested, he rang me. When I didn’t answer he still came home, to my bed, and asked for comfort from me. He still calls me “baby” but I’m very confused – is this habit? Or signs of affection? Or signs of a very confused individualwho has alcoholism and who doesn’t know what he wants yet? Or the actions of a man who is trying to prevent his wife (who is getting over PND) from going mental & restricting his access to his children? Do some men think this is what separation looks like ? – the same as before but without obligations to your spouse?

    I’m struggling with so much anger and resentment and hurt, but I don’t want to let that get in the way, if there is a chance we could build something better from the ashes of our last relationship. If anyone has insights id love to hear them.

    • Erianna,

      I think you did a good thing when you gave him the ultimatum. Other woman or not (I’m sure it’s not love by the way) it will force him into doing something about his addiction.

      He comes for you for comfort because you are still his best friend. But right now he is an alcoholist who doesn’t want to treat his addiction so badly that he chose it over you and your family.

      I would say that you should give it time. He has to deal with this and it takes time. More than a few months apparently.

      I know it’s probably the hardest thing to do, but try to wish him the best. In your heart. Try to pray for him. You don’t have to give him any support that you don’t want to and it doesn’t really matter what HE expcts, thinks or what. It’s what YOU think that matters and what will determine how your life is going to be.

      I wish you the best and would be happy if you came back and share your experience in the future as well.


  17. My wife of 10yrs told me a few months ago she loves me but is no longer in love with me, we were both working long hours, lots of overtime to pay for our family’s holiday, we have 2 girls aged 7 & 13. She said she realised she was no longer in love with me whilst I was working away and she didn’t miss me, she was angry I had to go away and it was never the same after, I admit I was tired, we were not spending any quality time with each other and we had drifted but still I was shocked and hurt to hear her say these things out loud. Subsequently I moved out and moved in with a friend and I’m ashamed to admit I tried all of the ”I love you, always love you, your wrong, your tired, we can work through all of this” attempts to get her back which obviously failed. She has a friend who showed up before our split who lives 250 miles away who she used to chat too on the phone at work and he was suddenly spending weekends in our home, she has said he was just a friend & I believed her, she fell out with her family over this man. I sort of got on with things however we have just spent 2 weeks on holiday together with the girls, the 1st week we argued as everyone expected us to get back together after the holiday, the second week we chilled out, we shared a bed this entire time and out of the blue in the 2nd week she kissed me, said life’s too short and we had sex, she has since said now we are back separated again that she did it as she was missing her friend who she now has feelings for and im back being gutted after id got my hopes up. She said she wanted to feel something that she used to but didn’t and that’s that. She isn’t gonna act on her feelings for her friend due to the hassle it will cause, he doesn’t know her feelings. She says shes confused, her heads messed up, she has an eating disorder which she kept from me but he helped her instead. She says she stopped missing me a long time ago however ive still been there for her, ive helped her out, ive defended her and ive now decided to cut her out for a month so I can concentrate on being me again, she doesn’t want a divorce and doesn’t want to lose me however I feel I now need to walk away, am I doing the right thing?


    • Steve,

      Yes, I think you are doing the right thing. She needs to be away from you to realize what she stands to lose forever and the only way she can get that is through her actually experiencing it.
      No more being there for her, no more begging and no more beinmg taken for granted.
      Show her that you’ve moved on, that you’re happy and that you wish her nothing but the best.
      That’s what I would do, but it’s just me and I’m not a qualified expert.
      Hang in there, you don’t know what tommorrow will bring, just try to enjoy life right now.

  18. Here is my story.I met the love of my life back in 2001 and in 2002 we got married.had a rough start and he left in December 2003 for 2 months and came back in 2004.we started our family that year.things were good we had our problems like every one else did and made it through it with Gods 2008/2009 I get a message from a woman asking if their divorce was taken care of..shocked me so they got a divorce which made ours void.tore me seems like since than it all slowly went down 2011 our family was the middle of 2013 we got our own place and things were great.
    but it wasn’t like i thought.he left October 26 2013 and was living with the other woman by Halloween..i had suspected something from the things i found.this went on for 6 months and in may he came back claiming he loves me missed me and wants to give us another try.he promised my kids and me that he was here to stay,but 11days later he left and is back with the other woman who claim they are married.since he left he has only seen our kids 2 times in 4 months.he was such a hands on dad,but now he is slacking..we went to court last week and he said i am doing a good job raising our kids.and his “whatever” she is belittles me on fb calling me psycho..what to do when he is with someone like that?

    • Dawn,

      What an awful situation, In my humble opinion, the more you let yourself be angry and frustrated from her, the more she gets what she wants.
      Bottom line is that your ex is the one who decides what to do with his life and how much he wants to see his children.

      Ignore her on Facebook and ignore her all together, this way she won’t have “fuel” to keep doing this. You are much better than her, and your silence will show it to her.

      It’s an awful situation and I know all you want is for your kids to have a dad, but I think that if you don’t react to her actions and try to be positive when you communicate with your ex, things will settle down and become better with time.

      I’m really sorry you have to go through this. Hang in there.

  19. My wife and I have been together for7 years, married for two and a half. Throughout our relationship we have struggled with communication, understanding each others priorities, jumping to conclusions and arguing. We constantly disagreed about the most trivial of things and rarely made efforts to compromise. Over time we began to snap at each other and say mean things to each other. In addition, we have rarely spent any time apart (nothing over 3 days). My wife struggles with depression and fits the character profile of a Highly Sensitive Person (if you are familiar with that). She is strong, independent and highly motivated. We overused alcohol for much of our relationship and my wife received a DUI two years ago while I was with her and also drunk. Since the DUI, we have drastically reduced our drinking but I did not suffer from the experience as much as her. My wife does not feel like my continued drinking was supportive of her during that process. We did couples counseling for about 8 months but quit in July because she said that she was too busy. She cannot put our past behind her and now would like a separation. She has asked me to move out and I reluctantly agreed to give her some space. Living in the same house right now is pushing her further away. She has not said whether the separation is permanent or temporary but has mentioned that she wants to buy out my half of the house. I am not sure if she will ever even consider getting back together but I have no other options. She said that she no longer loves me and would like to see other people. I most want for her to be happy but this experience has enlightened me to many of our problems and I feel like I really understand where things went wrong and would like another chance to be the man that she needs me to be. We are actively involved in the community, share a beautiful old home that we completely renovated ourselves and run two small businesses. We do not have children. Since she announced her decision, we have not had a single argument (about a month). In fact, we are getting along better than ever except for when we discuss our relationship. She is also actively doing things on her own and intentionally not participating in any social activities with me. I have already begged her to reconsider (numerous times) and showered her with love and support. I have even decided that I could tolerate her seeing someone else if it could settle her curiosity once and for all. Is it crazy for me to think that a separation could bring us closer?

    • Michael,
      I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Like you’ve said – You haven’t argued a single time for a month! That hasn’t happened once since you got married, right?

      I think that if you only argue when you talk about your relationship, than don’t talk about your relationship for a while. Continue to be supportive and loving while giving her the space she needs.

      Try to convince her to spend some time with you, as friends. Get the fun and the laughter back, without mentioning a relationship or defining things.
      This way she’ll have a chance to be reminded of the guy she once fell in love with. When there’s no pressure and arguing she can do that..
      I think you’re doing the right things and I wish you the best!:)


  20. Lisa,

    I accidentally included my last name on that post. Is there any way that you can remove it?


  21. I have just recently found out my husband has been having an affair with a woman from his work & i have confronted him about this which he didn’t denied. This was 3 months ago and it has been a hell of a ride. Emotionally, mental mind games, heartbreak & tears, Telling he loves me , moved out of our home to the other woman for one night and then called to come home, then again moved out for 2 nights & begged to come home which i allowed. My husband is suffering anorexia & i now believe he is having a breakdown. He is staying at his sisters home to get well, but has since told me that he wants her because she is different & is much better in bed… he has also said that he is prepared to give up our son & his grandchildren for the other woman, as he has said they will come around. Please help me, we have been married for 36 years & i love him with every thing i have, do you think its possible he will come to his senses & come back? Or do i move on. To which i am struggling with..thankyou

    • Kerri,

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
      I think that he IS having a breakdown, and choosing the other woman because she “is better in bed” is the best sign that he is not thinking straight.

      I think that he WILL come to his senses, but until he does, don’t let him come back home until it’s clear that he has cut contact with her and realized the awful mistake that he has made.

      Be strong, and don’t sit around waiting for him. Try to implement the tips in the post, focus on yourself and healing yourself no matter if he is in the picture or not, and the right thing will happen – At the right time.
      The most important thing is to NOT let him go back and forth from you and the OW. If he thinks he can do that any time he likes, he won’t ever need to really choose.

      I hope this helps and hang in there, better days are coming.

  22. I willing to keep trying , but I do agree it would be good for me to move out , for a while.

  23. So this is my sad story. Last Nov my husband of 13 years (together a total of 22 years) told me he had been having an affair for about 8 months and that the OW was pregnant. He was going to move out and take care of his responsibilities, however, he never came out and said he loved her. Ultimately she had an abortion (he doesn’t want anymore children-we have two beautiful daughters). I took this opportunity to convince him to stay and work on our marriage-he agreed. Because she was a co-worker, he quit his job and started a new one that took him out of town for 2 1/2 months. When he returned, he was working 6 days a week and it felt like I was the only one working on fixing things. Also, we never really had time to just spend together, just us. About a month ago, he came to me and told me that his feelings for me have not changed, that he loves me but is not “in love” with me and thinks we should separate. I of course tried begging, making promises, all the things I am not supposed to do. But it wasn’t working, surprise, surprise. Then last week I discovered that he had started communicating again with her back in April (which looking back I should have known because things seemed to be getting better and then he started pulling away again) He has told me that he thinks he loves her, he has rewritten our history, he has told me he married me because that was what was expected of him and lastly, that he doesn’t think he has ever felt for me the things he feels for her. All of it crap and I know it. He also said he only stayed back in Nov because that was what everyone thought he should do, not what he wanted to do. So he is telling me that he wants to explore his feelings for her. I gave up and told him he can have his separation. I also told him I want him out by Nov 1. He has contacted a mediation company so that we can divide our assets, sell our house and agree on a child custody plan.
    The thing is, I still hold out hope that he will come to his senses and return to me eventually. My biggest challenge right now is sharing our home with him until he moves out. It kills me to make small talk about how our day is, or sharing stories of the kids. I am struggling with all the emotions I am having, going from anger to heartbreak in a matter of minutes. I cry often, then yell. I am really not handling it very well at all. I am seeing a counselor regularly but until he moves out I just don’t see how I can start to heal and focus on myself. If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom that they would like to share I would love hearing them.

    • Kelly,

      Of course you feel you can’t focus while he is still there…how could anyone?

      Let yourself feel, it’s o.k. It’s o.k to fell angry and sad in less than 5 minutes…let yourself feel, let it out, and don’t judge yourself or your feelings at all.

      Until he leaves, just be. No one is judging you, no one expects you to “handle this well”.

      As for hoping that he comes back…here’s another post that I think can help:

      Hang in there, o.k? Everything happens for a (good) reason.


  24. My husband left a little over a month ago to stay at a friend’s due to needing space. He is depressed, Says he feels empty inside and can’t be in a relationship right now. He comes over most days to spend time with our son and communicates with me. He has expressed he has been unhappy for years. He often was critical of me, angry with me. He doesn’t want our son to see him depressed which is why he won’t come home. He says he loves me unconditionally but just doesn’t want in a relationship. He says he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings and he’s sorry for my distress. Hasn’t said he wants divorced, actually said not to think that way but doesn’t show any emotion toward me at all and wants to stay separated. I’ve been a mess, we’ve been together 13 years, he’s my best friend. I can’t understand what’s going on with him and I know I can’t make him be himself again. I’ve validated his feelings, identified where I needed to work on things, and given him space. Some days I think it’s getting better but then he withdraws again. I know All the things I’m suppose to be doing for myself but I just keep falling apart.

    • Rachael,

      I think that if your husband is depressed, the fact that he left to get space is actually a good sign that he finally, after years, wants to find a solution for his depression.
      When he is alone he can start examining his life and his emotions without distractions, and I believe him when he says he doesn’t want his son to see him like this. It’s not an excuse. I also he believes he really loves you too.
      I think that you should look at this in a more positive way. I think he is really trying to get back to himself. And I’m sure that when he succeeds, he’ll come back.
      He just needs time. And you need it too.
      I really believe that everything happens for the best, and it sure seems like that in your case.
      Hang in there, everything will be alright. With some faith and patience, it can be better than it ever was.

  25. married for 15 yrs and met 20yrs ago..with 3 beautiful babies. we are his life..i can tell but i found out of an affair that has been going on for years with another son involved. he doesnt want to leave home says he loves me very much. and i can feel it. but he wants to be going over there and coming back home when he wants. this destroys me not sure how to handle. he fights with her all the time and they call each other names. not sure what kind of relationship he has with her like that. i am so desperate to getting my family back.