When you learn that your husband cheated, the partner you built your life around was unfaithful to you, the sense of betrayal can be almost unbearable.
In a single moment, you are ripped from the life that you knew and have felt safe in. Your relationship and marriage was an important foundation for your life. Now it feels like it’s all gone. What can you possibly do?
This is one of the first agonizing questions and negative thoughts that will posses you. Thoughts that are causing you to doubt yourself and your self-worth.
But you should know that most probably, the person your husband cheated with is NOT:
• A bedroom goddess
• A Better personality
• More talented
• Or anything “better” than you
When you hear the stories told by cheating spouses, and you ask them why do men cheat, you don’t usually hear, “Well, she was just really hot” or “She could clean the kitchen like no one else.”
Most of the time, the cheater can’t give any reason that could even remotely validate their brainless choice.
But enough about your cheating spouse. Let’s move on to you, and what your deeper needs are, today and in the future.
What to do Right Now
When everything you counted on has been shattered by cheating, you may feel that you actually have to start your life from the beginning. These are critical and emergency steps you need to take – to start your life from scratch, rediscover who you really are and move forward in your life. A life where YOUR needs and wants are taken into account.
Step 1: Face the Pain
You are in a world of hurt right now. The emotional pain is no less than physical pain. In fact, it can be more so.
It’s the emotional pain you can’t ignore or escape from. The thoughts are quickly becoming obsessive in nature and they haunt you all day. Although it sounds too painful, you must face the pain. You have to deal with it and define the emotions you are feeling.
Yes, it will be uncomfortable, but acknowledgment is the way toward acceptance that you are going through hell, and that will lead to healing.
Step 2: Take Time to Gain Perspective
Most of the victims of an affair admit to being haunted by the thought that the other woman has to be somehow better than they are. The self-talk in your head can turn quite nasty upon learning of an affair.
Added to that, most cheaters are not very keen on giving all the details that you want to know about the affair, which leads to more stress on your part.
It’s going to take a stretch of time to work through these painful thoughts and deal with the negative chatter going on in your mind. Your perspective is “damaged”—accept that right now, it happens to everyone.
You will get back your “normal” perspective with time. The most important thing to understand right now is that you can NOT do this on your own, even if you spouse full cooperates. You must get professional help, or at least learn the exact steps you have to take after an affair, to save your marriage from divorce. You can find these steps here.
Step 3: Draft a Relief Plan
Acknowledgment and acceptance of painful emotions and thoughts is only part of the healing process. You don’t need all that negativity to fester inside of you, rotting in your stomach and in your heart. You have to process this negativity to get rid of it.
Plan for frequent “relief” breaks: lunches with close friends and relatives, exercise, keep busy and get out of the house as much as you possibly can. The point is you need to always remember that there is a whole world outside of your internal pain—and that you can once more feel a part of that world. You are not a member of a misery club.
I don’t mean to nag, but I will repeat an important lesson I have learned the hard way: I have seen and heard too many couples trying to heal without external help, with all their good intentions - Only to fail miserably – because they didn’t know what to do and where to start to get over this awful crisis.
How will know how to deal with gory details of his infidelity? How to get over the obsessive images and negative thoughts? How can you ever trust him again? How to forgive him?
This is where I started my healing journey, and it turned out to be all that I needed to heal from my husband’s affair and save my marriage, which I didn’t want to give up on.
Now it’s up to you. Will you stay stuck in the vicious circle of anger and pain or will you do something now, before it’s too late?
Rooting for ya,
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