A crazy cocktail of denial, anger, grief and complete loss of self-esteem.
This is how I felt when I discovered my husband had an affair with his (not so attractive) co-worker.
And I immediately wanted to know every gory detail.
Where, when, why, how.
How could he do this to me? What did he tell her about me, about our relationship? Do they have their little secrets that I know nothing about? Why did he do it?
When Confronted, a Cheater Will Probably do THIS
My husband did what most cheating spouses do when they are confronted about their infidelity. He lied, and then he lied some more.
At first he denied the whole thing, and only admitted after I showed him evidence. Then, he started lying about the details of the affair, or simply refusing to answer my (million) questions.
(I later learned about the RIGHT way to confront a cheater).
I needed him to be open, honest and admit all his wrong doings. I needed him to deal with my pain and help me cope with this nightmare.
But he kept saying he doesn’t want to talk about it.
Whenever I tried to get the truth I so desperately needed, he became defensive and looked like a caged animal. He claimed that he doesn’t want to hurt me any further by telling me all the details.
Looking back, I think he was right.
Think: Do You Really Want to Know?
If your husband really wants your marriage to survive this affair, eventually he will give in and answer most of your questions.
But, is that really a good idea for YOU?
In some cases, knowing all the truth can cause more harm than good.
If it was just a one night stand, it’s probably o.k. But if your husband had a long-term affair, the overload of (the awful) details can scar your heart in a way that will permanently damage your chances to recover from it.
If you insist upon discovering all the details about his affair, you risk permanently ending your relationship.
Even if you really want your marriage to survive this affair, the “burnt” images and details of his affair will destroy any chance of you being happy with him again – EVER.
But you can’t help yourself. You have to KNOW.
That’s why it’s important to know how to handle the affair details, if you want to save your marriage. Here are 3 steps to deal with the affair details, images and thoughts:
Step #1 – Make This Decision
You are the one that decides how much, if any, of the details you want to know. Remember, there’s an invisible line of hurt that you don’t want to cross, if you want to save your marriage.
The most important details are the ones that will confirm that you were not “crazy” to be suspicious.
For example, a certain night that he didn’t come home and told you he got drunk and spent the night at his friends’ house, when he was really with the other woman.
In this case, knowing the truth about what happened that night will help restore your confidence in your gut feelings and your confidence.
Asking how he feels about her is probably important as well. Though by staying with you and trying to work it out probably means that he chose YOU and wants YOU.
But it would be a mistake to ask him what is she like in bed, if she is better than you, how did he describe your marriage to her, what does she have that you don’t, how the affair started physically and all those awful questions that have answers that you don’t really want to hear. Believe me.
Step #2 – Write It Down
Take a couple of days to think and write down the questions that you REALLY have to know in order to move forward and heal. But remember, once you get an answer, there’s no going back.
Think about every question like that.
For example, do you really want to know how it was like to kiss her? Do you really want the answer to haunt you day and night until you feel you have to run away from him forever?
Write down questions that will help you find peace again. For example, did he feel guilty when he was with her? Did he try to stop it?
Step #3 – Give Him a Heads Up
Tell your husband in advance that you want to sit down and talk to him about the affair details, that you need it if he wants you to heal from this. This move will prevent a “spontaneous” conversation that will quickly get out of hand and turn into an outburst of anger and accusations.
And Finally…The Most Important Step
Believe me when I tell you that you can’t survive this crisis alone, without professional help. I tried to do that and made all the possible mistakes.
I was half-way divorced before I made the smart move of looking for outside help for my marriage. And since I didn’t have enough money for “traditional” marriage counseling, I signed for a 7 part e-mail course about how to survive an affair.
It has cost me less than one marriage counseling session so it was well worth it to me. My marriage has survived his affair and so can yours.
Just take the first step and get help today, before it’s too late.
What do you think? Do you have to know everything about the affair or should some things remain a secret?
Rooting for ya,
I think you may be interested in the 10 most important questions to ask a cheating husband, so here they are.
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