You keep hearing it in your head but you still can’t believe it.
“My husband cheated on me“.
Did this really happen to me?
When you first found out that your spouse cheated, the sense of betrayal was probably almost unbearable.
In a single moment, you were ripped from a life you’ve counted on and felt safe in. Your marriage and family are the foundation of your life. Could it all be gone now? What can you possibly do?
My Husband Cheated on Me – Now What?
More than anything, you just want it to go away. You want to restore the life that you knew, that you thought was safe, with the one you love.
How can you deal with the disappointment, the jealousy, the anger, the shock, the fear, the frustration and how do you pull out the knife that was stuck in your back?
Here’s my take on how to deal with the most common painful feelings that “attack” you after his affair:
#1 – How Could This Happen?
There are two ways to deal with this question: The first one is to cry it out. Let the tears run down your face, feel sorry for yourself and allow the grief to take over. But just for a while.
When the tears subside, take a deep breath and try the second way.
The second way is to actually try an answer this question by yourself: How did it happen? What were the events that lead to infidelity in your marriage?
This question is incredibly important.
#2 – How Long?
After the initial shock, you may start to feel foolish. How could I be so blind to the fact that dear husband is cheating? How could I be fooled like this?
If you feel like a dope for being lied to so “easily”, you are being too hard on yourself. It doesn’t say anything about your character and it has nothing to do with your intelligence.
An affair is a result of a long process. It’s hard to notice every little sign that an affair is about to happen and sometimes we just don’t want to see the signs.
We push away the concerns and suspicions because it’s the last thing we want to deal with.
#3 – Who Else Knows?
You may feel even more betrayed if you find out that other people knew about his affair before you did (and never told you).
Feeling like this is completely normal. But right now you have to remember that this crisis is between you and your spouse, not between you and them. After that, try to give them the benefit of the doubt until you hear their explanation.
#4 – Can I Ever Trust Him Again?
The ultimate post-affair question. He has broken your trust and trust can not be restored once it’s broken, right?
Wrong. The truth is that you CAN trust again, if your spouse learns to be totally transparent and demonstrate his willingness by showing you in other ways that he deserves your trust.
But this is a process that involves some critical steps and in my opinion – Not something that the both of you can do without professional help.
If this is the hardest part in your journey to survive an affair – I highly recommend this guide to get you through it and get a renewed marriage – Better than it ever was.
#5 – Is My Marriage Over?
Not necessarily. I’m saying this assuming that your spouse hasn’t picked up his things and left. That he chose you and keeps choosing you every day ever since this happened. That he insists he wants to solve this.
Your marriage or relationship isn’t over if you don’t want it to be. In fact, I’m living proof that you can save your relationship and even have a better one, if you take advantage of this crisis and rebuild the honesty and the love – The right way.
No, you are NOT a doormat if you choose to stay with him. You are not a sucker and you are not making a mistake, and don’t let anyone poison you with these negative feelings.
But, and I can’t emphasize this enough, don’t try to do this on your own.
So many people attempt to survive an affair without some kind of professional help only to find themselves stuck in a vicious circle of anger, resentment, negative emotions and mistrust.
The First Step is individual healing – Understanding personal healing and sorting through your emotions (betrayal. disappointment, vengefulness, fear, paranoia, anger).
The Second Step is healing as a couple – Working together to identify and resolve key issues in your relationship.
The Third Step is negotiating a renewed relationship – How to rebuild and sustain a new, loving, trust filled partnership.
You can find exactly how to do all of this – In this excellent guide and workbook.
I know you don’t believe me right now, but it is possible to put these painful emotions behind you. It will the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but the truth is you have to come in contact with these feelings and explore them (again – the right way) before you can get past them.
Once you accept them, I assure you that you will be in a much better position to cope with them and eventually put them behind you.
Rooting for ya,
What do you think? Could you ever put your painful feelings behind you?
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