My Husband Left Me For Another Woman – Can I Get Him Back?

husband left for another woman

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

I’ll bet that’s what your husband said right before he left you for another woman.

When a spouse says they no longer love you, that doesn’t always mean the love is dead. It may simply mean that his love is covered up by anger, frustration, resentment or other emotions.

I know you’re hurt beyond belief, I know you can’t believe this has happened to you, and I know you think that your marriage is destroyed for good.

But your marriage doesn’t have to be over, even if he thinks he’s in love with someone else, and even if he has already left.

If you were once in love, you can fall in love all over again.

The REAL Reason Your Husband Left You for Another Woman

The man you married has chosen to leave you for someone else. But that doesn’t mean she is any better than you.

Even if she’s 20 years younger than you, even if her hair is bigger and her waist line is smaller. It’s not your fault.

Remember this: Your cheating husband is the one with the character flaw. And if the OW knew that he was married, she also has a (huge) character flaw.

Here’s the real reason your husband left you:

** Your marriage was struggling prior to the affair. Most marriages have problems, but your husband chose to cheat instead of staying, digging in and resolving your problems.

** Your husband, like many people, chose to avoid dealing with the problems. Instead, he tried to put out a small fire in the stove with a stick of dynamite.

When he started cheating, he entered into a fantasy world in which everything it heavenly. He found a woman who adores him (mainly because she doesn’t know him at all), who doesn’t complain about anything, and gives him a chance to “fall in love” again.

Is there a long-term marriage that can compete with that?

It feels so good that it’s literally addicting.

And that’s why he decided to leave the real world and go to his fantasy land.

To justify his “feelings”, he may even start to rewrite history. He’ll say things like “I never really loved you,” “We’ve never had great sex,” “I married you out of a sense of obligation and more heart-breaking statements.

But I can almost guarantee that he is not actually in love with her. He’s in love with the addiction. The excitement. The “new” sex.

He won’t admit it, because he is probably not aware of it. But it’s true, even if he claims this woman is his “soul mate,” they were “meant to be”, they have “so much in common” blah, blah.

How to Get Your Husband Back (From Her)

I know that it feels like he has all the power right now. HE decided to have an affair. He decided to choose someone else over you. He decided to leave.

But believe it or not, you have the power to make him regret it. You have the power to make him crawl back on his knees and beg for your forgiveness.

The Steps You Need to Take Are:

1. Skip the Begging

No matter what you’ve said up until now, contact him and tell him that you feel that your separation was the right thing to do. Tell him that you understand why he left and that you’ve had serious problems that weren’t addressed.

Do not tell him that you love him.

This will do 2 things: First, it will shock the hell out of him. He expects a huge blow out, he expects fighting with you, and he expects drama.

And when drama doesn’t come, it will force him to really deal with his actions. To think twice about what he did and whether he did the right thing.

Nothing is there to distract him from evaluating his actions.

The second thing this achieves is him admiring your strength and understating that you admit your marriage has unresolved problems.

For you, this step brings the power back to you. Now it’s not only his decision. It’s yours as well.

2. Skip the Promises

Calling him, texting him and trying to convince him that you’ll change is a huge mistake. This smells like desperation and desperation is not appealing or attractive.

Your husband needs to know that you don’t think that this crisis is your fault. He should know that you are aware of your needs and your principles.

Telling him you’ll change will give him more power. And it only proves to him that he made the right decision.

3. Skip the Guilt

I know it goes against your instincts, but don’t make him feel guilty about tearing up the family.

You want him back, but you don’t want him to come back only through guilt, right? Also, this will only make him defensive and pull him further away from you.

4. Don’t Contact Her

Contacting the other woman, either to yell and blame her for everything, or just to ask her about details of their affair is NOT going to make him end it.

On the contrary.

Doing this will only strengthen their bond. They’ll have one more thing in common – Complaining about you.

Avoid this common mistake.

The Next Crucial Steps

Once you’ve prevented or fixed the above mistakes, it’s time to take the next steps to get your husband back, and make things change for the first time in your marriage.

These steps have to be taken immediately. You have to strike while the iron is hot. If you wait until he starts a divorce process, it may be too late.

You can use your separation to save your marriage.

First, you’ll have to heal from the pain and trauma, and then learn how to fall in love with each other again.

You can do it, even if he left for another woman.

In my opinion, everything you need to do and say is in this book (and workbook). It will show you how to handle your pain, how to prevent destructive behaviors, how to make him end his affair and how to rebuild the love.

Remember: If you once in love, you can fall in love again.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

Do you think your husband is about to leave you? Let me try and help…share your story in the comments below.

 

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  1. But…if the purpose of all those changes is to try to get the adulerous spouse to return, isn’t that really just a form of manipulation? And rather than being strong, isn’t it just another way of directing the weakness?

    I would propose that a much better approach would be to accept the situation for what it is, assume they are not coming back, lean into Christ as the source of strength, and get on with your life.

    If the adulterous spouse asks to come back, you can deal with the request as deemed fitting at that time. But until or unless that happens, you’re better off assuming it won’t…and not hoping it will.

    • Hey Joe, I like your response. Lately I have been going crazy wanting my wife to come back home. She didn’t leave me for another guy, she just said she was unhappy. I rededicated my life to Christ and I am trying to stay strong, and your comment was really helpful.

  2. My husband a week aho told me he didnt love or care for me. He said I deserve betterhe has been staying at a friends house Off and onn and putting all his time into his work.when he is at home he is kinda distantfrom ushitomi 3 days ago that he kissed a girl in his been texting herI love my husband very muchand I want to see our marriage work how do I get him to stop texting her and come home to just me and our three children I’m heartbroken and confused on all this he tells me that he is confused about everything and he needs some time I have been giving him time the last week to try to figure out if he wants to go to counseling he always tells me counseling doesn’t work so we’re not goingbut I love my husband and I want to win him back can you give me some advice on how to win my husband back he is one that is kind of straightforward no feelings for nothing he is a cop and he knows all the strategies I just love him and I want him back it was only a kiss and I’m willing to forgive him for that but what’s bugging me now is that he’s always on the phone texting and I don’t know if its her she is a coworker that he works with and they’re in the same field hola no workbut he is still texting me telling me when he’s not coming homewe had just recently filed for bankruptcy and we finish the paperwork yesterday is there any way to help us

    • Krys,

      That’s a lot of stress to deal with, I’m sorry you are going through this.
      Adding financial stress to evrything may seem unbearable for you at this point, but pleased hang in there – Better days will come.

      I don’t think your husband really doesn’t love you anymore. Even if he said so. I don’t think he knows how he really feels, he has just given up for now,

      I think that in your case you should not try to “fight” for him. I think you should actually tell him that separation, at least a temporary one, is a good idea.

      You can see why I’m saying this to you in my post about marriage separation, here:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/

      Don’t lose hope, good intentions go a long way and we never know what tommorrow brings.

  3. My husband and I have had a few issues over the years with communication and listening. Now we have been swinging off and on and I thought that it would make things better but it didn’t. We let our swinger friends move in and everything was good until her husband pulled out of the relationship with me and just wanted her. So my husband and I have been fighting more because I want them out and he doesn’t because he has feelings for her. Right now I have no job and no way to get out. Her husband is planning on leaving either at the end of January beginning of February and she has to make a choice between her husband and mine in April because that is when our lease is up. I am so confused on what to do? Help please!

    • Laurie,

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      I must confess I’ve never had a question like this before…quite a unique situation there…

      I guess it depends on how badly you want, if you even want, to save your marriage. I’m sure that when you agreed to let them move into your home you knew the risks and maybe predicted this could happen, right?

      It may sound weird to you, but I would stop fighting with your husband and instead focus on getting a job, some kind of a job that can help you regain your financial indipendence, so you can make a decision on your own, without being dependant on him for survival.

      Get yourself out of the equation, out of the circle of madness and just take care of yourself and rebuild your life as an individual. That would be what I would do anyway.

      Hang in there, better days will come, especially if you decide so.

      Lisa

  4. My husband and have been married a little over two years our house got broken into and I went into depression for about 6 months and he turned to another woman to talk to we got over that bump and he quit talking to her then out a the blue she showed up again and they started it all over I tried to compromise with it I ask to stop talking so much but he couldn’t so I gave him a choice me or her and he chose me we agreed to wipe the slat clean every thing was going great then s couple weeks went by and he got mad a left he tells me he love me but he is not in love and ended up with this woman anyway and she is thirty years younger than him and they are living together now and it’s only been a week and a half since he left please help i want our marriage to work I love him with all my heart

    • Deborah,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would follow the advise I’ve given in the poat for starters, and try to be patient,
      ]ust because she is younger and he is living with her, doesn’t mean that your marriage os over, yet.

      I think that if he wasn’t sure about her the first time you asked him to choose – He is not sure now either.

      Just be patient, remember your worth, don’t beg and plead,take this chance to do everything you always wanted to to and focus on improving your life as an individual.

      Time will pass and if you don’t lose control, he’ll realize what he is missing.

      That’s what I think anyway…

      Hang in there!

  5. My husband and I were together 22 years but only married 10 when he served me with divorce papers. I knew our marriage was in trouble. I have a bad temper and yell a lot. He, over the past several years, asked me to get help. I refused to listen. Now I find out (after the divorce papers – which I still haven’t signed and it has been 6 mo at the time of this posting) has been seeing someone else. He says he still wants to be my best friend. He still loves and cares for me deeply. He still wants me in his life. He still wants to have sex with me. But he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. We have a child together so we will always be intertwined with one another. I moved out a few months ago. Since he has given me the divorce papers and told me about her, all we have done is argue. Not about the things we used to argue over, just her. He won’t end it. I have tried to make him see that we could resolve our problems if we worked on them without any outside interference. Every time i think I am getting through to him, I get angry about something, and his answer to me is “See, every time I think of giving us a chance you do this…”. I know he is right about my temper. I have made every mistake listed above. We recently has a really long conversation and decided that we were going to work on our friendship – first and foremost. If while doing that his feelings start to change then he will decide what he wants to do. In the meantime, he will continue to see her. They even have spoken about moving in together, yet he says he won’t marry her anytime soon. He doesn’t want to get married again anytime soon. I don’t understand how a person can love me, be sexually involved with me, but not want to be married to me. I don’t understand how we can work on our friendship and if his feelings change then decide to leave her. Is she a safety net? I feel very confused, alone, sad, angry. I am seeing a therapist just so you know. Is it really possible to “win” him back from her? Is it just my imagination or is he throwing out mixed signals? Testing both sides of the fence?

    • Abigail,

      I think that your idea about focusing on being friends is the right way to go at this point.

      I know it’s hard, but it’s the right path. Just be his friend and let him know you want to be his friend.
      Friends don’t have sex though, and this should be left out of the “deal”.

      If you don’t expect him to be anything more than your friend, he will be able to relax (and you will too!) and remember who you really are and why he fell in love with you in the first place.

      I know it seems difficult, but you can do it, and the reward will be worth it.

      No demands, no accusations, just friendship. That’s the base for a good relationship. You used to have it, and you can have it again.

      I hope this helps and I wish you the best,

      Lisa

  6. My husband left me to be with another woman. The affair lasted a little more than a year. He left her and went home to live with his parents. When he leftme,I was forced to move in with my parents as I had no job or transportation. I soon became very ill and was hospitalized many times. He would come see about me occasionally. When he was hospitalixed with a heart attack,i was the there for him.The doctor even told him he has a women who really cares about him. We talk on a regular basis and see each other frequently. I sometimes cook for him because he doesn’t get to eat healthy food like he should. Although he completely left the first woman alone, he has been seeing someone else whom he told me about. He financially supports me since I am not employed. He sometimes takes me to eat (for my birthday) and we spend time talking. I’ve learned not to bombard him with calls everyday. He will call me and have short conversations. We sometimes have sex. But he still spends weekend time with this new chick. He has asked me to help find him a new place to live. And I obliged. I will always love him and will never break my marriage vows by committing adultery. Does my marriage stand a chance of reconciliation? I pray each night for this and have acknowledged what I did wrong in my marriage. We talk about the problems he’s experiencing. I help him anyway I can. Please help

    • Grace,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      I think that you’re brave and very strong to have this kind of patience. I do think your marriage has a chance, but I also think that while you’re kind of waiting for him to realize he has made a mistake, you should try to move on – Just like he did.

      Seeing a new man would not be cheating on him or breaking your vows, since you are separated. I think that he can see that you are waiting for him, and that you won’t see another man, so he feels no urgency to decide about the rest of his life.

      He thinks he can have the cake and eat it too, which is unfortunately true at this point. I would actually advise you to start seeing another man – If only to stop waiting and putting your life on hold.

      I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.

      Lisa

  7. Hi Lisa,
    My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. He has always struggled with depression and alcohol use, but was a wonderful husband and an amazing stepfather to my daughter. This past fall, he came home drunk and the police followed him home. This behavior had never happened before. I discovered that night that he was having an affair with his boss, a friend of mine. Since then his drinking has consumed him, and he is now in rehab getting help. He moved out and is continuing the affair. I just want the chance to go to counseling together and find out where it went wrong. Please help!

    • Jaime,

      I think that his affair is alcohol-induced. Meaning, the moment he’ll sober up, after rehab, he will probably realize the mistake he has made and try to get back with you.
      When that happens, it’s going to be the right time for counseling.
      Right now, I would let him complete his rehab and do what ever he wants. His head is not on the right place and timing is everything.

      Try to be patient and good things will happen.

      This is just my opinion though, and I hope it helps.

      Hang in there and focus on healing YOURSELF right now.

      Lisa