My Husband Left Me For Another Woman – Can I Get Him Back?

husband left for another woman

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

I’ll bet that’s what your husband said right before he left you for another woman.

When a spouse says they no longer love you, that doesn’t always mean the love is dead. It may simply mean that his love is covered up by anger, frustration, resentment or other emotions.

I know you’re hurt beyond belief, I know you can’t believe this has happened to you, and I know you think that your marriage is destroyed for good.

But your marriage doesn’t have to be over, even if he thinks he’s in love with someone else, and even if he has already left.

If you were once in love, you can fall in love all over again.

The REAL Reason Your Husband Left You for Another Woman

The man you married has chosen to leave you for someone else. But that doesn’t mean she is any better than you.

Even if she’s 20 years younger than you, even if her hair is bigger and her waist line is smaller. It’s not your fault.

Remember this: Your cheating husband is the one with the character flaw. And if the OW knew that he was married, she also has a (huge) character flaw.

Here’s the real reason your husband left you:

** Your marriage was struggling prior to the affair. Most marriages have problems, but your husband chose to cheat instead of staying, digging in and resolving your problems.

** Your husband, like many people, chose to avoid dealing with the problems. Instead, he tried to put out a small fire in the stove with a stick of dynamite.

When he started cheating, he entered into a fantasy world in which everything it heavenly. He found a woman who adores him (mainly because she doesn’t know him at all), who doesn’t complain about anything, and gives him a chance to “fall in love” again.

Is there a long-term marriage that can compete with that?

It feels so good that it’s literally addicting.

And that’s why he decided to leave the real world and go to his fantasy land.

To justify his “feelings”, he may even start to rewrite history. He’ll say things like “I never really loved you,” “We’ve never had great sex,” “I married you out of a sense of obligation and more heart-breaking statements.

But I can almost guarantee that he is not actually in love with her. He’s in love with the addiction. The excitement. The “new” sex.

He won’t admit it, because he is probably not aware of it. But it’s true, even if he claims this woman is his “soul mate,” they were “meant to be”, they have “so much in common” blah, blah.

How to Get Your Husband Back (From Her)

I know that it feels like he has all the power right now. HE decided to have an affair. He decided to choose someone else over you. He decided to leave.

But believe it or not, you have the power to make him regret it. You have the power to make him crawl back on his knees and beg for your forgiveness.

The Steps You Need to Take Are:

1. Skip the Begging

No matter what you’ve said up until now, contact him and tell him that you feel that your separation was the right thing to do. Tell him that you understand why he left and that you’ve had serious problems that weren’t addressed.

Do not tell him that you love him.

This will do 2 things: First, it will shock the hell out of him. He expects a huge blow out, he expects fighting with you, and he expects drama.

And when drama doesn’t come, it will force him to really deal with his actions. To think twice about what he did and whether he did the right thing.

Nothing is there to distract him from evaluating his actions.

The second thing this achieves is him admiring your strength and understating that you admit your marriage has unresolved problems.

For you, this step brings the power back to you. Now it’s not only his decision. It’s yours as well.

2. Skip the Promises

Calling him, texting him and trying to convince him that you’ll change is a huge mistake. This smells like desperation and desperation is not appealing or attractive.

Your husband needs to know that you don’t think that this crisis is your fault. He should know that you are aware of your needs and your principles.

Telling him you’ll change will give him more power. And it only proves to him that he made the right decision.

3. Skip the Guilt

I know it goes against your instincts, but don’t make him feel guilty about tearing up the family.

You want him back, but you don’t want him to come back only through guilt, right? Also, this will only make him defensive and pull him further away from you.

4. Don’t Confront Her

Contacting the other woman, either to yell and blame her for everything, or just to ask her about details of their affair is NOT going to make him end it.

On the contrary.

Doing this will only strengthen their bond. They’ll have one more thing in common – Complaining about you.

Avoid this common mistake.

(Here’s my full post about confronting the other woman)

The Next Crucial Steps

Once you’ve prevented or fixed the above mistakes, it’s time to take the next steps to get your husband back, and make things change for the first time in your marriage.

These steps have to be taken immediately. You have to strike while the iron is hot. If you wait until he starts a divorce process, it may be too late.

You can use your separation to save your marriage.

First, you’ll have to heal from the pain and trauma, and then learn how to fall in love with each other again.

You can do it, even if he left for another woman.

In my opinion, everything you need to do and say is in this book (and workbook). It will show you how to handle your pain, how to prevent destructive behaviors, how to make him end his affair and how to rebuild the love.

Remember: If you once in love, you can fall in love again.

Rooting for ya,



What do you think? Can you get your husband back after he left for another woman? 

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  1. But…if the purpose of all those changes is to try to get the adulerous spouse to return, isn’t that really just a form of manipulation? And rather than being strong, isn’t it just another way of directing the weakness?

    I would propose that a much better approach would be to accept the situation for what it is, assume they are not coming back, lean into Christ as the source of strength, and get on with your life.

    If the adulterous spouse asks to come back, you can deal with the request as deemed fitting at that time. But until or unless that happens, you’re better off assuming it won’t…and not hoping it will.

    • Hey Joe, I like your response. Lately I have been going crazy wanting my wife to come back home. She didn’t leave me for another guy, she just said she was unhappy. I rededicated my life to Christ and I am trying to stay strong, and your comment was really helpful.

  2. My husband a week aho told me he didnt love or care for me. He said I deserve betterhe has been staying at a friends house Off and onn and putting all his time into his work.when he is at home he is kinda distantfrom ushitomi 3 days ago that he kissed a girl in his been texting herI love my husband very muchand I want to see our marriage work how do I get him to stop texting her and come home to just me and our three children I’m heartbroken and confused on all this he tells me that he is confused about everything and he needs some time I have been giving him time the last week to try to figure out if he wants to go to counseling he always tells me counseling doesn’t work so we’re not goingbut I love my husband and I want to win him back can you give me some advice on how to win my husband back he is one that is kind of straightforward no feelings for nothing he is a cop and he knows all the strategies I just love him and I want him back it was only a kiss and I’m willing to forgive him for that but what’s bugging me now is that he’s always on the phone texting and I don’t know if its her she is a coworker that he works with and they’re in the same field hola no workbut he is still texting me telling me when he’s not coming homewe had just recently filed for bankruptcy and we finish the paperwork yesterday is there any way to help us

    • Krys,

      That’s a lot of stress to deal with, I’m sorry you are going through this.
      Adding financial stress to evrything may seem unbearable for you at this point, but pleased hang in there – Better days will come.

      I don’t think your husband really doesn’t love you anymore. Even if he said so. I don’t think he knows how he really feels, he has just given up for now,

      I think that in your case you should not try to “fight” for him. I think you should actually tell him that separation, at least a temporary one, is a good idea.

      You can see why I’m saying this to you in my post about marriage separation, here:

      Don’t lose hope, good intentions go a long way and we never know what tommorrow brings.

  3. My husband and I have had a few issues over the years with communication and listening. Now we have been swinging off and on and I thought that it would make things better but it didn’t. We let our swinger friends move in and everything was good until her husband pulled out of the relationship with me and just wanted her. So my husband and I have been fighting more because I want them out and he doesn’t because he has feelings for her. Right now I have no job and no way to get out. Her husband is planning on leaving either at the end of January beginning of February and she has to make a choice between her husband and mine in April because that is when our lease is up. I am so confused on what to do? Help please!

    • Laurie,

      I’m so sorry you are going through this.

      I must confess I’ve never had a question like this before…quite a unique situation there…

      I guess it depends on how badly you want, if you even want, to save your marriage. I’m sure that when you agreed to let them move into your home you knew the risks and maybe predicted this could happen, right?

      It may sound weird to you, but I would stop fighting with your husband and instead focus on getting a job, some kind of a job that can help you regain your financial indipendence, so you can make a decision on your own, without being dependant on him for survival.

      Get yourself out of the equation, out of the circle of madness and just take care of yourself and rebuild your life as an individual. That would be what I would do anyway.

      Hang in there, better days will come, especially if you decide so.


  4. My husband and have been married a little over two years our house got broken into and I went into depression for about 6 months and he turned to another woman to talk to we got over that bump and he quit talking to her then out a the blue she showed up again and they started it all over I tried to compromise with it I ask to stop talking so much but he couldn’t so I gave him a choice me or her and he chose me we agreed to wipe the slat clean every thing was going great then s couple weeks went by and he got mad a left he tells me he love me but he is not in love and ended up with this woman anyway and she is thirty years younger than him and they are living together now and it’s only been a week and a half since he left please help i want our marriage to work I love him with all my heart

    • Deborah,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would follow the advise I’ve given in the poat for starters, and try to be patient,
      ]ust because she is younger and he is living with her, doesn’t mean that your marriage os over, yet.

      I think that if he wasn’t sure about her the first time you asked him to choose – He is not sure now either.

      Just be patient, remember your worth, don’t beg and plead,take this chance to do everything you always wanted to to and focus on improving your life as an individual.

      Time will pass and if you don’t lose control, he’ll realize what he is missing.

      That’s what I think anyway…

      Hang in there!

  5. My husband and I were together 22 years but only married 10 when he served me with divorce papers. I knew our marriage was in trouble. I have a bad temper and yell a lot. He, over the past several years, asked me to get help. I refused to listen. Now I find out (after the divorce papers – which I still haven’t signed and it has been 6 mo at the time of this posting) has been seeing someone else. He says he still wants to be my best friend. He still loves and cares for me deeply. He still wants me in his life. He still wants to have sex with me. But he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. We have a child together so we will always be intertwined with one another. I moved out a few months ago. Since he has given me the divorce papers and told me about her, all we have done is argue. Not about the things we used to argue over, just her. He won’t end it. I have tried to make him see that we could resolve our problems if we worked on them without any outside interference. Every time i think I am getting through to him, I get angry about something, and his answer to me is “See, every time I think of giving us a chance you do this…”. I know he is right about my temper. I have made every mistake listed above. We recently has a really long conversation and decided that we were going to work on our friendship – first and foremost. If while doing that his feelings start to change then he will decide what he wants to do. In the meantime, he will continue to see her. They even have spoken about moving in together, yet he says he won’t marry her anytime soon. He doesn’t want to get married again anytime soon. I don’t understand how a person can love me, be sexually involved with me, but not want to be married to me. I don’t understand how we can work on our friendship and if his feelings change then decide to leave her. Is she a safety net? I feel very confused, alone, sad, angry. I am seeing a therapist just so you know. Is it really possible to “win” him back from her? Is it just my imagination or is he throwing out mixed signals? Testing both sides of the fence?

    • Abigail,

      I think that your idea about focusing on being friends is the right way to go at this point.

      I know it’s hard, but it’s the right path. Just be his friend and let him know you want to be his friend.
      Friends don’t have sex though, and this should be left out of the “deal”.

      If you don’t expect him to be anything more than your friend, he will be able to relax (and you will too!) and remember who you really are and why he fell in love with you in the first place.

      I know it seems difficult, but you can do it, and the reward will be worth it.

      No demands, no accusations, just friendship. That’s the base for a good relationship. You used to have it, and you can have it again.

      I hope this helps and I wish you the best,


  6. My husband left me to be with another woman. The affair lasted a little more than a year. He left her and went home to live with his parents. When he leftme,I was forced to move in with my parents as I had no job or transportation. I soon became very ill and was hospitalized many times. He would come see about me occasionally. When he was hospitalixed with a heart attack,i was the there for him.The doctor even told him he has a women who really cares about him. We talk on a regular basis and see each other frequently. I sometimes cook for him because he doesn’t get to eat healthy food like he should. Although he completely left the first woman alone, he has been seeing someone else whom he told me about. He financially supports me since I am not employed. He sometimes takes me to eat (for my birthday) and we spend time talking. I’ve learned not to bombard him with calls everyday. He will call me and have short conversations. We sometimes have sex. But he still spends weekend time with this new chick. He has asked me to help find him a new place to live. And I obliged. I will always love him and will never break my marriage vows by committing adultery. Does my marriage stand a chance of reconciliation? I pray each night for this and have acknowledged what I did wrong in my marriage. We talk about the problems he’s experiencing. I help him anyway I can. Please help

    • Grace,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      I think that you’re brave and very strong to have this kind of patience. I do think your marriage has a chance, but I also think that while you’re kind of waiting for him to realize he has made a mistake, you should try to move on – Just like he did.

      Seeing a new man would not be cheating on him or breaking your vows, since you are separated. I think that he can see that you are waiting for him, and that you won’t see another man, so he feels no urgency to decide about the rest of his life.

      He thinks he can have the cake and eat it too, which is unfortunately true at this point. I would actually advise you to start seeing another man – If only to stop waiting and putting your life on hold.

      I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.


  7. Hi Lisa,
    My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. He has always struggled with depression and alcohol use, but was a wonderful husband and an amazing stepfather to my daughter. This past fall, he came home drunk and the police followed him home. This behavior had never happened before. I discovered that night that he was having an affair with his boss, a friend of mine. Since then his drinking has consumed him, and he is now in rehab getting help. He moved out and is continuing the affair. I just want the chance to go to counseling together and find out where it went wrong. Please help!

    • Jaime,

      I think that his affair is alcohol-induced. Meaning, the moment he’ll sober up, after rehab, he will probably realize the mistake he has made and try to get back with you.
      When that happens, it’s going to be the right time for counseling.
      Right now, I would let him complete his rehab and do what ever he wants. His head is not on the right place and timing is everything.

      Try to be patient and good things will happen.

      This is just my opinion though, and I hope it helps.

      Hang in there and focus on healing YOURSELF right now.


  8. My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs and married for 4 in September, we have had a great relationship until the past year and a half, I found that I closed myself up and was down in self esteem, he offered to help but I refused. We argued over things and it never got resolved just arguing over the same thing every time….it has been 6 weeks since we have separated he told me he felt he wasn’t in love anymore but he still cared deeply for me and has a love for me. Also has said that we have such a strong bond and I have a direct path to his soul and I told him the same….he has been seeing another for almost 2 weeks now and it crushes me….he has given me hope about us telling me to get myself back and attract him again but now that this other woman is in the picture I just feel all hope is lost…I will keep on trying I cannot give up but it’s hard for me to show him if he’s not around or won’t come home to me and our daughter….I just want that chance to prove and I’m lost on how to get him around more?

    • And the separation was not through paperwork just something he thought we needed….but in order for me to show him he needs to be here…not sure what to do?

  9. Liv,

    I don’t think you have to “show” him anything. If you take this chance, “forced” on you by him leaving and seeing someone else, and use it to really bond with yourself right now, heal, and take care of yourself, he’ll have no choice but to notice it.

    You have a daughter together so he’ll always be a part of your life and if you stay cool, and work on being the best you possible (not for him! for yourself!) he will notice it and probably hit himself in the head when he realizes what he gave up on.

    Don’t seem desperate, don’t beg, don’t ask for another chance, work on being happy right now, without depending on anyone else for it.

    It’s my opinion only of course, and I hope it helps, and hang in there. All things happen for a good reason.

  10. Could you please offer me some advice on how to arrange a meeting with my husband during our separation to discuss boundaries for said separation?

    To give some background, my husband left the our home 2.5 weeks ago telling me he was not in love with me anymore and hadnt been happy for some time. This was a shock to me and I of course broke down and begged him to stay etc etc…But I now see that in doing so this will push him further away. He agreed to a meeting last week to discuss things and I then agreed to a separation but not divorce (which is what I think he wanted originally) I told him I will take this time to work on myself, gather support around me (I am from NZ and have no family and not many friends here) and get on with university. He was teary and told me I was brave, but this didnt change he way he felt.

    There was an incident a few months ago where I found him to be emotionally investing in another woman. He assured me this was nothing more but I was very hurt. We agreed to work things through. But it is only now that he has gone that I realise I didnt take this to be what it meant…that I wasnt listening to him properly and giving him what he needed emotionally. My trust for him also took a big knock but as I mentioned I thought we had committed to working on this and saving our marriage.

    I miss him terribly and really want the best chance of making this work and for him to realise our marriage IS worth saving. so I am working on maintaining our friendship for now as he agrees that this has not been damaged. I suspect there is another woman but he swears there is not.

    TIA!! Susan

  11. Susan,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    I think that you did the right thing by telling him that you agree to separate and going to work on yourself.

    I think, though, that this should not be just telling him, but also doing it. Really. Committing to it and focusing on it and nothing else.

    Like I sais in the post, your best chances of getting him back is to take this time and re-learn who you are ans what you really want, while staying friends with him (this includes not even asking him about other women…)

    I know it seems hard, but today’s efforts are tommorrow’s blessing and remember, everything happens just like it should and at the perfect time. Just make the best of this opportunity to change your life, and the best things will happen to you.


  12. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 11. We have 3 children, ages 16 months, 4 and 6. He recently left me and moved in with the ow he has been seeing for only 2 months. We have been living with my parents for a few years because I have been going through school and he has been just working security. He went through the police academy and has been having a hard time getting a police job. He is also in the Army National Guard. He was deployed in Afgahnistan Jan. 2011 – May 2012. I really think he has ptsd and depression. For the last few months he has been very distant from me and the kids. He hasn’t been hanging out with friends or doing activities he would normally do on a regular basis. He would kept saying we need to fix things. He would say I do this wrong and that. It was like he was trying not to love me. One day he’d kiss me and showed affection, we were still having sex, then the next day nothing. I’ve been trying to get him to see a counciler but he won’t. He has admitted he has PTSD and other issues but then other days he says he doesn’t. He thinks this women he is with now is his soul mate. He met her online and lied saying he has been divorced for two years. She has found out he’s married and still wants to be with him. I don’t see it working out. I love my husband so much, I hate was he has done. I just wish he would get some help if it is because of PTSD and depression. Do you think it might be? I still want him back.

  13. Marie,

    I think that most men who leave for another woman have convinced themselves that she is their soul mate. They will ususally change history in their mind too, telling themselves they never loved you.

    Like you said, it doesn’t have to be true, most probably isn’t, but you won’t be able to convince him about this.

    Since this is not the first time he has been cheating, like you suspect, I would consider trying to moving on with my life, even if you love him and want him back.

    You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself right now, which seens to be the case with your ex. You can use this time to focus on yourself, restoring your life, figuring out (again) who YOU are and what you really want.

    If you are meant to be, I think you will find your way back to each other. I think that you should just try to be his friend, and only his friend, at this point. Until he decides to get help and the treatment that he needs. And he will, I’m sure. It just may take time.

  14. My husband left me immediately after I found out he was having an emotional affair with a much younger house friend. She was over at our house a lot and I cooked for her, took her out and listened to her problems. I even said I loved her like a little sister.

    My husband told me on his birthday that he had feelings for her and doubts about us, but wanted to work on our marriage. He told me he had told her of his feelings but they weren’t reciprocated. When I told her I was aware of what was said, she said nothing was going on between them. I told her I trusted her and that we were going to work on our marriage and seek counselling.

    She then texted him that she DID reciprocate his feelings and they agreed to start an affair. She is 21 and he is her first boyfriend.

    When I found out, mainly because she was acting so sketchy and she tried to convince me not to keep him from her (despite me never making any moves of the sort), my husband up and left.

    He told me all the classics: I haven’t loved you in a long time. I don’t think I ever have. She is my soul mate.

    He moved out that night, leaving me bewildered. We still had sex, cuddled, laughed, had deep meaningful talks. He had been suffering from a deep depression.

    He now says he doesn’t need anymore counselling cause he has her.

    The day after she left she came to my house to tell me teary eyed she was going to end it with him. She loved him like a brother not a lover. We agreed I would break the news to him gently. After he wailed and screamed and I tried to comfort my husband (who had broken my heart only the day before), he went to her to get broken up with and she told him I had twisted her words! Now she said she was going to wait till the divorce came through. So he came back angry with me and telling me he was going to push for a divorce.

    Her manipulation continued while she texts people nasty stories about me and my husband believes every word she says.

    It took her only 3 days after our separation to give him “permission to kiss her” and a week to have sex.

    During our friendship I had confided in her that I was sexually abused by my ex and that it caused some sexual problems in my marriage. She then told me she was raped and was “unable to have sex”.

    Yet a week after my husband left me (you know…when she said she was going to wait till divorce) she wanted to have sex with him. He believes she was raped and basically he now thinks he’s a hero for “curing her”.

    He confided in me he knows she lies, but he found the solution by “asking her several times if she’s telling the truth”.

    Husband and I are trying to work on a positive, friendly relationship.

    However, I fell into a deep depression. I’m now getting therapy and medication. I survived 3 suicide attempts (one my husband found me after my dad called him to check up on me as I wasn’t picking up the phone).

    The counselling and meds are helping me.

    My husband is openly dating her. We are still married. It’s been less than 2 months.

    Yesterday she sent me an email wanting to open up conversation but only on her terms (only through email so she can “revise what she’s saying” and “no details about my current relationship with your husband as it is personal”). I showed my counsellors and they agreed it looked manipulative, but they said I might need to vent my anger on her to heal but on my terms (in person, so she can’t hide).

    I still bring my husband food sometimes, helped him move and we talk often. I’ve been thinking of minimising contact.

    However, I still think my husband’s depression clouds his judgement and feelings. I think he’s not really in love with her (and she’s just using him to feel superior), but feels the relationship is an escape from his problems. Obviously, me telling him that didn’t work.

    We have now agreed not to talk about “her”. He believes her and believes he loves her.

    I can’t believe he is throwing away 10 years of marriage for a child he knows less than a year.

    We don’t have children.

    I know I might be crazy, but when my husband is stable, he is wonderful and loving. He behaves entirely differently when he’s with her. I still want him back, though I feel he has a lot of work to do (he needs to actively work on his depression and needs to be willing to actively heal from the affair and the aftermath). The problem: he’s constantly saying he wants her and not me.

    Friends are uncomfortable with her and don’t trust her. They don’t express this to them, but have come to me to say they don’t like seeing her with him.

    I’ve been rather isolated as I fear running into them together.

    I have not yet responded to her email. I’m unsure what to do. I am convinced she’s trying to control both of us and though she has her meat hooks into my husband, I don’t want her to fool me any longer.

    Am I delusional? Does he really want to be with her? Is he really suddenly “over the worst of his depression now he has left me?”

    Am I right? Is he letting his depression cloud his judgement? Is she manipulating him?

    I’m afraid I have texted him, begged and said I love him. I’m tempted to confront her, but as my mental stability is slowly returning I’m unsure of this…

    Is there hope for a renewed marriage between me and my husband once the fog of the affair and depression clears? Should I just let this run its course and remain present in the background?

  15. Daphne,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    I think that you are amazingly brave, strong and smart.

    I think that your deep instincts are completely right, and that he is not really in love with her.

    Like you said, he is probably doing this because of his depression and uses this affair to run away from dealing with himself.

    You are right and smart to stay friends with him, and when he treats himself and feels better, he’ll realize his mistake and beg to get back with you.

    You don’t really need me for advice, you know it all by yourself. You are very connected with your intuition.

    I think that if you focus on healing yourself and use this time to improve your own life, he will find his way back to you.

    As for her, I would ignore her attempts to control the situation, and tell her politely that you don’t want to be in contact with her.

    At the same time – For yourself and no one else – Work on forgiving her, and him.

    Again, not for them – for you. Because anger hurts and poisons you – Not them.

    I would be glad to hear from again in the future to see what has happened and changed.

    I wish you all the best – Keep listening to your inner voice – It knows everything.


  16. Last week I got a phone call that my husband of 25 years was having an affair with onother woman. I confronted my husband and at first he said it was not true, then as the days went on his story kept changing, First he said it was only two times they slept together and now he has finally said he is done with the lying and he has been sleeping with her for about a year and they are in love! I am shocked! I know I have been pushing him away for the past few years, And this is a huge wake -up call. I want to save my marriage but he doesn’t want to end his affair with her, he wants to see if they work out in the public setting, all they know is hiding out . He says they have alot in common and loves her personality. What do I do, do I sit around and wait for him while her “dates” his girlfriend and sees if he really wants a life with her and not our family? I know this is so wrong, but I am willing to wait for him because I love him so much and want to keep our family together.. Please help!

  17. Jenny,

    That’s a huge wake up call to deal with, I know. I respect your ability to take responsibility for the things that you did, most people can’t seem to do that, all they see is that the other spouse is to blame for everything.

    Do you still live together or has he left and living with her now?

  18. He spends the weekend nights at her place, comes home to shower and eat, I just told him I have had enough, he must move out. he said give me a week…

    • I feel like i’m going crazy! He is giving me such mixed emotions. He says he loves me, I asked if he is “IN” love with me and he says maybe. I asked is he in love with her he says i think. How can you be in love with two differant people at the same time? He is still at home with us, he says he is not ready to move in with her, even though she wants him to leave me and the kids right now and move on with her. But also he is not ready to end the affair with her. He said he is glad I finally know, so the lying can stop, but he is almost to open about his relationship with her. Anything I ask he tells me, he lets me know when he is seeing her, I called him last week end and he said he was with her and staying at her place for the night, Then when he comes home Its like he is all about me. We have had sex twice since I found out about the affair. I know this is so wrong but I feel if I get mad and kick him out, he will have no choice but to go to her and live happily ever after. I don’t want to lose him, but I have to have some self respect for myself and not let him do this to me. Its either her or me, but he says he is not ready to make that choice. So what do I do? just let him keep seeing her, and when he is home with me we get along great, he acts understanding when I tell him how confused I am he says he’s confused to. He said she is willing to wait for him for as long as it takes. This could go on for years! I’m not ready to let him go, I want him more then ever now and I’m so scared he is going to choose her..

  19. It seems to me that he still loves you, but she the advantage of a “new thing” so he thinks he is in love with her (excitement of a new thing).

    I think I would wait a little while linger, but without the sex. You can stay good friends with him, get along and everything, but no sex.

    At some point he won’t be able to go on like this, without choosing. If you stay friends with him and use this time to focus on YOURSELF and healing from this, I think that he will choose you.

    But don’t let him eat the cake and have it too. That way he can really go on like this for years.

  20. Hi, i’ve been married to my husband 10 years and for the past year and a half or so, not sure on exact time. He has been having a emotional affair, they have not met in person yet this started on the internet. I’m worried he’s going to leave me for her, shes 30 years younger than i and much more beautiful. It breaks my heart, he is forever locked in his room. Doesn’t let anyone in unless they inform him who they are even our daughter.
    He talks to this woman every day, most the day barely spends any time with myself, i even found out recently he has been sending her money and wanting to visit her or live close to her.
    He hasn’t mentioned divorce yet but i feel that it is coming, do i have rights to be fearful he will leave me for her? I need as much advice about this as possible…

  21. Sara,

    So I gather that he has admitted about his emotional affair?

    Yes, it does seem like he is developing feelings for her and is acting on it, slowly and surely.

    I must remind you that his entire attraction is based on his fantasy and imagination. He doesn’t really know this woman and it’s exciting and thrilling only because it’s new.

    From what you’ve said I am guessing that this a typical “midlife crisis affair”.

    Here’s my post about what to do in this situation:

    Hang in there, everything happens for a reason – And it’s always for the best. You just have to believe it.



    • No, he hasn’t admitted it but i am aware of it. I’ve become concerned because i overheard him talking to her about having a child together. I truly hope this is a phase, i just feel that i’m losing him. Should i confront him about this affair?

  22. Hi my husband juat told me he likes another woman a lot. I know about her and when he sees her or text her. She is also a work colleague. Now we still live together we are not wven talking about getting separated or him leaving or wven divorce. He want to go to counselling for aome issues he got before anything is decided. The problem is he says he care deply for me but doesn’t believe he can be in love with me or attracted to me again. That those feelings can’t ever come back. But when we walk he hold my hand. He kisses me and gives me cuddles and hugs even so we dont have sex. He hasn’t with the other woman either and I believe him on that one. Now he also talk about doing something about my 40yh birthday and maybe rent a camping van next year. He is 49 and I am really confused. I do believe our marriage can be save but he doesn’t believe in it.
    Oh and he is also saying he want to keep the door open for us or as friends or as a couple !!! Please help

    • It seems to me that you husband wants to have it all – Have a wife and a home, and another woman on the side.
      Nothing uncommon about that, mind you…

      I’m no expert what I would make him choose right now. No waiting for him to make up his mind, no cuddles amd kisses until he makes a move toward some direction.

      All the while I would stay friends with him and communicate with him in a nice and friendly manner, without anger and accusations.

      Can you try and get in touch with how you feel and what you really want? Because you seem to me completely detached from your emotions at this point.

  23. I am to scared to confront him, i’m not sure i want it to be true 100% yet. He has said he still loves me, i’ve asked him.
    But i listen to there conversations when he assumes i’m asleep, he’s never mentioned divorce.
    Just that he needs resources and not to worry he’s sorting it all out.
    What the hell does that mean?? Maybe i should confront him, i’m just so scared he wants me to so that he can leave without having to do it himself.

  24. I think you know what this means, it seems like he’s telling her to wait until he can leave you.

    That doesn’t mean that he is not just lying to her, but what does it matter?

    I think you don’t have much choice but confronting him, not doing this will not prevent anything because it’s there. It’s happening, And the sooner you deal with it the better.

    I know it’s hard, but everything happens for a reason and for the best. It’s what I believe anyway.

  25. Hi no I am not detached. I really want to save our marriage. I do love him. He got some issues to deal with, lost his mum at 13, and never had any counseling for it. He asked for my support and I said I will. That is something I know his hasn’t talk about with the other woman. He said it got nothing to do with her. Last night he went to see her but was texting me to say he miss me. This morning he was kisses me and hugging me. He said I can hold him on tbe fact tbat he said that next at this time we will still be together. I am trying very hard not to ask to many questions the way I see it , he that he feel unhappy and blame the marriage. He did talk about a feeling of plotting along. He also said that the other woman flatter his ego. He did talked a lot those last few months about being 49 and not having done much with his life.
    If I seem detached is I think because I try to understand on which feet to dance.

    • My partner of 10 years just left me and our family(16 year old daughter and a three year old daughter) for another woman who is younger than me, skinnier.
      ever since I found out I have been devastated and heartbroken beyond belief I never dreamed he would do this to us I am in love with him and love him so much.

      I had problems where I would like him and criticize him and it drove him away and my question is he really seems like he done with me for good what can I do because I love him and we need him in the family and he’s with another woman that had two children and leaving us here alone.
      I have lost 15 pounds from not being able to eat and I also started smoking cigarettes again because I am so stressed out and so heartbroken.

      its so long of a story but I am living in constant regret that this is all of my fault and I love him and feel like I need him back this is tormenting me what can I do he has heard me tell him that I admitted that I was wrong and it doesn’t matter because now its too late he said.

      I begged for us to get counseling and he said it wouldn’t help and I wouldn’t change he was not good at communicating and kept everything inside I found out he moved on and never even told me he said that I should know that’s what happens if you treat somebody that way please help me I feel like my life is a constant nightmare what can I do please help!

      • Emily,

        I know this seems like the worst time of your life. BUT, under no circimstances should you keep blaming yourslef the way you do, because it’s NEVER only the fault of one side, and thinking like this will only make things worse for you.
        First thing to do, before anything else, is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for your side of the story and pray that he forgives himself too (believe me, he feels bad about this too).

        It seems like a bad idea to keep convincing him to come back by saying it’s all your fault. You’ve expressed your regret, now the ball is in his court. Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to let him do his thing and realize his mistakes on his own.

        The best way to show him what a huge mistake he made is to concntrate on yourself and your children, and healing yourself.

        This includes forgiving both you and him, and thinking why you have brought yourself to the point where you are in life now. There’s always a reason (sometimes hidden) and the reason is always a good one. It happened to make things ultimately better, not worse. At least it’s what I believe.

        Take it one day at a time and trust me, you can never know what tommorrow brings. Expect the best, expect miracles. And they will happen.

        I hope this helps and hang in there,


  26. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We had a rough time but we both loved each other very much. He used during part of our marriage and had undiagnosed bi polar until 2 years ago. He wrote me many beautiful letters. When he got on bipolar medicine he told everyone how much he loved me and he never wanted to lose me. That he would search for me a thousand lifetimes. Right before he got on bipolar meds he was at his lowest point. While he was away to get mental health treatment I built up a wall. I still loved him very much but was scared to get hurt again. In January he moved out and said he needed to seperate for about 6 months. I had started breaking down the walls the month before but he said he needed to see if it was real. He moved back in July. He said I was everything he always wanted. In August I noticed he wasn’t being as affectionate as usual. I confronted him (to many times im sure) about this. August 24 he moved out saying he was confused and needed space. I found out he was having an affair at the beginning of September. He told me that he met her while we were separated. He told me the moment he saw her he felt something he has never felt before. Like they were together in a past life. I can’t tell you how painful that was and how those words replay in my head everyday. He says he thinks he is in love with her. But that he still loves me more. He says he is staying at a guy friends of his. In mid september he told me that he told the ow that he wants to try to work things out with me because he thinks it will work. He told me that at this point he still wants to be friends with her but will not see her, just talk to her on the phone. Here is the problem. I think he is living with her. He swears he isn’t but things arn’t adding up. I don’t know what to do. I am in tears everyday. I try not to call or text him because I want to give him the space he needs. He says he is going to make an effort to call me at least everday to show me that he loves me. So far (just this week) he is doing that. I strongly believe he is going through a midlife crisis. Can I get him back? What do I do? I don’t want to push him more into her arms. Is there any hope? I am devestated. We also have 4 children. Even though we have had problems, our love for each other has been very deep. I feel blindsided by all of this and I am so sad. I want to grow old with my husband but I am so afraid that he is choosing the ow instead of me. He comes over about 3 nights a week and is snuggly and says he loves me over and over. I am so confused. I pray that you can give me some advise. I would love to buy the program but I don’t have any income right now. I will try to hopefully sometime soon.

    • Christi,

      From what you’ve written, it does seem like the classic midlife crisis affair, and I think your instinct about this is right.
      Like in most midlife crisis affairs, he is trying to eat the cake and have it too, because he hasn’t decided what to do yet.

      I think that even though it’s extremely hard, you are right about not pressuring him to prevent pushing him away, but you have to set boundaries as well. He has to understand that he can’t have both of you.

      Here’s my post about what to do about your husband’s midlide affair, I think it may help you:

      Hang in there, I think that he is on the right track, just needs more time.