“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.
I’ll bet that’s what your husband said right before he left you for another woman.
When your spouse says they no longer love you, that doesn’t always mean the love is dead. It may simply mean that his love is covered up by anger, frustration, resentment, or other emotions.
Your marriage doesn’t have to be over, even if he thinks he’s in love with someone else, and even if he has already left.
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The Real Reason Your Husband Left You for Another Woman
The man you married has chosen to leave you for someone else. But that doesn’t mean she is any better than you.
(👉 Read: how to overcome his midlife crisis affair)
Even if she’s 20 years younger than you, even if her hair is bigger and her waistline is smaller. It’s not your fault.
Remember this: Your cheating husband is the one with the character flaw. And if the OW knew that he was married, she also has a (huge) character flaw.
Here are the real reasons your husband has left you:
- Your marriage was struggling prior to the affair. Most marriages have problems, but your husband chose to cheat instead of staying, digging in, and resolving your problems.
- Your husband, like many people, chose to avoid dealing with the problems. Instead, he tried to put out a small fire in the stove with a stick of dynamite.
When he started cheating, he entered into a fantasy world in which everything is heavenly.
He found a woman who adores him (mainly because she doesn’t know him at all), who doesn’t complain about anything, and who gives him a chance to “fall in love” again.
Is there a long-term marriage that can compete with that?
It feels so good that it’s literally addicting.
And that’s why he decided to leave the real world and go to his fantasy land.
Will it Last?
To justify his “feelings”, he may even start to rewrite history. He’ll say things like “I never really loved you,” “We’ve never had great sex,” “I married you out of a sense of obligation, and more heart-breaking statements.
But I can almost guarantee that he is not actually in love with her. He’s in love with the addiction. The excitement. The “new” sex.
He won’t admit it, because he is probably not aware of it. But it’s true, even if he claims this woman is his “soul mate,” they were “meant to be”, they have “so much in common” blah, blah.
👉 Read: How to save your marriage during separation
Do Husbands Come Back After Leaving for Another Woman?
Can you win your husband back from the other woman?
I know that it feels like he has all the power right now. HE decided to have an affair. He decided to choose someone else over you. He decided to leave.
But believe it or not, you have the power to make him regret it. You have the power to make him crawl back on his knees and beg for your forgiveness.
He left you but you still love him. That’s why you’re here, right?
The Steps You Need to Take Are:
1. Skip the Begging
No matter what you’ve said up until now, contact him and tell him that you feel that your separation was the right thing to do. Tell him that you understand why he left and that you’ve had serious problems that weren’t addressed.
Do not tell him that you love him.
This will do 2 things: First, it will shock the hell out of him. He expects a huge blowout, he expects to fight with you, and he expects drama.
And when the drama doesn’t come, it will force him to really deal with his actions. To think twice about what he did and whether he did the right thing.
Nothing is there to distract him from evaluating his actions.
The second thing this achieves is his admiring of your strength and understating that you admit your marriage has unresolved problems.
For you, this step brings the power back to you. Now it’s not only his decision. It’s yours as well.
2. Skip the Promises
Calling him, texting him, and trying to convince him that you’ll change is a huge mistake. This smells like desperation and desperation is not appealing or attractive.
Your husband needs to know that you don’t think that this crisis is your fault. He should know that you are aware of your needs and your principles.
Telling him you’ll change will give him more power. And it only proves to him that he made the right decision.
3. Skip the Guilt
I know it goes against your instincts, but don’t make him feel guilty about tearing up the family.
You want him back, but you don’t want him to come back only through guilt, right? Also, this will only make him defensive and pull him further away from you.
4. Don’t Confront Her
Contacting the other woman, either to yell and blame her for everything or just to ask her about details of their affair is NOT going to make him end it.
On the contrary.
Doing this will only strengthen their bond. They’ll have one more thing in common – complaining about you.
Avoid this common mistake.
👉 Here’s my full post about confronting the other woman)
The Next Crucial Steps
Once you’ve prevented or fixed the above mistakes, it’s time to take the next steps to get your husband back and make things change for the first time in your marriage.
These steps have to be taken immediately. You have to strike while the iron is hot. If you wait until he starts a divorce process, it may be too late.
First, you’ll have to heal from the pain and trauma, and then learn how to fall in love with each other again.
You can do it, even if he left for another woman.
In my opinion, everything you need to do and say is in this free marriage help (and marriage assessment).
It will show you how to handle your pain, how to prevent destructive behaviors, how to make him end his affair, and how to rebuild the love.
Remember: If you were once in love, you can fall in love again.
Rooting for ya,
Lisa
On November 24th 2022 my husband came home and told me he had told a girl he works with that he loves her – he left me 2 days later. He had known her for 3 months, he’s 57 and she is 26. He led me to believe he was going away to think about things but having seen text messages I can see he had no intention on coming back to me. He told me he still loves me and always will, but that he is in love with her and wants to be with her. Our daughters (aged 32 & 33) got involved, one of them contacted the girl to try and make her realise she was making a huge mistake and I also wrote a letter to her telling her about mine and my husband’s wonderful 34 year relationship and tried to make her think about what she was doing – it threw them closer together. My daughter also contacted her mum which made matters worse. It’s too long winded to go into all of the details, it has been quite messy but has started to settle down. I have just been putting on a brave face, going out, keeping busy, trying to look after myself. The thing is I still love him, I still think about him most of the time and wish we could work things out. He is still in a relationship with her but she hasn’t moved in with him. It’s now 5 months since we’ve been separated. Has anyone got any advice? Do you think that our marriage is over?
this is all new for me. my husband of 12 years just informed me 2 weeks ago that he has been having an affair for a couple of months with a coworker. it’s so messed up, we just moved into our dream home 8 months ago with down payment money from the sale of the house i bought before we got together. i also lost my job last month for a company i worked for for 14 years, working my way up to a management position 7 years ago. he wants out of the marriage, he claims he loves her. i made all of the wrong efforts when i first found out and allowed him to convince me that it was my fault. I begged him to stay as i still love him and right now with no job and no significant savings i don’t know what my next step is. i have a grown son from a previous marriage who lives in an apartment on the property and an 11-year-old daughter who was diagnosed last year with ulcerative colitis and requires treatments every 6 weeks, we have no equity in the house but he wants to stay and for me to leave so he can move the other woman and her child in. i am so ashamed that my marriage has become a cliche and I feel like i don’t have options. i loved our life together but he can’t remember any of the good times just the conflicts. he said everything was a battle. he is a spender, i am a worrier. he liked to joke around but it was many times at my expense so i can’t have fun. i don’t know what my next move should be. i have no secondary education and am considering going back to school but i don’t see how i can afford it. the job market is wide open but nobody wants to pay me half of what i used to make.
I have been with my husband for almost 18 years and married for almost 16 and we have twin daughters who are 11 daughters – we’ve certainly had issues in the past, I mean what marriage doesn’t. However, this year due to the pandemic I thought we were actually growing closer! We were having sex more often and also during various times throughout the day whereas before it was always routine at night when going to bed. I’ll admit though we were probably having sex every 2 weeks or so but never longer than 3-4 weeks before getting intimate. Also even though we weren’t having sex as often as when we first started dating or married we flirted with each other daily and always made sure to go to bed together at night!
January was a rough month for us, my husband lost his father and then 2 weeks later he was passed up for a promotion that he had been working towards since October. So needless to say February was a struggle as we tried to adjust to not having his father in our lives anymore and just trying to move forward… Now fast forward to March 6th – my husband came home after work and told me he loves me and always will but that he’s struggling with work and his father’s loss and needs time to heal and figure out what he needs in his life to be happy again. I asked if there were another woman but he completely denied it. He left the home that night to stay with a friend and within 2 weeks signed a lease for an apartment. My husband and I have always been affectionate towards one another so having him be cold and distant are so hard and hurtful but I decided to give him the space he felt he needed. It’s only been a few weeks but during that time I was seeing red flags that there is another woman in his life and seeing that he won’t admit it I decided to snoop and found messages on his Facebook to prove that he is seeing someone else!
I love my husband with everything I have and I desperately want my family back together & under one roof – does anyone out there think this is at all possible?
I went through this same ordeal, yes you can get your husband back. Dress to impress, let him know that you are going out. Start living your life, do not beg him to come back. Act indifferent, he will see that thw grass is not greener on the other side.
Where are you now in your marriage as this sounds like my hubby has been together 25 years very happy and most ever-faithful loving husband? Then 6 weeks ago I found out he had been texting another woman..he then told me it had stopped but said he needs to move out to clear his head. He is now renting a flat and says that she’s not in the picture she’s not interested anymore but I don’t know if he’s just playing mind games with me and he’s still interested in her..I want him back but he said he needs to be on his own. I just want to know if they are seeing each other and am I wasting my time, I know who she is and she’s much younger than him I can’t see it ever working, I feel like confronting her but not sure whether to. It hurts so much what he’s done but I love him so much and can’t imagine being without him. He just keeps saying give me time. He recently lost someone close to him and says he’s still grieving and his head messed up.. I don’t know what to do..
My husband of 11 years lost a very close friend and went to his home town for a week to mourn with friends. While he was there he called me on Saturday morning and said he was leaving me because he’s not happy. 5 days later he tells me he’s talking/dating a girl from his hometown and he really likes where it’s going and think she will be around for awhile. He is back in his hometown this weekend for the funeral of his friend and he is staying at the other woman’s home instead of his families. Does this seem like I’ll ever be able to get him back? I’m just crushed that he is staying with that woman in her home and I loose sleep just thinking about it. I feel like this all happened so fast.
Sincerely i was so crushed when my Husband of 16 years left me and moved to New Britain CT. to be with another woman . The pains was just too much for me to bear that I couldn’t just bear it anymore. So i had to reached out to the Internet for help until i found out that A witch Lady helping people to fix their relationships was the only option I haven’t tried.. I had tried the whole lot I knew just to get my husband back to our marriage at least for our kids sake, This witch did all the work for me, my Ex Husband came back to me and he was remorseful, crying all over my legs begging for the whole drama he has done. Right now my life is balanced and i am happy again. the witch priestess is doing a great service to people, and I don’t think many people had known about this witch and her powers.
Laura
Who did you use? Please help.
I am 24 and my husband is 27. We have been dating for 3 years. I have a tendency to yell and criticize him on occassion. But I love him so much and I lived everyday showing him the depth of that live despite my shortcomings. About 2 months ago he came clean about his affair. At the time it had been going on for about a month or so. He then separated from me and began living with some other woman. He says he still loves me and just needs time to make things right. I am currently raising our 4-month old daughter and intent on working on myself through this separation. Is there hope of me getting him back?
How did it go? I’m curious. I’m going through something similar myself
Lisa,
I did it, I texted him this: I feel that our separation was the right thing to do. I understand why you left and that our marriage has serious unresolved problems. Problems that weren’t addressed.
He texted me back saying: Uh Ok.
So I dont know if that it’s a good responce. He’s a very stubborn man. So I’m wondering if all of this efford will work with him.
Give it a little time, it’s sinking it. It probably quite shocked, didn’t see it coming. Have you heard from him again since?
Hi Lisa,
Well, he comes every weekend so I can go to work and he stays here usually on saturday night. I have to see him a lot because he comes to see the kids for a bit during the keed too, but we don’t really talk. He doesn’t talk to me unless he has some drinks.
He doesn’t look happy but I know that he is still with her cause I can see her apartment’s keys on his key chang. Thant kills me 🙁
He always look like he is mad. Maybe he acts happy with her but not around me or the kids.
On Saturday, my phone was in my room charging and my friends were texting me when I was in the kitchen and I cough him checking my phone cause someone was texting me but I pretended that I didn’t see him. He acts jelous from time to time and I don’t know why if he told me that I should see people too. Also on that night when he was drunk he talked to me about how pretty and great I look and he asked me if I was ok. I acted casually and I pretended that didn’t bother me but later he told me that since we didn’t have much sex anymore before our separation, he always use to feel like I was a masterpiece that he couldn’t touch and that that made everything worse.
He didnt’ go to her that night and I went to bed cause I had to work next day.
I don’t know how to interpretate his mix signals, specially because he only talks to me like that when he is drunk.
Any thoughs?
I think that he seems mad around you because he is mad at himself. And I think that the truth comes out of him when he drinks. With time, he will tell you everything that he feels and if you answer him honestly, and take responsibility for your side of the issues you had, you will see progress and a change. But this requires patience. I think it’s very clear he loves you.
My husband and I have been together for 28 years and married for 23 years I just found out 6 months ago that he has been cheating on me for 6 years I love him with all my heart I really want him back he is working on our house so I can go back home by myself he is staying at the other woman’s house down the road he goes by there everyday and checks on the house and now my cats that I had to take back home we talk sometimes but he does not want to talk face to face with me yet I have tried he’s said at the beginning when he left that there would never be me and him again is that true how can I get him back we have been separated for 6 months now
My husband of 7 years, together for 10 has left me for a woman 10 years older and 80 lbs heavier than me. Not that that matters, but it’s kind of the opposite of what I thought would happen. We have had problems with communication and I have anxiety and depression which I have been working on with medication and counseling. 4 years ago he left me telling me that he was not in love anymore. I moved out with our then 2 year old and he filed for divorce while talking to this woman. He came back to me after 9 months and a week before we had to go to court for our divorce. He stopped talking to this woman and we were spending time together. A year later I found out I was pregnant. I got worried because I had postpartum depression and anxiety with our first but he assured me everything would be okay. I talked to him about my fears and when I was feeling depressed and he always said everything was fine. 3 months ago I finally asked him what had happened with the other woman and he told me they kissed and it was a mistake and that they were only friends. I was hurt and had a hard time getting over it but he said he loved me and that we were fine. Then a month later after our daughter turned 1 he told me he wasnt in love any more. That he fealt numb and he left to stay with friends. I asked if there was someone else and he repeatedly said no. I went to the dr and got on to medication and counseling to help myself and he said he was going to go to counseling. 2 weeks later and 1 session for him he filed for divorce. He said this is just what he has to do right now. Then he started crying more a couple weeks ago and getting more anxious. He started talking to me more and then he broke down telling me that he had feelings for her and that hes tried to ignore them for years that he feels like shit and how he wants to end it. I talked him through it and said I knew and talked him through it and talked him into going to the hospital. It’s been a week and hes been on medication for his anxiety and says hes feeling a lot better. I think he felt better after getting the guilt off his chest. I’m not doing okay though and want my husband back. He said I love him for him and it’s just not fair. I cant help that though. I just need help on what to do.
I want to add that we have been together since i was 18 and him going on 20. We knew eachother since high school. Hes known this woman since he was little and grew up with her family. I have asked just for a separation but he says he feels like this is what he has to do right now and who knows what will happen in the future.
Im numb… my husband of 16 yrs met a woman at a seminar while away in another country, after 4 days of knowing her.. he asked me for a divorce… moved out to a beautiful high rise apt an hour away from our home…took off his wedding ring, covered a tatto he had with my name…changed his Facebook status to separated… its like he was trying to erase me….btw he didn’t tell me about her.. i found out ….what i know: he took her to a business trip n prsented her as his wife.. he took her to our abroad offices and told employees she is his fiancée, then brought her to our city , to see what to be “their” new place… then he flew with her to NYC to spend his older daughter (from his first marriage) bday and introduced this woman to her… he has also spoken of her to everyone in his family…at this moment im away with our son , on what was to be our family vacation… since he met her… he chose to ditch our son and i , and instead left with her to Europe to meet her family….this is a 46 yr old woman.. never married, no kids… my husband is bipolar , with underlying narcissistic personality and is off the meds right now…he doesn’t take lithium, only takes moods stabilizers…. I found out while he was on a trip with her… i called him, told him i knew… he hung up on me, i tried to speak to him for the next 24 hours… i did text him and her … no threats nothing of the sort , just telling her she was walking a marriage, and that until she appeared we had not talked divorce…it’s been a week and im raw with emotions… the Monday after I found out i went to my lawyer and counter the divorce and we have now cited adultery… 24 hours after I found out.. i went no contact with him … i have blocked every option of contact, including social media…i only know he is still in Europe and we have our first court appearance in April 24… ive ben told by my therapist he will crash from this manic state, and that this “love” for this woman is not real… he has told her exactly what he told me when we met… im heartbroken, scared, not sure what I truly feel… part of me wants my husband desperately back ,other part wants to run as fast as i can from him… our son is almost 13 …snd he has refused to answerhis father text or calls… i have asked him to talk to his dad, but he flat out refuses….so much turmoil…do you think i can get him back if I decide to? He seems so resolved to make a life with this woman…can he just erase 16 yrs of a life together?? We were highly compatible, inlove… we r the poster picture of a family that had it all..and yet here i am.. looking to strangers for answers and hope…
I agree with your therapist, this is way too impulsive to be “real”. He is not trying to erase you, I think he is not even thinking about anything he does right now. He is in a “state”, and you may want to remember that. I would have a good, honest talk with my son and explain this to him, that this is just a phase he is going through and his father will be back soon.
I would not fight his decision at this point, because this only gives him more fuel to keep at it. I know it’s extremely hard, but I would let him play this out, until he wakes up one morning and feels like all of this was a dream. I believe that it’s going to happen. Try to relax.
Omg I’m soooo sorry and am going through the same thing right now. What has transpired since you wrote this? My husband has similar behavioral health issues and has also stopped taking his meds and is seeing another woman… I’m sooooo heartbroken…
Let me add that after I called her he freaked and moved back to her house. He did not take much of anything (clothes, etc) this time but has been there for a week. I know I only helped them to strengthen their bond by having me as a common enemy…she told him she couldn’t believe he’d lay down with me, the “enemy”. He reaches out to me often, almost daily and even wants to have a Thanksgiving with me a day early so I’m not alone. What to do now? We’ve lived and been together for 9 years, I’m still in our home. He is 49, I am 40. Thanks,
Danielle
My husband left me and my 2 kids for a woman that he is now “happy” with. The OW knew he was married but moved in on him anyway. She is the ultimate home wrecker. She has 2 small kids and she moved him in. Does she have no consideration for her kids?! What an idiot. She is recently divorced, only 3 months. In the first few weeks, I begged him to stay. I have since stopped and I am trying to work through the depression with a therapist. I am polite and courteous when he comes to see the kids. I am also making myself more attractive, physically and emotionally. I ask him to work around the house for me and compliment him for it. I do want him back and he claims he is not sure what to do. He knows what the right decision is but is so wrapped up in his fantasy world, he doesn’t even think about it. It’s been about 2 months and it drives me crazy that I don’t know what is going to happen. Any idea how long affairs like this go on? They are both a total rebound for each other.
I think that since you don’t know what is going to happen (non of us do, about anything…) – why don’t you try to focus on the possibility that what you want will happen? Wouldn’t that feel better? It will help you hang on while this is going on, and help you stay friendly with him, which will help him be reminded of the real you and what he is missing.
Just my 2 cents and good luck!
Hi April,
I realise it’s been years since you’ve written this post but I was wondering how things went with you & your husband because
everything you wrote is happening to me now.
My husband of 14 years has left me for another woman. An old co-worker of his from years back. She too knew he was married with kids though continued to message my husband knowing it was behind my back.
It is my understanding that she too seperated from her partner with whom she shares two small children with a few months back due to him being unfaithful to her but tells my husband she has always had feelings for him which have never gone away. I honestly don’t get how the hell she could feel right breaking up our family when she knows what it’s like to be cheated on herself. I hate her & think she is an awful person with absolutely no morals.
Now, I know my husband is not innocent in this & has often been quite awful towards me since telling me about her but I still love him & want him back. Its been three months and i’m still struggling with the feelings of grief, hurt & depression and I still beg for him to choose me & our family.
My situations slightly more complicated though as my husband is still living with us & has continued to be intimate with me whilst supposedly being in a relationship with her. I know I should be stronger & respect my self more but I truly love him & it’s hard to say no when all I want to do is kiss him & be held by him. And I guess I’ve been hoping he’ll realise what he’s giving up & choose to stay with me.
Though to be truthful, as time goes on i am starting to feel used & am considering putting a stop to it if he’s really not going to pick me.
Like you he’s admitted he finds his decision hard because he does still have feelings for me, is attracted to me & will always love me but he claims to now love her & wants to pursue things with her, eventually wanting to move in with her. He’s so focused on his feelings for her he’s not thinking of anything or anyone else.
He’s changed as a person & is acting so different to who I built this life with.
I too am left feeling crazy not knowing what to do to stop it or how things will turn out. I hope their relationship doesn’t last & want my husband back.
I guess I’d like to know if & when your husbands affair ended & did he come back to you? And how did you handle everything?
Hi My husband said the exact things to me
I’m In love with another woman never felt this way in my life!! Ouch how can you women want these men back… I would never in mylife be with such a selfish Man. Yes our marriage was work we have to beautiful kids together… And yes he is in lala land right now and guess what he can stay there!!! I’m not mad anymore I’ve cried to many days for a man who choose another woman other then his family.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years.we had a troubled marriage.my father had another wife and after my marriage i constantly doubted on my husband who loved me very much.after ten years he started getting close to other women.in fact even if he spoke with other women i used to doubt on him.he got fed up with my doubting.he used to lie to me and skip office go out with friends and never told me the truth and thats why i doubted him more.he used to get angry very often.then after ten years he found some woman whom he thinks his soulmate as they communicate a lot she texts him all the time and he thinks he shares a good bond with her.she is in his office.later he started avoiding coming home.he started sleeping with her though he dint admit it.i read all his texts.now she is not ready to leave him.home to us.we have a kid of 10 years.he is very attached to him.he comes home sometimes for his kid.he used to have sex with me but now he doesnt want to even touch me.she blamed him that he ruined her life and he constantly runs behind her.convinces her like anything.she took an expensive bike for him and a phone and all expensive clothes.we also have been struggling with finances all these years.dint have money to buy things for us.he thinks i never understood him.also he had loved me always.he told me he wont be able to leave her and he doesnt want to.leave me and my child too.she now demands him to not visit us ever.she fights with him if he comess home.he secretly comes home for us.if she finds out she fights.then he is at home for few days till they reconcile and again goes back to her as she forgives him.
My husband had an affair with one of my closest friends in January this year. The weeks following that time were horrific – he went away for a week. When he came back I was the one begging him to stay. We eventually agreed to work things out and I believe he was genuinely excited about us doing that. We got a new flat, talked about spending more time together, even about what we needed to do to improve our sex life! Unfortunately we I think rely too much on alcohol and things unravelled when I felt he wasn’t telling me the truth about what happened and really struggled with my self esteem and getting past what my friend had done. Two weeks ago I found his secret email. They’d started the affair again. I don’t know how long it’s been happening. He’s moved out. Won’t spbe am to me unless it’s to tell me it’s over and it’s my fault. Then he’ll say sorry. Then get pushy about getting all his stuff back… even suggested a book he thought I might like! Anyway, he’s been living with her the last two weeks and is going to his parents place tomorrow (they live about 12 hours drive away). I’ve made all the mistakes – begged, called and left bawling messages. But am now sticking to no contact. I want to send him the message suggested here but am scared he’ll take it and run with it and never have to face what he’s done. We’ve known each over 20 years, been together for 14 of those and only got married 18 months ago.
So, I did it. I texted him, that the separation was the right decision, and that I understand why he left.
I hope that was okay, because now it feels counter intuitive, as we never had a fight. He just left for her…
I definitely think you did the right thing. It has nothing to do with fighting, it’s about validating him and accepting him the way he is, so it takes the pressure off him. This way he can think what he really wants to do and whether he made the right decision.
Hi Lilly,
Did you text work? Did he came back to you?
Hey Lisa,
do you think your steps could work, even if he already moved in with her?
It’s been 3 months since he left me and I think he has no regrets so far…
I think that yes, even if he moved in with her. Nothing to lose by trying right?
Hey Lisa,
my husband (37) left me (34) 8 weeks ago out of the blue after 13 years of relationship (3 years married), because “his feelings aren’t not enough for a marriage anymore”.
We had all those years a very harmonic relationship and were just in the middle of planning kids and buying a house. 3 weeks before he left he told me, that he loves me more than anything in the world.
I did not beg him to stay, but I told him that I would do anything to save our marriage. He did not want to, so I moved to my parents house to give him some space.
Today he finally admitted that he is having an affair with his assistant. She left her husband by the same time he left me, took her 2 year old child and now they are looking for an appartment together. He wants a divorce as soon as possible.
Please give me some advice. I am so devastated. I am going to meet him next week and have no idea what to say. Please help me!
Thank you!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know you won’t like this, but this is obviously a situation that you have no control over. There’s no choice but letting it be for now. You never know what happens tomorrow or the next month.
I believe that he does love you like he said. I would concentrate on myself now and making me feel happy again, no matter if he is in your life or not.
Thank you so much for your fast reply!
I am going to meet him in 5 days. Any suggestions what I could say to him?
Thank you so much for your help!
my husband and I have been together for 18 years now and We were married July 16th 2011, he is my heart and souls I would die for him. I started noticing changes in his appearance last year but never questioned it. We went to look at new vehicles and my son was with us anyway my son wanted to know the time so he grabbed his dad’s phone and clicked on it and noticed this girls name with a bunch of hearts and kissing faces as soon as he turned on the phone, my husband instantly grabbed it looked at me in fear kinda and put it away. We were having intimacy problems a few years ago I thought it was me but 4 years ago he was diagnosed with MS (optical Neuritis), anyway he walked out on us Feb 25 this year and it’s been hell since. He won’t answer my txts he won’t answer his phone he never comes over anymore. He stopped by yesterday and I asked him if he has thought about separation or divorce he said divorce has crossed his mind but didn’t give me an answer. My son is depressed and upset I cry all the time, I do not know what to do I want him back I love him so much
Everything was seem to be fine but i went to china for 4 months cuz of lost of my sister ,then came back to my husband wanna leave me cuz he is in love with another lady ,we have been married 7 years coming up 8 ,with 2 years of dating so it is about 10 years total ,my husband used to be all over me and so care about me and very loving husband ,last few years we fought alot cuz of the money situation ,so he said that i pushed him further ,and i did begged him please dont leave me ,but he is all gone ,he wont listens a word that i say and wont repy my text or answer my calls ,and i know he is getting all the dirvoce paper together ,i dont know what to do anymore
My husband and I dated 3 years and have been married for a year.
My husband is a physician that went into private practice 1 1/2 years ago. His practice has boomed and he has beautiful medical reps propositioning him daily. He is so full of himself and has treated me disrespectfully and looking for any and everything to fight over.
I have begged and pleaded, but I have gotten no where. He goes to lunches and dinners with these woman.
I’m not a fighter, but tonight after an argument he locked the bedroom door abc I beat the door down with s broom. He wants out and I love him. How can I get him to love me again?
Michelle
O.k, so I see that you understand that he wants out.
Maybe you’re right – he wants out because his ego has taken over him. The reason though doesn’t matter.
As hard as this may be to realize, no one can keep someone who really wants to go.
That’s why begging and pleading never work (actually they make him run faster).
There are no tricks and manipulations that will work in the long run, becasue he really wants to go.
But this doesn’t mean that he won’t come back.
Sometimes people go and come back because they had a chance, from afar, to appreciate what they had.
I’m not saying that if you let him go it’s guaranteed that he comes back, but the chances are greater if you do – And do it in a calm, relaxed and friendly manner.
The more you fight against it, the further you’ll push him away.
Just becaushe he wants to leave does not mean that he doesn’t love you!
It just means that he wants to separate, for now.
Get your self esteem off the floor, lift your head and remember who you are and your worth. Then let him go and let yourself go – Surrender and you will feel the amazing relief and freedom.
Everything happens for the best. Only good things will come when we don’t fight and let go. Let everyone be free and do what they want. You can’t see it now – But a better life awaits you when you just let go and trust your life process.
Everything will be o.k. There’s nothing to fear.
My husband had had very little to do with me. He hates coming home.?he had beautiful medical reps in his office daily phoning all over him. My husband’s co-worker is a 30 year old opportunist and is after my husband. At a dinner for his staff I had to much to drink and confronted her in front of everyone. I regret that move and I’m in big trouble. In the guest bedroom. We have we fighting for months and it’s evident his feelings have changed. I don’t work, have no car I’m driving a car through hisnogfive). He supports me. I don’t know what to do.
Ty and I had a little girl and went through a custody battle. We started talking more and more and hanging out and such and ended up getting married when she was 15 months old. We were happy for the first 7-8months then we started hanging out with a certain couple friend of his. (We tried for and conceived our second baby in month 8) Then we started fighting more and more and he slept on the couch for 3 months and told me he wanted a divorce.. a few weeks later we reconciled around our 1 year anniversary and I thought we were good till month 14… then he started being distant again.. and at that point he tried to kick me out of our home (remember I’m pregnant) and said he didn’t love me and only married me for our daughter and then left and we were separated for about 3 weeks (during that time his friend came to me saying his wife and my husband have been having an affair for months now and she was ending it with him) about month 15 he messaged saying he’d “try” again and we were good for 3 weeks and then he started being distant again and then 2 weeks ago he went to a wedding receiption and met someone and then this past weekend we drove two states over to see her and has hid everything in the past two weeks and wants a divorce once our little boy gets here (which is at the end of October)
I’ve loved him through all this and he told me he only loves me as his children’s mother. I just want the truth from him, no more lies and such. But ive been praying so hard since February and small miracles have happened for sure and I know God is helping but I’m not sure what to do at this point now.. someone please help!
My husband of almost 9 years has affair with other woman and the other woman is currently pregnant. He told me that the pregnancy was not planned and he was only told that she’s pregnant when its too late to abort, so now he decided to support her. Saying that, i did all the begging, confronted other woman and said nasty thing to her, hence my husband and other woman thinks i am evil. He still living with me but calls her every day. Plus if he doesnt call, other woman will make some excuse saying something urgent that he ended up calling (other woman living abroad). He told me our marriage is over and he loves the other woman. But he is not planning to marry her as my husband said he no longer believes in marriage nor living together to keep love alive. He only lives with me to deal with spliting our asset, once its done he said he will be out of the way. With this kind of situation, is there any hope to save my marriage or i am just dreaming.
Mary,
I think there’s always a chance to save your marriage. The only question is do you really want to save a marriage that suffers like this?
If you look deep down and listen to your inner voice, while remembering that you love yourself, is this really what you want?
And why?
Isn’t there something better for you out there?
I think there is.
But these questions have be asked. And the reason to stay with him can’t be fear. Any fear – Financial or otherwise. Because fear is the opposite of love.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.
Thank you very much for answering to my comment. I value your opinion greatly and i am taking it into consideration. My head said that i cannot deal with him being intimate with someone else and also with the baby, making it even worse, yet my heart yearning for his love.
I discovered my husband’s affair about three weeks ago. At first he tried to deny it, then said he had a “special affection” for the other woman. I confronted her and she made it clear she had no intention of stepping back. Hubby and I talked a long time that day, and he halfway committed to working with me to save our marriage, then I discovered a facebook message from her that sent me over the edge. I drained all our bank accounts and told him he could not live with me and be having an affair with her. He packed 3 suitcases with everything he could, left, and went directly to move in with her that day. He has been avoiding me, but did talk with me a couple times when I cornered him at work or at her apartment. A few days ago, I was leaving him a book about recovering from affairs in his truck when I found a receipt for condoms. Up until now, he had been telling everyone, including me, that she was just a source of shelter, a good friend, and that he was sleeping on the couch. When I confronted him, he said he had slept in her bed with her, but they had not had sex, he just bought the condoms in the event that they did. He blamed me for pushing him out and into her bed. This has been a nightmare, and I have done tons of begging and pleading, to which he has sometimes been very cold, then other times seemed as if he would work with me. Just a few days before the condoms were discovered, he had met with me and said he would meet with me once a week for a month to talk about us, but he said that at this point his mind is set on divorce. I have since filed for divorce simply because I need to get the spousal support and I’m trying to send him a signal that it isnot okay for him to be living with and sleeping with another woman. He knows I don’t want a divorce. I don’t know what to do from here. I want him to come back so desperately, I love him so much and never even realized he was unhappy.
Been with my husband for over 9 years (married for almost 6) recently in February I found out he had a girlfriend ,since October. We have 2 kids together 5 & 2. He’s moved in with this woman (about 2months ago) who is 6 years older than him and has 3 kids. The eldest being 17 and youngest 10. He says he still loves me and is still in love with me but loves her too. He calls me everyday on his free time. But he has to sneak because he doesn’t want the other woman to know. He told her we only talk when it’s about the kids but we are always on the phone and always texting. He left me with no job, no car or money. He says he needs time but also wants his family. He will leave work to come see me and we are still having sex. He says im his bestfriend and always will be. I’m just confused, he said he isn’t going to divorce me. He knows I would like for him to come home & fix our marriage . I’ve also acknowledged my part in our marriage failing. I’m really lost as to what to do right now. I know there is a chance that, maybe even a small one, that he will decide to come back to the marriage. It’s just hard knowing how long it will take. I know he knows I love him and will wait, so I think that has something to do with him taking his time. He says he needs time to work on himself. But I don’t get how he can work on himself living with his mistress. He tells me often that there is a reason why we are still communicating like we do. I’m starting to feel like there is no hope
Lia,
In my humble opinion, if you want to have even a small chance of him coming back home, you have to stop having sex with him (most importantly) and stop being available to him whenever he wants to talk or text.
Right now he is eating the cake and having it too, the ultimate fantasy, and there’s nothing to stop him from doing this for years. She doesn’t know (otherwise she’ll kick him out, I’m sure) and you allow him anything he wants.
He must make a decision, and until he does, don’t let him keep having the cake and eating it too.
He also can not know that you’ll wait for him until forever, otherwise, why come back?
I think that deep down you already know this and that’s why you’ve told me your story.
I hope this helps and good luck!
Thanks, I really appreciate ur opinion. I’ve stopped talking to him whenever he feels the need to talk and he’s definitely noticed. We aren’t having sex anymore and he noticed that too lol my pretty much working on myself and giving my kids as much love as possible. I’ve come to the point where I’m ok with whatever direction we go in. I still love him and would like him to come home but I’m not waiting on him.
Hi,
About 2 months ago my husband told me he didnt want to be with me anymore. He still lived with me until 1 week ago as i told him to move out. He is now staying at his grandmas.
My husbands reason behind this was that he didnt love me anymore and there was no feelings for me anymore. I was/still am devistated. Up until he moved out we were still sleeping together and he had continued to say he wasnt sure about us. Never giving me a definate yes or no. He was always changing his mind about everything all the time.
However about 4 weeks ago he met another women and has since been sleeping with her (for 3 of those weeks we were sleeping together too)
2 weeks ago we had a massive fight. All our fights lately have been about this other women. Which is just pushing him away!
But the next day we both called up sick to work, we had sex all morning. He was cuddling me, kissing me and told me straight to my face that he didnt want to loose me and he was scared to loose me. And although he didnt have any feelings he wanted for us to be together. I was over the moon. He told me he had messaged this other girl to stop messaging him and that he deleted her number.
The next day he came home and said he couldnt do it!
He has been on/off like this the whole time!
Every time i have packed my stuff and have gone to leave he has convinced me to stay. Up until he actually did leave, he kept saying he was gunna leave but never did until now.
Now i know he is either still seeing her or someone new as i checked his emails and saw an email for a weekend away for 2. He forward the email to a girls email. I have copied her email down and am looking at emailing her telling her the truth about everything as i know my husband has been lieing to her with what exactly has been happening between us, which i was then hoping she would then leave him. He doesnt know i checked his email and i made a new account so he wouldnt know its me.
Also he has been heavily gambling these past few months. I mean every night until the pub closes. Heavily drinking too. He told me that they would both stop after he moved out but he has still been there every night since he left.
My belief is that he has depression which is associated with his gambling and drinking problems and as he told me his drinking and gambling would stop after he moved out but still hasnt has made me believe again that there was nothing wrong with our marriage, he was just using that as an excuse. That infact we don’t have any marriage problems and he wasnt unhappy with me but was unhappy with himself points in the direction of depression.
My biggest fear is he will spend all his savings on gambling and hit rock bottom as he would have lost everything when that happens. He would have lost me, his marriage, all his money, his house and hopefully this other girl!
All the signs of depression are there but he doesnt see it!
I also know there was no problems at all in our marriage and believe that he has only pushed me and our marriage away as a result to his depression also.
I know once he gets better, his gambling and drinking will stop and im hoping he will then want to come home and work on our marriage.
Without him having to hit rock bottom and before this lasts too much longer as im scared he will definitely not come back to me. How do i convince him there is something wrong? All attempts so far have not worked.
People have said that he has got to see he has a problem and want to help himself first but i dont believe that at all.
He is my husband, i love and care for him deeply and it kills me to know im not there to be able to support him through this!
I have spoken to his family they seem to agree with me at the time but when they speak to my husband he denies it all and they agree and believe him. So i now kno we its upto md and my dad (who sees what i see) to help him
I just want my old husband back. This is not him but he doesnt see it!
Any other advice about my whole situation is appreciated
Sam
Sam,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Very difficult and heart breaking situation.
I’ll quote something from your comment:
“People have said that he has got to see he has a problem and want to help himself first but i dont believe that at all.”
Actually I say the same as these people. You can’t help someone who is not ready (yet) to help himself.
Your husband knows he has big problems, even if he denies them to everyone. He is just not ready to face them and deal with them.
I agree with you that he is depressed. It could be that he needs to get even lower before he pulls himself together and does something about it. He obviously needs therapy and nothing you do can help, I know it’s really frustrating.
Take this time to heal yourself from what you’ve been through, and try to be patient and pray that he finds the courage to help himself.
If you stop trying to convince him to help himself, or leave the other women, he will get to that point by himself.
I hope this helps and hang in there. Most of the time, people go lower and lower before they can evolve. This mat be the case with your husband. Believe it with all your heart and create your reality.
Best,
Lisa
Thanks Lisa,
He got the rest of his stuff over the weekend.
I am now spending this time for myself.
I have told myself to not contact him and hopefully he will contact me 1st with something. Like he did last night, rang me for a quick couple of minutes to tell me something.
Over the weekend i did get out of him that he has thought about me and our house since he has been gone, he said he misses our house but doesnt yet know if he misses me!
But i guess at least he has thought about me!
I deep down inside know he has to hit rock bottom for him to see he has a problem but im just scared that if it takes him a while to hit rock bottom, that by the time he does, his feelings and love for me with completely be gone as will mine for him!
I know these things do happen but i just dont want to loose my husband, our marriage and everything we have worked so hard for to all dissappear cos of his mental illness.
He told me over the weekend he is not with anyone! (I came straight out and asked him) To me meaning technically he hasnt got a new partner but is seeing someone. He looked me straight in the eyes and swore on my life he wasnt with anyone. I know she is just a rebound but i just dont want him to fall for her and move on cos of his mental illness (that he doesnt see)
He also told me everyone else besides me have told him he looks much happier now then he has been. I believe he is acting like a different person around everyone else.
I believe i know my husband better then everyone else. We have been together 8.5 years, lived together the whole time. I know him and i know he is putting on a game and being a different person around everyone else, only so they dont get concerned he actually has a problem.
Such a tough situation and its not one i saw happening to me
If your bank accounts are joint take the rest of the money out NOW.
And go see a lawyer right away regarding your rights in this situation.
Do not let him ruin your life while you wait for him to “someday” admit to the problems that he has that everyone but he agrees to.
It’s been two months since he’s left. He’s been living with the other women for a month and a half now. We haven’t talked much unless it has to do with the our son and our newborn daughter that’s now two weeks old. I finally got the courage to tell him that him leaving was the right choice. His reply was asking me if that meant I didn’t hate him anymore. What does this mean? Is it hopeless at this point?
Nothing is ever hopeless!
It seems to me that he is relieved to hear that you accept the separation, and now he can let his guard down and actually get in touch with his feelings again. It’s a very good sign and I think you’ve done great.
Now, just patience. It can take time. Try to be friends, with no demands concerning a relationship.
Trust your life process. Everything will be just as it should.
I hope it’s a good sign. He’s with our three year old son today and his reactions are totally different then they have been. He’s being very short and taking a long time to reply to my messages which are only about our son and daughter who is with me. Does this mean he’s feeling something?
I’m sure he does Jill. You should consider just being patient for the time being.
I need help please – in a long story short, my husband of 21 years left me 4 weeks ago. He said it was because he was unhappy and had been for over 12 months. I didn’t see this coming at all. The same time he told me that he loved another woman and wanted a relationship with her. She is my friend and work colleague. She sits behind me at work and my husband sits 4 desks away. To say I am devastated is an understatement and going into a massive open floored office to work with my husbands new girlfriend is killing me. I see them going for smoke breaks, coffee’s and lunch together. It is so raw I want to curl up and die.
I see them both everyday and see them face book messengering and email each other all the time. I have taken advise from many sites and I go to work with my head held high, make up and look lovely. I want to show him what he is missing but also want to feel a bit better about myself.
My husband has moved out to some friends of ours and has been living there nearly a month now – the affair he is having with my friend has supposedly been going on 2 weeks prior me finding out so 6 weeks in total. Yesterday at work my (ex) friend smirked at me like a cat that had just got the cream and I broke down in floods of tears. I cried for the rest of the day on and off and then all evening. I was devastated thinking she has now won him and he will never want to come home. My manager took me into a room and said “how I had kept my cool was amazing!” she didn’t know how I had stopped myself from hitting her in the face. I must admit I didn’t either! I came home and curled up on my bed and I sobbed until there was nothing else in me. The children who are 19 and 15 were very concerned about me and also the state of my mind at the moment. They texted their Dad to tell him and as he was at his new woman’s house just texted back to say for them to talk to me. I again was gutted that he didm’t care about me enough to come over.
Then a total change this morning as he turned up on the doorstep just before I had to set off for work, wanting to know if I was ok. I told him everything that had gone on the previous day and at how upset I was. We went to work on good terms. This afternoon however someone in the office has complained about her being on the phone and making arrangements about Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with my husband, which was within earshot of me and they didn’t think it was necessary to put me through any more pain and anguish. This resulted in her being taken into the office and then told she would have to work from another location. Needless to say she is completely devastated and in floods of tears crying on my husband. My manager has said the reason for this is because what she is doing is bullying and harassment. When my husband found out about this (obviously from her) he has gone ballistic. He was completely livid and is threatening to take it further with HR and the top managers. I need to know if this will cause more damage now that she is not working in our office or would it have been better for us all if she had stayed? I don’t want this to come between me and my husband if there is any chance of a reconciliation. What do I do now and how do I act with my husband? I am really confused. Please help me!
Dear Paula,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. How awful. It’s quite a unique situation and extremely painful to watch your husband with his new girlfriend at work every day. Really awful.
I think that the fact they are re-locating her is actually a good thing. No matter how mad this makes your husband, deep down he knows it’s the right thing to do and he is fully aware of how this hurts you and how unfair it is.
This storm will blow over.
To have a chance of reconciliation, in my opinion only, you may need to not fight any decision he makes and do everything you can to not show him how upset you are (you WILL show him once he asks to get back with you, of course, but now’s not the right time) and that you think he is making a mistake.
HE has to understand his mistake and inconsiderate behavior on his own. It’s very important.
Take this time to heal yourself, regain your self confidence, change your life and do everything you wanted to do but couldn’t when you were with him. The only focus now is YOU.
Leave him to make his mistakes, get over the initial excitement of a new “crush” after 20 years (and it IS only a crush at this point).
Try to believe that everything happens for a reason, and a good reason. There’s something good waiting at the end of this black tunnel, if you only believe it.
I hope this helps and hang in there, everything will be alright.
Me and my husband been together for 13 years and the last 3 he has been seeing someone else about a year ago I found out and he kick me out for 6 months and he filed for divorce and then he stop it and we got back together and then 2 days before thanksgiving he told me he couldn’t do it anymore with me that he was in love with her .he still tell me he love me but said it only because we have kids together .but still behind her back he still come down and see me and he still kisses me and still want to be able to make love to me and he stay with me sometime he tell her he is stay with a friend so they can talk.so what do I do to get him to leave her and come back to me and does he really love her because if he did why would he be like that with me.I need help
Loraine,
I think that your husband is having the cake and eating it too..he doesn’t want to give up on either of you at this point, and both of you are letting him have his way, so there’s no motivation to choose.
I think the only way to have a chance of getting him back is by not allowing him to be with you – Physically mostly.
You can offer to stay friends, but if he can be intimate with you AND the other woman – Why would he ever choose?
My husband and I have been is a relationship since 2001 we are high school sweet hearts we have a 12 yr old son together. September 27, 2015 he decided he needs space because we have been arguing about his family and our relationship,…we were not communicating right. I finally told him we need help counseling and church,…by then he was mentally checked out and left a week later. He is staying with his mother in a room she offerred him to mo e back home. Since then he started seeing another woman a week after he left they posted “in a relationship” n she changed her profile picture of them. Since then I’ve only seen him 3 times, and a few weeks ago I saw him and he had 3 hickeys…feeling so low missing him…heartbroken. I’ve saw been going to church and counseling every week, I’ve invited him but he refuses.
I don’t want this to be over, I truly love him, since we’ve had this relationship 14 yrs ago, this is our 3rd separation but this one concerns me because we have more to lose….I want no other man to come into our home and replace him. I pray for deliverance and restoration. I hope and pray Eric returns home and leaves that other woman.
Please help me with advice and prays, thank you.
Christina,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s so hard. I believe that separation is actually a good way to (sometimes) save a marriage, id “treated” the right way.
You can see what I mean in my post about how to use marriage separation to save your marriage, here:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
I hope it helps and hang in there, everything will be alright.
I read the post, and I am going to try to follow it, we don’t talk anymore nor text. He is pushing himself away and he very mean to me, its like his own way being angry helps him have no feel towards me.
I text him hello how is he doing…. Still no response…. Hoping he is open his eyes and God will warm him heart, and he will speak to me. But thank you for that link, hanging in there.
Christina,
I feel your pain. I am curious to hear what ever happened with your relationship as I am in a similar situation. This is our third separation too. He claims this is the real deal though and there is no turning back, but the first two were trial separations. He has cheated on me with 3 different women over the course of our 11 year marriage. He blamed me for wanting to leave this time around, and said he no longer loves me and wants to be on his own and there is no other woman in his life. LIES! Just the other day I found out he is still in contact with the last affair partner from last year. What a coincidence that now all of a sudden he wants out. If you do get this message, please tell me how things went for you and how you dealt with the heartache and pain.
About 10 months ago my husband bought a motorcycle and started going out a lot. He would never give me a rude stating that hevdidntvwant to further injure my back, I have severe scoliosis. I can not stand up straight. He knows my appearance affects my self esteem and I don’t go out in public unless I have to. Well, a few weeks ago I got confirmation of my gut feelings, he’s been sleeping with a bartender that he met at one of these bars. He has been pretty much living with her. He only comes home a couple hours in the afternoon to see our 7 year old son, but he comes before our son comes home from school and always starts an argument with me. I love him with my entire being, but I’m hurt. He says he’s not staying at home because all I do is nag at him. I tried telling him that I’m hurt and bitter and it’s gonna take time for me to get over it. He says he wants a divorce and for us to remain friends. I do t want that. I want my marriage and family. Can you give me some insight? Please, anything is appreciated.
April,
I think that from what you’ve told me, your husband is in the middle of the classic midlife crisis affair…is she much younger than him by any chance?
Here’s my post about what to do in this situation, I hope it helps: https://how-to-save-marriage.org/midlife-crisis-affair/
I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We had a rough time but we both loved each other very much. He used during part of our marriage and had undiagnosed bi polar until 2 years ago. He wrote me many beautiful letters. When he got on bipolar medicine he told everyone how much he loved me and he never wanted to lose me. That he would search for me a thousand lifetimes. Right before he got on bipolar meds he was at his lowest point. While he was away to get mental health treatment I built up a wall. I still loved him very much but was scared to get hurt again. In January he moved out and said he needed to seperate for about 6 months. I had started breaking down the walls the month before but he said he needed to see if it was real. He moved back in July. He said I was everything he always wanted. In August I noticed he wasn’t being as affectionate as usual. I confronted him (to many times im sure) about this. August 24 he moved out saying he was confused and needed space. I found out he was having an affair at the beginning of September. He told me that he met her while we were separated. He told me the moment he saw her he felt something he has never felt before. Like they were together in a past life. I can’t tell you how painful that was and how those words replay in my head everyday. He says he thinks he is in love with her. But that he still loves me more. He says he is staying at a guy friends of his. In mid september he told me that he told the ow that he wants to try to work things out with me because he thinks it will work. He told me that at this point he still wants to be friends with her but will not see her, just talk to her on the phone. Here is the problem. I think he is living with her. He swears he isn’t but things arn’t adding up. I don’t know what to do. I am in tears everyday. I try not to call or text him because I want to give him the space he needs. He says he is going to make an effort to call me at least everday to show me that he loves me. So far (just this week) he is doing that. I strongly believe he is going through a midlife crisis. Can I get him back? What do I do? I don’t want to push him more into her arms. Is there any hope? I am devestated. We also have 4 children. Even though we have had problems, our love for each other has been very deep. I feel blindsided by all of this and I am so sad. I want to grow old with my husband but I am so afraid that he is choosing the ow instead of me. He comes over about 3 nights a week and is snuggly and says he loves me over and over. I am so confused. I pray that you can give me some advise. I would love to buy the program but I don’t have any income right now. I will try to hopefully sometime soon.
Christi,
From what you’ve written, it does seem like the classic midlife crisis affair, and I think your instinct about this is right.
Like in most midlife crisis affairs, he is trying to eat the cake and have it too, because he hasn’t decided what to do yet.
I think that even though it’s extremely hard, you are right about not pressuring him to prevent pushing him away, but you have to set boundaries as well. He has to understand that he can’t have both of you.
Here’s my post about what to do about your husband’s midlide affair, I think it may help you:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/midlife-crisis-affair/
Hang in there, I think that he is on the right track, just needs more time.
Steph,
Here’s a post that I think can help you:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/midlife-crisis-affair/
My partner of 10 years just left me and our family(16 year old daughter and a three year old daughter) for another woman who is younger than me, skinnier.
ever since I found out I have been devastated and heartbroken beyond belief I never dreamed he would do this to us I am in love with him and love him so much.
I had problems where I would like him and criticize him and it drove him away and my question is he really seems like he done with me for good what can I do because I love him and we need him in the family and he’s with another woman that had two children and leaving us here alone.
I have lost 15 pounds from not being able to eat and I also started smoking cigarettes again because I am so stressed out and so heartbroken.
its so long of a story but I am living in constant regret that this is all of my fault and I love him and feel like I need him back this is tormenting me what can I do he has heard me tell him that I admitted that I was wrong and it doesn’t matter because now its too late he said.
I begged for us to get counseling and he said it wouldn’t help and I wouldn’t change he was not good at communicating and kept everything inside I found out he moved on and never even told me he said that I should know that’s what happens if you treat somebody that way please help me I feel like my life is a constant nightmare what can I do please help!
Emily,
I know this seems like the worst time of your life. BUT, under no circimstances should you keep blaming yourslef the way you do, because it’s NEVER only the fault of one side, and thinking like this will only make things worse for you.
First thing to do, before anything else, is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for your side of the story and pray that he forgives himself too (believe me, he feels bad about this too).
It seems like a bad idea to keep convincing him to come back by saying it’s all your fault. You’ve expressed your regret, now the ball is in his court. Unfortunately, you’ll probably have to let him do his thing and realize his mistakes on his own.
The best way to show him what a huge mistake he made is to concntrate on yourself and your children, and healing yourself.
This includes forgiving both you and him, and thinking why you have brought yourself to the point where you are in life now. There’s always a reason (sometimes hidden) and the reason is always a good one. It happened to make things ultimately better, not worse. At least it’s what I believe.
Take it one day at a time and trust me, you can never know what tommorrow brings. Expect the best, expect miracles. And they will happen.
I hope this helps and hang in there,
Lisa
Dear lisa,
Than you so much for yoour advice!
He is still seeing the other woman and her kids for four months. I am going to try my best …but it seems worse everyday. I see he is in love with her and treats me like he is a different person.
I will follow your advice….actually him being with her and leaving the house is now almost five months ago.
He is treating her kids almost as his own from what I have seen.
But…I am not givin up yet…even though it seems almost hopeless.
Hi no I am not detached. I really want to save our marriage. I do love him. He got some issues to deal with, lost his mum at 13, and never had any counseling for it. He asked for my support and I said I will. That is something I know his hasn’t talk about with the other woman. He said it got nothing to do with her. Last night he went to see her but was texting me to say he miss me. This morning he was kisses me and hugging me. He said I can hold him on tbe fact tbat he said that next at this time we will still be together. I am trying very hard not to ask to many questions the way I see it , he that he feel unhappy and blame the marriage. He did talk about a feeling of plotting along. He also said that the other woman flatter his ego. He did talked a lot those last few months about being 49 and not having done much with his life.
If I seem detached is I think because I try to understand on which feet to dance.
I think you know what this means, it seems like he’s telling her to wait until he can leave you.
That doesn’t mean that he is not just lying to her, but what does it matter?
I think you don’t have much choice but confronting him, not doing this will not prevent anything because it’s there. It’s happening, And the sooner you deal with it the better.
I know it’s hard, but everything happens for a reason and for the best. It’s what I believe anyway.
I am to scared to confront him, i’m not sure i want it to be true 100% yet. He has said he still loves me, i’ve asked him.
But i listen to there conversations when he assumes i’m asleep, he’s never mentioned divorce.
Just that he needs resources and not to worry he’s sorting it all out.
What the hell does that mean?? Maybe i should confront him, i’m just so scared he wants me to so that he can leave without having to do it himself.
Sara,
Wow, I don’t know how you managed to not confront him until now.
I think that yes, it may be time to get it out in the open.
Here’s my post about how to confront him the right way:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/
Hi my husband juat told me he likes another woman a lot. I know about her and when he sees her or text her. She is also a work colleague. Now we still live together we are not wven talking about getting separated or him leaving or wven divorce. He want to go to counselling for aome issues he got before anything is decided. The problem is he says he care deply for me but doesn’t believe he can be in love with me or attracted to me again. That those feelings can’t ever come back. But when we walk he hold my hand. He kisses me and gives me cuddles and hugs even so we dont have sex. He hasn’t with the other woman either and I believe him on that one. Now he also talk about doing something about my 40yh birthday and maybe rent a camping van next year. He is 49 and I am really confused. I do believe our marriage can be save but he doesn’t believe in it.
Oh and he is also saying he want to keep the door open for us or as friends or as a couple !!! Please help
It seems to me that you husband wants to have it all – Have a wife and a home, and another woman on the side.
Nothing uncommon about that, mind you…
I’m no expert what I would make him choose right now. No waiting for him to make up his mind, no cuddles amd kisses until he makes a move toward some direction.
All the while I would stay friends with him and communicate with him in a nice and friendly manner, without anger and accusations.
Can you try and get in touch with how you feel and what you really want? Because you seem to me completely detached from your emotions at this point.
Sara,
So I gather that he has admitted about his emotional affair?
Yes, it does seem like he is developing feelings for her and is acting on it, slowly and surely.
I must remind you that his entire attraction is based on his fantasy and imagination. He doesn’t really know this woman and it’s exciting and thrilling only because it’s new.
From what you’ve said I am guessing that this a typical “midlife crisis affair”.
Here’s my post about what to do in this situation:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/midlife-crisis-affair/
Hang in there, everything happens for a reason – And it’s always for the best. You just have to believe it.
Hugs,
Lisa
No, he hasn’t admitted it but i am aware of it. I’ve become concerned because i overheard him talking to her about having a child together. I truly hope this is a phase, i just feel that i’m losing him. Should i confront him about this affair?
Hi, i’ve been married to my husband 10 years and for the past year and a half or so, not sure on exact time. He has been having a emotional affair, they have not met in person yet this started on the internet. I’m worried he’s going to leave me for her, shes 30 years younger than i and much more beautiful. It breaks my heart, he is forever locked in his room. Doesn’t let anyone in unless they inform him who they are even our daughter.
He talks to this woman every day, most the day barely spends any time with myself, i even found out recently he has been sending her money and wanting to visit her or live close to her.
He hasn’t mentioned divorce yet but i feel that it is coming, do i have rights to be fearful he will leave me for her? I need as much advice about this as possible…
It seems to me that he still loves you, but she the advantage of a “new thing” so he thinks he is in love with her (excitement of a new thing).
I think I would wait a little while linger, but without the sex. You can stay good friends with him, get along and everything, but no sex.
At some point he won’t be able to go on like this, without choosing. If you stay friends with him and use this time to focus on YOURSELF and healing from this, I think that he will choose you.
But don’t let him eat the cake and have it too. That way he can really go on like this for years.
O.k.
Here’s my post about what to do next, I hope it helps:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
I’m here if you want to keep me updated, I’ll do my best to help.
Hang in there, everything has a purpose, and everything will be alright.
Lisa
I feel like i’m going crazy! He is giving me such mixed emotions. He says he loves me, I asked if he is “IN” love with me and he says maybe. I asked is he in love with her he says i think. How can you be in love with two differant people at the same time? He is still at home with us, he says he is not ready to move in with her, even though she wants him to leave me and the kids right now and move on with her. But also he is not ready to end the affair with her. He said he is glad I finally know, so the lying can stop, but he is almost to open about his relationship with her. Anything I ask he tells me, he lets me know when he is seeing her, I called him last week end and he said he was with her and staying at her place for the night, Then when he comes home Its like he is all about me. We have had sex twice since I found out about the affair. I know this is so wrong but I feel if I get mad and kick him out, he will have no choice but to go to her and live happily ever after. I don’t want to lose him, but I have to have some self respect for myself and not let him do this to me. Its either her or me, but he says he is not ready to make that choice. So what do I do? just let him keep seeing her, and when he is home with me we get along great, he acts understanding when I tell him how confused I am he says he’s confused to. He said she is willing to wait for him for as long as it takes. This could go on for years! I’m not ready to let him go, I want him more then ever now and I’m so scared he is going to choose her..
He spends the weekend nights at her place, comes home to shower and eat, I just told him I have had enough, he must move out. he said give me a week…
Jenny,
That’s a huge wake up call to deal with, I know. I respect your ability to take responsibility for the things that you did, most people can’t seem to do that, all they see is that the other spouse is to blame for everything.
Do you still live together or has he left and living with her now?
Last week I got a phone call that my husband of 25 years was having an affair with onother woman. I confronted my husband and at first he said it was not true, then as the days went on his story kept changing, First he said it was only two times they slept together and now he has finally said he is done with the lying and he has been sleeping with her for about a year and they are in love! I am shocked! I know I have been pushing him away for the past few years, And this is a huge wake -up call. I want to save my marriage but he doesn’t want to end his affair with her, he wants to see if they work out in the public setting, all they know is hiding out . He says they have alot in common and loves her personality. What do I do, do I sit around and wait for him while her “dates” his girlfriend and sees if he really wants a life with her and not our family? I know this is so wrong, but I am willing to wait for him because I love him so much and want to keep our family together.. Please help!
Daphne,
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I think that you are amazingly brave, strong and smart.
I think that your deep instincts are completely right, and that he is not really in love with her.
Like you said, he is probably doing this because of his depression and uses this affair to run away from dealing with himself.
You are right and smart to stay friends with him, and when he treats himself and feels better, he’ll realize his mistake and beg to get back with you.
You don’t really need me for advice, you know it all by yourself. You are very connected with your intuition.
I think that if you focus on healing yourself and use this time to improve your own life, he will find his way back to you.
As for her, I would ignore her attempts to control the situation, and tell her politely that you don’t want to be in contact with her.
At the same time – For yourself and no one else – Work on forgiving her, and him.
Again, not for them – for you. Because anger hurts and poisons you – Not them.
I would be glad to hear from again in the future to see what has happened and changed.
I wish you all the best – Keep listening to your inner voice – It knows everything.
Lisa
I thought I’d update since it has been over a year since my husband left.
Unfortunately, it didn’t have the happy ending I was hoping for.
My husband became progressively more antagonistic towards me and started treating me like crap. His selfishness just grew and grew and she did not make it any better. From April 2015- early March 2016 I attempted to be friends with him. Though he never rejected that, he remained cold, callous and made terrible remarks. Yet he took my kindness, such as me paying for things or bringing him food (and then said he felt guilty- yet he never refused or returned a kindness).
The final straw came when I attended a performance of his (he’s an actor) and he had promised me his mistress wasn’t going go be there for that particular date, but I was confronted with her anyway. She stood there basking in his glory.
I told him it was disrespectful to lie to me. When a day later I attempted to give him positive news from my end, he just asked about the divorce, cause he needed financial aid as he and her were going to live together. He showed no interest in my life. He was cold and uncaring when I ended up in hospital 3 times for a risky procedure. He just wanted me to ensure he could get money.
I filed for divorce. Then he tried squeezing more money out of me, despite him leaving me with a huge debt.
I took up a lawyer who helped me protect myself, though I still gave him the best deal. Even his lawyer said he was lucky I was being generous and that his demands were outrageous. (He admitted to me that his mother – who always said she loved me even after his affair- and his mistress pushed him towards the outrageous demands).
The divorce papers are now signed from my end. I still cry sometimes, because I hate how it ended and I truly loved him. I hate that he has become like this when he wasn’t this person before.
Out of the blue I’ve fallen in love with a different man, though I haven’t told him how I feel. Partly cause his relationship status is unclear and I’ll be damned to meddle with another woman’s man. Also partly cause I am scared of giving my heart away…
Daphne,
Don’t be scared to give your heart away again. What if this divorce happned just so you could now meet the true love of your life?
Grab happiness in both hands and go for it.
Good luck!
My husband left me immediately after I found out he was having an emotional affair with a much younger house friend. She was over at our house a lot and I cooked for her, took her out and listened to her problems. I even said I loved her like a little sister.
My husband told me on his birthday that he had feelings for her and doubts about us, but wanted to work on our marriage. He told me he had told her of his feelings but they weren’t reciprocated. When I told her I was aware of what was said, she said nothing was going on between them. I told her I trusted her and that we were going to work on our marriage and seek counselling.
She then texted him that she DID reciprocate his feelings and they agreed to start an affair. She is 21 and he is her first boyfriend.
When I found out, mainly because she was acting so sketchy and she tried to convince me not to keep him from her (despite me never making any moves of the sort), my husband up and left.
He told me all the classics: I haven’t loved you in a long time. I don’t think I ever have. She is my soul mate.
He moved out that night, leaving me bewildered. We still had sex, cuddled, laughed, had deep meaningful talks. He had been suffering from a deep depression.
He now says he doesn’t need anymore counselling cause he has her.
The day after she left she came to my house to tell me teary eyed she was going to end it with him. She loved him like a brother not a lover. We agreed I would break the news to him gently. After he wailed and screamed and I tried to comfort my husband (who had broken my heart only the day before), he went to her to get broken up with and she told him I had twisted her words! Now she said she was going to wait till the divorce came through. So he came back angry with me and telling me he was going to push for a divorce.
Her manipulation continued while she texts people nasty stories about me and my husband believes every word she says.
It took her only 3 days after our separation to give him “permission to kiss her” and a week to have sex.
During our friendship I had confided in her that I was sexually abused by my ex and that it caused some sexual problems in my marriage. She then told me she was raped and was “unable to have sex”.
Yet a week after my husband left me (you know…when she said she was going to wait till divorce) she wanted to have sex with him. He believes she was raped and basically he now thinks he’s a hero for “curing her”.
He confided in me he knows she lies, but he found the solution by “asking her several times if she’s telling the truth”.
Husband and I are trying to work on a positive, friendly relationship.
However, I fell into a deep depression. I’m now getting therapy and medication. I survived 3 suicide attempts (one my husband found me after my dad called him to check up on me as I wasn’t picking up the phone).
The counselling and meds are helping me.
My husband is openly dating her. We are still married. It’s been less than 2 months.
Yesterday she sent me an email wanting to open up conversation but only on her terms (only through email so she can “revise what she’s saying” and “no details about my current relationship with your husband as it is personal”). I showed my counsellors and they agreed it looked manipulative, but they said I might need to vent my anger on her to heal but on my terms (in person, so she can’t hide).
I still bring my husband food sometimes, helped him move and we talk often. I’ve been thinking of minimising contact.
However, I still think my husband’s depression clouds his judgement and feelings. I think he’s not really in love with her (and she’s just using him to feel superior), but feels the relationship is an escape from his problems. Obviously, me telling him that didn’t work.
We have now agreed not to talk about “her”. He believes her and believes he loves her.
I can’t believe he is throwing away 10 years of marriage for a child he knows less than a year.
We don’t have children.
I know I might be crazy, but when my husband is stable, he is wonderful and loving. He behaves entirely differently when he’s with her. I still want him back, though I feel he has a lot of work to do (he needs to actively work on his depression and needs to be willing to actively heal from the affair and the aftermath). The problem: he’s constantly saying he wants her and not me.
Friends are uncomfortable with her and don’t trust her. They don’t express this to them, but have come to me to say they don’t like seeing her with him.
I’ve been rather isolated as I fear running into them together.
I have not yet responded to her email. I’m unsure what to do. I am convinced she’s trying to control both of us and though she has her meat hooks into my husband, I don’t want her to fool me any longer.
Am I delusional? Does he really want to be with her? Is he really suddenly “over the worst of his depression now he has left me?”
Am I right? Is he letting his depression cloud his judgement? Is she manipulating him?
I’m afraid I have texted him, begged and said I love him. I’m tempted to confront her, but as my mental stability is slowly returning I’m unsure of this…
Is there hope for a renewed marriage between me and my husband once the fog of the affair and depression clears? Should I just let this run its course and remain present in the background?
Marie,
I think that most men who leave for another woman have convinced themselves that she is their soul mate. They will ususally change history in their mind too, telling themselves they never loved you.
Like you said, it doesn’t have to be true, most probably isn’t, but you won’t be able to convince him about this.
Since this is not the first time he has been cheating, like you suspect, I would consider trying to moving on with my life, even if you love him and want him back.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself right now, which seens to be the case with your ex. You can use this time to focus on yourself, restoring your life, figuring out (again) who YOU are and what you really want.
If you are meant to be, I think you will find your way back to each other. I think that you should just try to be his friend, and only his friend, at this point. Until he decides to get help and the treatment that he needs. And he will, I’m sure. It just may take time.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 11. We have 3 children, ages 16 months, 4 and 6. He recently left me and moved in with the ow he has been seeing for only 2 months. We have been living with my parents for a few years because I have been going through school and he has been just working security. He went through the police academy and has been having a hard time getting a police job. He is also in the Army National Guard. He was deployed in Afgahnistan Jan. 2011 – May 2012. I really think he has ptsd and depression. For the last few months he has been very distant from me and the kids. He hasn’t been hanging out with friends or doing activities he would normally do on a regular basis. He would kept saying we need to fix things. He would say I do this wrong and that. It was like he was trying not to love me. One day he’d kiss me and showed affection, we were still having sex, then the next day nothing. I’ve been trying to get him to see a counciler but he won’t. He has admitted he has PTSD and other issues but then other days he says he doesn’t. He thinks this women he is with now is his soul mate. He met her online and lied saying he has been divorced for two years. She has found out he’s married and still wants to be with him. I don’t see it working out. I love my husband so much, I hate was he has done. I just wish he would get some help if it is because of PTSD and depression. Do you think it might be? I still want him back.
Susan,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I think that you did the right thing by telling him that you agree to separate and going to work on yourself.
I think, though, that this should not be just telling him, but also doing it. Really. Committing to it and focusing on it and nothing else.
Like I sais in the post, your best chances of getting him back is to take this time and re-learn who you are ans what you really want, while staying friends with him (this includes not even asking him about other women…)
I know it seems hard, but today’s efforts are tommorrow’s blessing and remember, everything happens just like it should and at the perfect time. Just make the best of this opportunity to change your life, and the best things will happen to you.
Lisa
Could you please offer me some advice on how to arrange a meeting with my husband during our separation to discuss boundaries for said separation?
To give some background, my husband left the our home 2.5 weeks ago telling me he was not in love with me anymore and hadnt been happy for some time. This was a shock to me and I of course broke down and begged him to stay etc etc…But I now see that in doing so this will push him further away. He agreed to a meeting last week to discuss things and I then agreed to a separation but not divorce (which is what I think he wanted originally) I told him I will take this time to work on myself, gather support around me (I am from NZ and have no family and not many friends here) and get on with university. He was teary and told me I was brave, but this didnt change he way he felt.
There was an incident a few months ago where I found him to be emotionally investing in another woman. He assured me this was nothing more but I was very hurt. We agreed to work things through. But it is only now that he has gone that I realise I didnt take this to be what it meant…that I wasnt listening to him properly and giving him what he needed emotionally. My trust for him also took a big knock but as I mentioned I thought we had committed to working on this and saving our marriage.
I miss him terribly and really want the best chance of making this work and for him to realise our marriage IS worth saving. so I am working on maintaining our friendship for now as he agrees that this has not been damaged. I suspect there is another woman but he swears there is not.
TIA!! Susan
You will be saving your marriage to a cheater. You want that? Really?
Liv,
I don’t think you have to “show” him anything. If you take this chance, “forced” on you by him leaving and seeing someone else, and use it to really bond with yourself right now, heal, and take care of yourself, he’ll have no choice but to notice it.
You have a daughter together so he’ll always be a part of your life and if you stay cool, and work on being the best you possible (not for him! for yourself!) he will notice it and probably hit himself in the head when he realizes what he gave up on.
Don’t seem desperate, don’t beg, don’t ask for another chance, work on being happy right now, without depending on anyone else for it.
It’s my opinion only of course, and I hope it helps, and hang in there. All things happen for a good reason.
My husband and I have been together for 4 yrs and married for 4 in September, we have had a great relationship until the past year and a half, I found that I closed myself up and was down in self esteem, he offered to help but I refused. We argued over things and it never got resolved just arguing over the same thing every time….it has been 6 weeks since we have separated he told me he felt he wasn’t in love anymore but he still cared deeply for me and has a love for me. Also has said that we have such a strong bond and I have a direct path to his soul and I told him the same….he has been seeing another for almost 2 weeks now and it crushes me….he has given me hope about us telling me to get myself back and attract him again but now that this other woman is in the picture I just feel all hope is lost…I will keep on trying I cannot give up but it’s hard for me to show him if he’s not around or won’t come home to me and our daughter….I just want that chance to prove and I’m lost on how to get him around more?
And the separation was not through paperwork just something he thought we needed….but in order for me to show him he needs to be here…not sure what to do?
Quote: ” Also has said that we have such a strong bond and I have a direct path to his soul and I told him the same….he has been seeing another for almost 2 weeks now and it crushes me….”
If that behavior is the “direct path to (husband’s) soul….” DROP ME OFF before we reach destination please!!!
Hi Lisa,
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. He has always struggled with depression and alcohol use, but was a wonderful husband and an amazing stepfather to my daughter. This past fall, he came home drunk and the police followed him home. This behavior had never happened before. I discovered that night that he was having an affair with his boss, a friend of mine. Since then his drinking has consumed him, and he is now in rehab getting help. He moved out and is continuing the affair. I just want the chance to go to counseling together and find out where it went wrong. Please help!
Jaime,
I think that his affair is alcohol-induced. Meaning, the moment he’ll sober up, after rehab, he will probably realize the mistake he has made and try to get back with you.
When that happens, it’s going to be the right time for counseling.
Right now, I would let him complete his rehab and do what ever he wants. His head is not on the right place and timing is everything.
Try to be patient and good things will happen.
This is just my opinion though, and I hope it helps.
Hang in there and focus on healing YOURSELF right now.
Lisa
“Where did it go wrong?”
Let’s see… you married a man who is an alcoholic???
My husband left me to be with another woman. The affair lasted a little more than a year. He left her and went home to live with his parents. When he leftme,I was forced to move in with my parents as I had no job or transportation. I soon became very ill and was hospitalized many times. He would come see about me occasionally. When he was hospitalixed with a heart attack,i was the there for him.The doctor even told him he has a women who really cares about him. We talk on a regular basis and see each other frequently. I sometimes cook for him because he doesn’t get to eat healthy food like he should. Although he completely left the first woman alone, he has been seeing someone else whom he told me about. He financially supports me since I am not employed. He sometimes takes me to eat (for my birthday) and we spend time talking. I’ve learned not to bombard him with calls everyday. He will call me and have short conversations. We sometimes have sex. But he still spends weekend time with this new chick. He has asked me to help find him a new place to live. And I obliged. I will always love him and will never break my marriage vows by committing adultery. Does my marriage stand a chance of reconciliation? I pray each night for this and have acknowledged what I did wrong in my marriage. We talk about the problems he’s experiencing. I help him anyway I can. Please help
Grace,
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think that you’re brave and very strong to have this kind of patience. I do think your marriage has a chance, but I also think that while you’re kind of waiting for him to realize he has made a mistake, you should try to move on – Just like he did.
Seeing a new man would not be cheating on him or breaking your vows, since you are separated. I think that he can see that you are waiting for him, and that you won’t see another man, so he feels no urgency to decide about the rest of his life.
He thinks he can have the cake and eat it too, which is unfortunately true at this point. I would actually advise you to start seeing another man – If only to stop waiting and putting your life on hold.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.
Lisa
My husband and I were together 22 years but only married 10 when he served me with divorce papers. I knew our marriage was in trouble. I have a bad temper and yell a lot. He, over the past several years, asked me to get help. I refused to listen. Now I find out (after the divorce papers – which I still haven’t signed and it has been 6 mo at the time of this posting) has been seeing someone else. He says he still wants to be my best friend. He still loves and cares for me deeply. He still wants me in his life. He still wants to have sex with me. But he doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. We have a child together so we will always be intertwined with one another. I moved out a few months ago. Since he has given me the divorce papers and told me about her, all we have done is argue. Not about the things we used to argue over, just her. He won’t end it. I have tried to make him see that we could resolve our problems if we worked on them without any outside interference. Every time i think I am getting through to him, I get angry about something, and his answer to me is “See, every time I think of giving us a chance you do this…”. I know he is right about my temper. I have made every mistake listed above. We recently has a really long conversation and decided that we were going to work on our friendship – first and foremost. If while doing that his feelings start to change then he will decide what he wants to do. In the meantime, he will continue to see her. They even have spoken about moving in together, yet he says he won’t marry her anytime soon. He doesn’t want to get married again anytime soon. I don’t understand how a person can love me, be sexually involved with me, but not want to be married to me. I don’t understand how we can work on our friendship and if his feelings change then decide to leave her. Is she a safety net? I feel very confused, alone, sad, angry. I am seeing a therapist just so you know. Is it really possible to “win” him back from her? Is it just my imagination or is he throwing out mixed signals? Testing both sides of the fence?
Abigail,
I think that your idea about focusing on being friends is the right way to go at this point.
I know it’s hard, but it’s the right path. Just be his friend and let him know you want to be his friend.
Friends don’t have sex though, and this should be left out of the “deal”.
If you don’t expect him to be anything more than your friend, he will be able to relax (and you will too!) and remember who you really are and why he fell in love with you in the first place.
I know it seems difficult, but you can do it, and the reward will be worth it.
No demands, no accusations, just friendship. That’s the base for a good relationship. You used to have it, and you can have it again.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best,
Lisa
My husband and have been married a little over two years our house got broken into and I went into depression for about 6 months and he turned to another woman to talk to we got over that bump and he quit talking to her then out a the blue she showed up again and they started it all over I tried to compromise with it I ask to stop talking so much but he couldn’t so I gave him a choice me or her and he chose me we agreed to wipe the slat clean every thing was going great then s couple weeks went by and he got mad a left he tells me he love me but he is not in love and ended up with this woman anyway and she is thirty years younger than him and they are living together now and it’s only been a week and a half since he left please help i want our marriage to work I love him with all my heart
Deborah,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would follow the advise I’ve given in the poat for starters, and try to be patient,
]ust because she is younger and he is living with her, doesn’t mean that your marriage os over, yet.
I think that if he wasn’t sure about her the first time you asked him to choose – He is not sure now either.
Just be patient, remember your worth, don’t beg and plead,take this chance to do everything you always wanted to to and focus on improving your life as an individual.
Time will pass and if you don’t lose control, he’ll realize what he is missing.
That’s what I think anyway…
Hang in there!
My husband and I have had a few issues over the years with communication and listening. Now we have been swinging off and on and I thought that it would make things better but it didn’t. We let our swinger friends move in and everything was good until her husband pulled out of the relationship with me and just wanted her. So my husband and I have been fighting more because I want them out and he doesn’t because he has feelings for her. Right now I have no job and no way to get out. Her husband is planning on leaving either at the end of January beginning of February and she has to make a choice between her husband and mine in April because that is when our lease is up. I am so confused on what to do? Help please!
Laurie,
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I must confess I’ve never had a question like this before…quite a unique situation there…
I guess it depends on how badly you want, if you even want, to save your marriage. I’m sure that when you agreed to let them move into your home you knew the risks and maybe predicted this could happen, right?
It may sound weird to you, but I would stop fighting with your husband and instead focus on getting a job, some kind of a job that can help you regain your financial indipendence, so you can make a decision on your own, without being dependant on him for survival.
Get yourself out of the equation, out of the circle of madness and just take care of yourself and rebuild your life as an individual. That would be what I would do anyway.
Hang in there, better days will come, especially if you decide so.
Lisa
Wow Laurie
I was so glad to see this, we are in almoat exactly the same situation. Married 10 years and things got a bit rough and then for some stupid reason we went into swinging friendship and one year later now my husband wants a divorse because I can’t do this anymore it is wrong on so many levels. I know he feels alot for her and her husband for me but I don’t feel that way and just want my husband for myself and our daughter again. He sent me away to live with my mother in Pta I also don’t have a job and he stayed in KZN. How to fix aomething that you had a part in?????
My husband a week aho told me he didnt love or care for me. He said I deserve betterhe has been staying at a friends house Off and onn and putting all his time into his work.when he is at home he is kinda distantfrom ushitomi 3 days ago that he kissed a girl in his been texting herI love my husband very muchand I want to see our marriage work how do I get him to stop texting her and come home to just me and our three children I’m heartbroken and confused on all this he tells me that he is confused about everything and he needs some time I have been giving him time the last week to try to figure out if he wants to go to counseling he always tells me counseling doesn’t work so we’re not goingbut I love my husband and I want to win him back can you give me some advice on how to win my husband back he is one that is kind of straightforward no feelings for nothing he is a cop and he knows all the strategies I just love him and I want him back it was only a kiss and I’m willing to forgive him for that but what’s bugging me now is that he’s always on the phone texting and I don’t know if its her she is a coworker that he works with and they’re in the same field hola no workbut he is still texting me telling me when he’s not coming homewe had just recently filed for bankruptcy and we finish the paperwork yesterday is there any way to help us
Krys,
That’s a lot of stress to deal with, I’m sorry you are going through this.
Adding financial stress to everything may seem unbearable for you at this point, but pleased hang in there – Better days will come.
I don’t think your husband really doesn’t love you anymore. Even if he said so. I don’t think he knows how he really feels, he has just given up for now,
I think that in your case you should not try to “fight” for him. I think you should actually tell him that separation, at least a temporary one, is a good idea.
You can see why I’m saying this to you in my post about marriage separation, here:
https://how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/
Don’t lose hope, good intentions go a long way and we never know what tomorrow brings.
But…if the purpose of all those changes is to try to get the adulerous spouse to return, isn’t that really just a form of manipulation? And rather than being strong, isn’t it just another way of directing the weakness?
I would propose that a much better approach would be to accept the situation for what it is, assume they are not coming back, lean into Christ as the source of strength, and get on with your life.
If the adulterous spouse asks to come back, you can deal with the request as deemed fitting at that time. But until or unless that happens, you’re better off assuming it won’t…and not hoping it will.
Hey Joe, I like your response. Lately I have been going crazy wanting my wife to come back home. She didn’t leave me for another guy, she just said she was unhappy. I rededicated my life to Christ and I am trying to stay strong, and your comment was really helpful.
As a Christian is that really what christ would want you to do? How many times did God seek you out and reach out to you when you had left him? God calls us to protect and keep out marriages not give up on them. Read Hosea 1-3.