“I can’t believe this is happening to me”, my friend Rachel thought while sitting on the sofa with her husband John. My husband wants a divorce. Her heart was pounding and her face was turning pale as she heard him saying “I’m sorry, but I want out.”
She was unable to speak. Her head was spinning and was too overwhelmed to cry. She just sat there listening to him telling her – “I just can’t go on like this anymore. Our marriage is over.”
He had already gone to work when she was able to speak again. “My husband wants a divorce” she told me over the phone, still in complete shock. “I knew things weren’t perfect but I can’t believe he wants to end 10 years of marriage just like that.
I always thought we can get through anything together. We used to be best friends. What happened? Should I convince him to stay? I have no idea what to do now, it feels like my entire life is about to fall into this black hole. What do I do NOW?”
My Husband Wants a Divorce
“No one wakes up in the morning, drinks coffee and suddenly decides he wants a divorce, I said to her.”It’s a result of a process, usually a very long process of unresolved issues, neglected needs and finally a total communication breakdown”.
“But it doesn’t mean his love for you is dead. Most of the time, the love is still there, but it’s covered up by anger, resentment, frustration or other emotions.
I don’t know one married woman who hasn’t felt at some point utter hatred towards her husband.
** He forgot something that was important to you again;
** He doesn’t help around the house;
** He doesn’t help with the kids;
** He doesn’t seem to care about your needs;
** He calls you names when you fight.
** He doesn’t appreciate you and it makes you so angry that you want to kick him out of the house, while screaming how much you hate his guts.
But it doesn’t mean you REALLY hate him. You are angry and it hides any other emotion that you ever had for him.
In the same way, even if your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore, doesn’t mean that he REALLY doesn’t. “If he was once in love with you”, I told my friend, “he CAN fall in love with you again. But it won’t just magically happen on its own.
You have to take these specific steps RIGHT NOW to re-discover the huge love you used to share.
These are NOT gimmicks, tricks or clever little psychological games.
If you don’t try to take these emergency steps, you will never know what could have been. He will probably leave and your marriage will be over”.
“Now He Tells Me That He is In Love with Someone Else”
The day after Rachel calls me again with some shocking news. “If it’s not enough that my husband wants a divorce, it turns out he is having an affair with his co-worker for the last 6 months”, she started crying. “That’s why my husband wants a divorce. That’s why he doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Some other woman came along and stole him away from me. And made him lie to me, deceive me and stab a knife in my back for 6 whole months. Now I know there’s no hope. I could never compete with a new and exciting younger woman. And even if I could, how can I ever trust him again after 6 months of lying and cheating?”
Your Marriage CAN Survive an Affair
“If you think that I’m going to confirm your deepest fear – That the marriage you poured your heart and soul into is over – Think again”, I told her.
Even if he “feels” that he is in love with another woman, it doesn’t mean that all hope is gone. It doesn’t even mean that his feelings for her are REAL.In many cases, the cheater is not in love with another woman, but in love with the DRAMA. He is in love with being in love.
** He feels alive again;
** Someone new is making him will good about himself again;
** Someone else is admiring him again, giving him all the things he misses getting from YOU;
** Someone else is feeding his male ego (while giving him the hot sex that you turned down the other night.)
There isn’t a worse way to deal with a troubled marriage than looking outside of it to be satisfied. He couldn’t have chosen a worse path than the one he did. But that’s how he dealt with it.
Now it’s up to you. Do you still care about your marriage? Your family? Do YOU intend to keep your wedding day promise “for better and for worse” (even if he doesn’t?) Or do you want to back off and let your relationship die?
If you are brave enough to implement these last chance efforts, do it NOW. You might fail, but at least you will always know that you did everything you could to keep your marriage.
You might succeed too. And if you do, you may rebuild a better relationship than you ever had with your husband. It may turn out to be “the perfect storm” in your marriage.
“Are you going to try?” I asked Rachel… (To Be Continued…)
Rooting for ya,
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