How to Restore the Trust After He Cheated (The Post Affair Agreement)

restore the trust (after he cheated)

Can you ever trust your (cheating) husband again?

Most people would say that it’s impossible to restore the trust after an affair. That if he did it once, he can do it again. That the foundation of the relationship is forever broken.

Is that what you believe too?

After all, he lied to you straight into your face, over and over again. He told you he was at work but he was actually with her. He told you he was out with his friends, but he was in the arms of another woman, while you were taken for a fool.

Is it Possible to Restore the Trust?

Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Everything else grows out of the trust you have for one another: Your sense of safety, the feeling of companionship and even your love for one another depends on trust.

So even if you somehow manage to deal with unbelievable shock and pain caused by his affair, you will not be able to salvage your marriage without restoring the trust.

But no matter how hard you try, you can’t.

One night he comes home late from work and says he had a meeting, but you can’t for the life of you believe him completely.

And it’s more than normal.

But, it’s virtually impossible to try to heal from this crisis, communicate honestly and rebuild your marriage again when you’re constantly feeling suspicious and even paranoid, right?

The Most Critical Requirement for Restoring the Trust

I’ve learned about the importance of transparency after an affair from Dr. Gunzburg’s “How to Survive an Affair” program, and it’s the most important thing you and your husband need to address right now, before it’s too late.

Your husband needs to understand that complete transparency is the only direct way to rebuilding your trust in him.

No more weird phone calls, no more evenings out without a call home, no more secret mails and social media accounts.

With time, complete transparency will bring the trust back to your relationship and make room for rebuilding the love.

But what is complete transparency and how to do it exactly?

The post affair agreement is a list of changes both of you agree to make (but especially the cheating spouse obviously), to start the process of rebuilding the trust in your relationship.

The Post Affair Agreement

1. My cell phone texts, contact list, pictures and calls are not a secret and can be viewed freely by my spouse. The cheating spouse will close out any e-mail accounts or telephone numbers associated with affair.

2. My Facebook account, including private messages, is not a secret and can be viewed anytime by my spouse.

3. I will not delete or hide any text message or Facebook message or e-mail of any kind.

4. I will let my spouse know exactly where I am at any point during the day. I will not make my spouse wonder where I am or what I’m doing.

5. I will call and explain in detail if I am to change my plans. For example, if I am going to be late from work – I will call before hand and explain.

6. If I go out socially without my spouse, I will let him/her exactly who I am going to meet and where.

7. I will try to share more about my work, new people who come into the office and conversations with colleagues (female and male).

8. I will make it a priority to be available on my cell phone when my spouse calls.

9. I will offer to share more about my life, the things that trouble me (or make me happy) – As much as possible.

Husband Signature Wife Signature

Why the Post Affair Agreement is Not Enough

It may take some time, but committing to the post affair agreement will slowly (yet effectively) restore the trust in your relationship, and in your heart.

But you can’t stop there.

Next, it’s time to really face your emotions and rebuild the love in your marriage, if you want to make it better than ever.

In the next sections of Dr. Gunzburg’s program, you will learn about how to rebuild the attention, the caring, the support and the stability in your marriage. And of course – The fun, the laughter and the happiness

It’s NOT impossible.

Trust CAN be restored.

Love CAN be rebuilt.

A marriage CAN survive an affair and become better than ever.

I wouldn’t claim so unless I was living proof of it.

You just need the right knowledge, and the willingness to make an effort.

I always recommend Dr. Gunzburg’s program, if only because it saved my marriage (at the last minute too…).

What do you think? will you ask your husband to sign the post affair agreement? Will you sign it too? Come back and tell me how it worked for you, I’m eager to hear how it has impacted your relationship!

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

Will you share this post? (Thank you!)

How to Survive Cheating

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

Comments

  1. KELLI says

    My husband has carried on several secret relationships with other women. I have found pictures in his phone. Some were where women had sent him text messages in lingerie, saying Hope you like this one baby. He has even recently bought another pay as you go phone so that he can look up pornography and dating sites. He did this because he knows I check his phone. I feel very unworthy, unloved and hopeless. I also feel like an idiot thinking that our marriage can be saved. His last little escapde of buying a phone to look these things up has just about pushed me over the edge.

    • says

      Kelli, this is truly awful. So if I get it right, he has no remorse for what he has done (and doing) and has not intention of stopping?

      I really think you don’t deserve to be treated like this. I think it’s amazing that you still hang in there and haven’t left him yet.

      Where do things stand now?

      • KELLI says

        I have actually just had a consultation with an attorney. It is about 8 years past time for me to be happy and stop feeling like a roommate. Our son thinks it is time too. He says his dad is never going to change. Time to get my joy back.

    • TK says

      Kelli – I’m in a similar situation. He says he loves me and wants to make our marriage work, but then he goes and does what he wants, and I’m supposed to be okay with it.

  2. HOPELESS IN GLENDALE says

    My husband cheated with his coworker, that I must add was a friend to both us. One that I trusted and allowed lunch dates and even sent lunch too. I bought baby shower and birthday gift and cards for her and her kids. She knew me I knew her. She knew my kids and my family and we all talked. then I noticed all the things changing is when I knew it was something just didn’t think it was her. It was 5months, that I found through a tracking device that I setup in his phone. They called each other baby. I wanted to kill her and him, but unfortunately for them I love my kids too much to lose them over worthless people. So I stayed and tried to work it out, now let me tell you that he still to this day works with. It was a year November 3. It has been the hardest year I can remember since losing my Dad and brother. I gave him all I got and more then I could by allowing this job to continue even after all the broken empty promises and his defendant actions when I asked about getting a new place of employment, even offered to help him just to see if he would want to help me close this wound that remains open everyday that he continues at this place. He has yet to try even asked that since it bothered me so badly that I be the one to look for a new place of employment, its not the same and I am crumbling because this one thing is obviously tearing us apart. It may seem ridiculous but how can you heal and move on if your living the scary movie everyday. Last weekend he threw it in my face that he was talking to her again, and as much more pain that it caused it just made me realize that I took all that I could with this year, he’s not going to change and I gave all that I could and tried and if that wasn’t good enough then he don’t deserve me. although I have to say I forgot to mention that he was drunk when he said this so he said way more hurtful things pertaining to it as well. He crushed and shattered my heart before the both of them did, but this cut to my core in my soul. I have since left him and live with my sister. He says he said the things he did out of anger just to hurt me and that he never meant any of it and that he loves me blah,blah,blah,blah, and its going to be a week tomorrow that we’re apart. he tries to be loving and cute but im not having it and I certainly don’t want him touching me after all the hurtful things more that he said. I don’t know what to do except make him do for me as I have always done for him. 16 years and 11 married. I feel as if I love him but not in love. I don’t try to lead him on at all when I talk to him. I am straight forward and he knows I mean business. Im not making it easy this time and Im not fixing it and making it go away like everything else. Not this time and im not ready to try yet. I want him to make right with the job and all those broken empty promises, if im worth it he will do it, if not then I wasted a lot of time and I will need to face that he will never change and that I need to move forward for myself and my kids. Such a sad thing.. so sad and so much pain and hurt. I don’t think even a miracle will save us. I have lost hope with him, we cant even talk without a argument coming out of it. I don’t know what to do… any advice???

    • says

      First, thank you for sharing your heart breaking story with me.
      I’m so sorry you have to go through this, what an awful back stabbing betrayal.
      I am all for healing and trying to save a marriage, even after cheating, but in your case I think he has gone too far.
      I am amazed by your strength and by the huge love you have for your kids, which led you to try and fix things as much as you did, but I think you’ve made the right move by leaving him.
      I would take all the time that I need and stay at your sister until he has changed his work place and cut all contact with the so-called friend of yours, and made anything and every effort to heal your relationship and regain your trust in him.
      If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. You can divorce on good terms and try to maintain a good relationship for the sake of your kids, who won’t be the first kids in a broken marriage.
      They will be fine.
      Hang in there, you are a strong and brave woman, and you and your kids deserve better.

      Lisa

  3. Reese says

    My husband first cheated while I was pregnant with my son. He was doing training b4 deployment and it just went downhill from there. Continued having affairs while deployed and the infidelity has been on and off for the past five years. We argue and he says…I love u…I’ll stop..but then goes right back to it. However, the last time we argued and he promised to stop, I asked him to sign an agreement that he would really stop. I told him that I was seriously going to leave if the contract was defaulted on. He of course didn’t take it seriously but did agree to go to counseling. Idk if it was the counseling, the contract, or God himself, but my husband finally started making an effort to change! He has now given me all passwords…even the social media ones. Has completely cut some of the social media and is even attending regular counseling. Now the hard part is…me! I still can’t seem to trust him and it seems like he’s really trying for real this time :-(

    • says

      Reese,

      First of all I’m glad to hear he finally got a grip and really trying to save your marriage. But I know, it doesn’t seem to be enough. The memory is like a scar that keeps getting open, fir the slightest things and it seems like you can’t control it no matter how hard you’re trying.

      If you want, there are a few “tricks” and techniques to get rid of the obsessive images and negative thoughts, that won’t allow you to heal and give a chance to your marriage.

      Here’s my post about that and I hope it helps:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/saving-a-marriage/

  4. Lisa says

    I am 8 months pregnant with my (ex) fiancé. I found texts and pictures in his phone of other women he’d been talking to, trying to date, and a couple he had sex with. When confronted he left and we have both blocked texts and calls from each other. I have cheated on him in the past and have said from now on I would give him full access to phone and social media. Now he has been doing it and I have told him that without full access trust can not be rebuilt. His response is I should trust without controlling him. Now I think I’m realizing that he doesn’t want to give up the other women. I do have access to his phone records but am blocked from his social media since he is picking up women on there. I am just really confused and I think I have to write him out of my life unless he signs the post affair agreement and follows the steps, which I don’t think he will do. Please help by telling me how to stand strong in requiring those things to be done, in the past I have just taken his word for things being better and it has still gotten me here. Thank you for all your help and good advice.

    • says

      Lisa,

      I’m so sorry you have to go through this while expecting a child. It’s probably the hardest thing ever.

      It seems to me that you’re right – Your fiance does not intend, at the moment to give up on other women, which is of course unacceptable on your side.

      You have 2 choices:

      1. To stand strong and let him know that he must sign and conform to the post-affair agreement or to leave.

      2. Accept that he may or may not keep cheating.

      If you need more help about talking to him about this, here’s my post about the most important questions to ask a cheating spouse, I think it will really help you talk to him:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/questions-to-ask-a-cheating-husband/

      Hang in there, don’t lose hope, you never know what tommorrow brings.

  5. Jack says

    Hey,

    I am the betrayer and we have, after almost two months, began to talk on better terms. She says she has hate and doesnt trust me – and if there’s no trust how can we move forward?

    I want to make amends. Ive explai ed it all, ended the affair and want to move forward. However she just wants to be friends, but wants to continue to include me in her life.

    Since all this, she has moved out and has apparently slept with a guy we both knew. She said it was for revenge and for her self-esteam. But really how do I begin to build this trust with her if she still has such hatred?

    Jack

    • Reese says

      Jack, I’m glad that you are trying to rebuild the relationship with your wife. That’s a great start. But healing takes time. Affairs are so devastating and they demolish all trust and self confidence. My husband began by agreeing to go to counseling and giving me all passwords. Even though I was hurt, angry and had no trust for him….the fact that he did those things gave me hope that he really was going to change. If you love her and don’t want to let her go, fight for her. Infidelity takes time…so does the restoring process. I wish you the best

  6. Mona says

    Dear Lisa,
    I found your webpage browsing different pages because just last week I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me various times. We are from two different countries and when I was away (visiting family and friends) he met women through different hook up pages (eg nostringsattached), to have sex with. He did not confess…I found out about it, because I found a secret Email of him on my Laptop (it saved itself, I didn’t go into his stuff or something like that). I always thought I would be the one running off right away once my boyfriend cheated on my, but I did not do it so far…acutally I am traying to work things out. I am obviously more than hurt, but finding your page, helped me a little seeing the future. Actually I read all of your posts acording the cheating topic and a lot of things apply to our situation: eg he gave me access to everything, let me read all of his mail and gave me access to everything. I asked him to change his phone number, which he is also willing to do. We talk a lot and I want to go to therapy with him. Since you write that you have a positive outcome of a cheating situation I wanted to ask you if you are happy now in a momogamous marriage or if you had to open up saying you are having an open marriage now? I am asking this because I wrote in other forums before and most people obviously said: “Leave him…he does not love you.” Other said: “He loves you but is not made for momogamy…you should consider an open relationship.” How do you think about all that? I asked him if he maybe is looking for an open relationship, but he said no. I am just afraid that he says it because it is what me expects him to say or maybe becuase he couldn’t handle the idea of me being with someone else. I would really appreciate reading from you, since I feel that I am at a point where I WANT to forgive him, but do not know if I CAN :(

    • says

      Mona,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how you feel.

      I feel that this kind of cheating is more “solvable” than an emotional affair, for example. He cheated, but he hasn’t fallen in love with someone else, nor did he have any intention to.
      The fact that he is cooperating and has agreed to be completely transparent is a very good sign. Mind you, most men do not agree to this very easily, since they plan on cheating again…

      Your spouse seems to really regret his actions and doesn’t seem to plan to do it again.

      I don’t think he wants an open relationship, if only because yes, he can’t stand thinking about you with another guy.

      Let me tell you the truth the way I see it: If you want to make sure that he doesn’t want to have sex with other women or even look at them, you won’t succeed.

      Deep down all men in long term relationships are attracted to other women and would love to have sex with multiple women if they could. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with a need to diversify.

      The bottom line is whether they do it or not.

      And I think your boyfriend wants to be faithful, for what it’s worth to you.

      I hope this helps and I wish you the very best.

      • Mona says

        Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Lisa. I myself see it the same way as you do…a romantic affair over a course of time, with feelings involved would be way worse. I think that is also why I see a way of working things out. I appreciate it so much of him for coming forward and giving me all his information, he even proposed to install a tracking device in his phone etc. Obviously I am still hurt and would love to talk about everything all the time, but I see that he reaches his limits on how strong to be in answering my questions etc. He just does not know what to say anymore because he knows that his words don’t count a lot right now and on top of everything he is hurt too…because he is so disappointed by himself. He said that me remindung him every 3 hours of what he did does not help, since he is really aware of what he did.
        I think I have to let go of it and try to “get back to normal for most of the time right now” right? I know we can’t make progress if I am the one holding us back because I am looking for answers to all of my questions. He was willing to answer a lot but I think getting too much into detail just hurts him more…and thinking about it I also really do not know if it would help me.
        I know that it is idealistic to think that no boyfriend would look at a beautiful women just because he has a girlfriend…some as I think it is normal and ok to watch pornograpic movies. But with all my heart I just hope that it stays at looking for the future.
        Thanks again for your reply and any further ideas and comments on how to go on with the situation are GREATLY appreciated!!!!

  7. Mona says

    I commented here earlier, but can’t find the comment any more…did it get deleted? Should I post again?
    Thank you

  8. KrystalAnn says

    Hi, Lisa –

    A friend alerted me that my boyfriend (of 11 months) was exchanging inappropriate Facebook messages with a mutual friend of theirs (who had bragged to my friend). He would call her “gorgeous” and send her kissy-face emoticons, send her selfies of him looking especially attractive (while he was dressed up for an event honoring my community accomplishments), and telling her that he would love to see her in a corset (as she had described).

    When I immediately confronted him about it, he owned up to it and clearly felt horrible. They had been meeting for months, as well as exchanging messages like that, but they had never done anything physical. I was still furious that he would be having that kind of exchange with someone while dating me, and that he was exchanging that kind of messaging with someone while I was having a very early miscarriage (that he knew about).

    He and I both cried and talked and spent the next two days together, working through it. He called her in front of me, that day, and let her know that their relationship was inappropriate and hurtful to me, and he let her know that he would be cutting all ties with her, and from the sound of the conversation, she agreed to everything that he said.

    It has been a week, and I am still getting that pit-of-my-stomach feeling every single time he reaches for his phone. He took off the little screen protector that wouldn’t let anyone see his screen, and he leaves his phone near me when he leaves the room, but I am so nervous and scared and angry at the idea of being treated like an idiot a second time. He has stated that he’ll give me as much time and support as I need to move forward, and he is extremely patient and open… but that feeling of terror is there.

    How do I move forward?

  9. says

    Krystal Ann,

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this, first of all.

    I think the the fact that you didn’t know this was going on for months behind your back is more hurtful and upsetting than what happened between them…right?

    He did all the right things and that is a good sign.. he really does regret his actions and is willing to do anything to make it right again, but you can’t trust him because you don’t know what would have happened if your friend didn’t let you know about it..

    I understand.

    I don’t know if this making you feel better, but rule #1 in recovering trust is to become fully transparent and from what you’ve described he is all the way there.

    With time, and as he continues to be transparent and patient, the feeling of terror will subside. More and more every week, until you won’t feel like this anymore, even if you can’t imagine it right now.
    It doesn’t mean that you’ll forget, or be reminded of it, but ut will happen less and less until you’ll realize you’ve learned to trust him again.
    Hang in there and try to have a little faith…not in him, in you, in your relationship, in the fact that a great new future is waiting for you, as of this moment on.

    I’m rooting for you..
    Lisa

    • says

      Veronica,

      Of course I’ll believe that’s what he can say, but I think that deep down it’s not the only reason. I think he believes that his relationship can be salvaged too.

  10. Louise says

    My husband of 19 years had a 3 month affair. I found out on July 15, 2014. I have been on a rollercoaster for the past few months. He ended the affair immediately! As far as I know they have not spoken or seen each other since. We have been trying to get things back to a more normal relationship. We have 3 beautiful children (6, 10, & 16). They are the reason I agreed to try. They love him so much and he is a good daddy!

    He was the love of my life. I trusted him to a fault! Everyone who knows about the affair, couldn’t believe it. They kept asking me if I was sure. Well, he admitted to it the morning he came home at 4:00am! He told me most everything, I am sure their are things I don’t know. At this point I think I know more than enough! So yes, I am sure!

    The woman said it never happened. She is/was married as well. Her husband lives in a different sate and was trying to find a place so she and her horses could move . I talked with him a few times and she called the police and told them I was harassing her and her husband. I asked him not to make contact with me. But if it ended up in divorce, my husband WOULD testify!

    I have days where I think things are ok. But some days are still bad. I am not sure if this will ever get better. I feel like I have lost my faith in everything. I am trying and he is trying even harder.

    At first I blamed myself. Now I know it wasn’t my fault. Yes, we should have worked on our problems, but I didn’t feel very loved either. And I didn’t have an affair. The though never even occurred to me! We haven’t had a great relationship the past few years. We never really fought or anything. We were just busy. We both work and the kids keep us busy. I just thought it was part of it. That things would get better. I never thought he would do something so hurtful! He said he didn’t feel loved. Even though we told each other daily that we loved each other! I have never been a touchy feely type of girl. He has always known that. But instead of trying to talk to me about his feelings, he used Facebook and texting to talk to an old high school girlfriend.

    He closed his Facebook, she de-friended him before he closed it. So I couldn’t see all of the messages they sent back and forth to each other. I have full access to his phone and e-mail. But I still have a problem with him leaving the house without me or one of the kids! When he does go somewhere, he calls to make sure I know where I am. He says he loves me and has always loved me, but I just don’t know how I can believe that after what he did to me! Our kids! Our family!!!

    Will it ever get easier?!

    • says

      Louise,

      Hang in there, because it really seems like you’re both on the right track and most importantly – Your husband seems completely regretfull about his actions and does everything to restore your trust.

      I think you can survive this and you’re on your way.

      Yes, it WILL be easier, just give it a little more time.

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