How to Restore the Trust After He Cheated (The Post Affair Agreement)

restore the trust (after he cheated)

Can you ever trust your (cheating) husband again?

Most people would say that it’s impossible to restore the trust after an affair. That if he did it once, he can do it again. That the foundation of the relationship is forever broken.

Is that what you believe too?

After all, he lied to you straight into your face, over and over again. He told you he was at work but he was actually with her. He told you he was out with his friends, but he was in the arms of another woman, while you were taken for a fool.

Is it Possible to Restore the Trust?

Trust is the foundation of any intimate relationship. Everything else grows out of the trust you have for one another: Your sense of safety, the feeling of companionship and even your love for one another depends on trust.

So even if you somehow manage to deal with unbelievable shock and pain caused by his affair, you will not be able to salvage your marriage without restoring the trust.

But no matter how hard you try, you can’t.

One night he comes home late from work and says he had a meeting, but you can’t for the life of you believe him completely.

And it’s more than normal.

But, it’s virtually impossible to try to heal from this crisis, communicate honestly and rebuild your marriage again when you’re constantly feeling suspicious and even paranoid, right?

The Most Critical Factor in Restoring the Trust

I’ve learned about the importance of transparency after an affair from Dr. Gunzburg’s “How to Survive an Affair” program, and it’s the most important thing you and your husband need to address right now, before it’s too late.

Your husband needs to understand that complete transparency is the only direct way to rebuilding your trust in him.

No more weird phone calls, no more evenings out without a call home, no more secret mails and social media accounts.

With time, complete transparency will bring the trust back to your relationship and make room for rebuilding the love.

But what is complete transparency?

The post affair agreement is a list of changes both of you agree to make (but especially the cheating spouse obviously), to start the process of rebuilding the trust in your relationship.

The Post Affair Agreement

1. My cell phone texts, contact list, pictures and calls are not a secret and can be viewed freely by my spouse. The cheating spouse will close out any e-mail accounts or telephone numbers associated with affair.

2. My Facebook account, including private messages, is not a secret and can be viewed anytime by my spouse.

3. I will not delete or hide any text message or Facebook message or e-mail of any kind.

4. I will let my spouse know exactly where I am at any point during the day. I will not make my spouse wonder where I am or what I’m doing.

5. I will call and explain in detail if I am to change my plans. For example, if I am going to be late from work – I will call before hand and explain.

6. If I go out socially without my spouse, I will let him/her exactly who I am going to meet and where.

7. I will try to share more about my work, new people who come into the office and conversations with colleagues (female and male).

8. I will make it a priority to be available on my cell phone when my spouse calls.

9. I will offer to share more about my life, the things that trouble me (or make me happy) – As much as possible.

Husband Signature Wife Signature

Why the Post Affair Agreement is Not Enough

It may take some time, but committing to the post affair agreement will slowly (yet effectively) restore the trust in your relationship, and in your heart.

But you can’t stop there.

Next, it’s time to really face your emotions and rebuild the love in your marriage, if you want to make it better than ever.

In the next sections of Dr. Gunzburg’s program, you will learn about how to rebuild the attention, the caring, the support and the stability in your marriage. And of course – The fun, the laughter and the happiness

It’s NOT impossible.

Trust CAN be restored.

Love CAN be rebuilt.

A marriage CAN survive an affair and become better than ever.

I wouldn’t claim so unless I was living proof of it.

You just need the right knowledge, and the willingness to make an effort.

I always recommend Dr. Gunzburg’s program, if only because it saved my marriage (at the last minute too…).

What do you think? Is it possible to restore the trust after an affair?

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

Will you share this post? (Thank you!)

How to Survive Cheating

Related Posts

5 Signs That You Can Start to Trust Your Husband Again

How to Cope with (and Overcome) Your HUsband’s Emotional Affair

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

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  1. My husband has carried on several secret relationships with other women. I have found pictures in his phone. Some were where women had sent him text messages in lingerie, saying Hope you like this one baby. He has even recently bought another pay as you go phone so that he can look up pornography and dating sites. He did this because he knows I check his phone. I feel very unworthy, unloved and hopeless. I also feel like an idiot thinking that our marriage can be saved. His last little escapde of buying a phone to look these things up has just about pushed me over the edge.

    • Kelli, this is truly awful. So if I get it right, he has no remorse for what he has done (and doing) and has not intention of stopping?

      I really think you don’t deserve to be treated like this. I think it’s amazing that you still hang in there and haven’t left him yet.

      Where do things stand now?

      • I have actually just had a consultation with an attorney. It is about 8 years past time for me to be happy and stop feeling like a roommate. Our son thinks it is time too. He says his dad is never going to change. Time to get my joy back.

    • Kelli – I’m in a similar situation. He says he loves me and wants to make our marriage work, but then he goes and does what he wants, and I’m supposed to be okay with it.

  2. My husband cheated with his coworker, that I must add was a friend to both us. One that I trusted and allowed lunch dates and even sent lunch too. I bought baby shower and birthday gift and cards for her and her kids. She knew me I knew her. She knew my kids and my family and we all talked. then I noticed all the things changing is when I knew it was something just didn’t think it was her. It was 5months, that I found through a tracking device that I setup in his phone. They called each other baby. I wanted to kill her and him, but unfortunately for them I love my kids too much to lose them over worthless people. So I stayed and tried to work it out, now let me tell you that he still to this day works with. It was a year November 3. It has been the hardest year I can remember since losing my Dad and brother. I gave him all I got and more then I could by allowing this job to continue even after all the broken empty promises and his defendant actions when I asked about getting a new place of employment, even offered to help him just to see if he would want to help me close this wound that remains open everyday that he continues at this place. He has yet to try even asked that since it bothered me so badly that I be the one to look for a new place of employment, its not the same and I am crumbling because this one thing is obviously tearing us apart. It may seem ridiculous but how can you heal and move on if your living the scary movie everyday. Last weekend he threw it in my face that he was talking to her again, and as much more pain that it caused it just made me realize that I took all that I could with this year, he’s not going to change and I gave all that I could and tried and if that wasn’t good enough then he don’t deserve me. although I have to say I forgot to mention that he was drunk when he said this so he said way more hurtful things pertaining to it as well. He crushed and shattered my heart before the both of them did, but this cut to my core in my soul. I have since left him and live with my sister. He says he said the things he did out of anger just to hurt me and that he never meant any of it and that he loves me blah,blah,blah,blah, and its going to be a week tomorrow that we’re apart. he tries to be loving and cute but im not having it and I certainly don’t want him touching me after all the hurtful things more that he said. I don’t know what to do except make him do for me as I have always done for him. 16 years and 11 married. I feel as if I love him but not in love. I don’t try to lead him on at all when I talk to him. I am straight forward and he knows I mean business. Im not making it easy this time and Im not fixing it and making it go away like everything else. Not this time and im not ready to try yet. I want him to make right with the job and all those broken empty promises, if im worth it he will do it, if not then I wasted a lot of time and I will need to face that he will never change and that I need to move forward for myself and my kids. Such a sad thing.. so sad and so much pain and hurt. I don’t think even a miracle will save us. I have lost hope with him, we cant even talk without a argument coming out of it. I don’t know what to do… any advice???

    • First, thank you for sharing your heart breaking story with me.
      I’m so sorry you have to go through this, what an awful back stabbing betrayal.
      I am all for healing and trying to save a marriage, even after cheating, but in your case I think he has gone too far.
      I am amazed by your strength and by the huge love you have for your kids, which led you to try and fix things as much as you did, but I think you’ve made the right move by leaving him.
      I would take all the time that I need and stay at your sister until he has changed his work place and cut all contact with the so-called friend of yours, and made anything and every effort to heal your relationship and regain your trust in him.
      If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. You can divorce on good terms and try to maintain a good relationship for the sake of your kids, who won’t be the first kids in a broken marriage.
      They will be fine.
      Hang in there, you are a strong and brave woman, and you and your kids deserve better.

      Lisa

  3. My husband first cheated while I was pregnant with my son. He was doing training b4 deployment and it just went downhill from there. Continued having affairs while deployed and the infidelity has been on and off for the past five years. We argue and he says…I love u…I’ll stop..but then goes right back to it. However, the last time we argued and he promised to stop, I asked him to sign an agreement that he would really stop. I told him that I was seriously going to leave if the contract was defaulted on. He of course didn’t take it seriously but did agree to go to counseling. Idk if it was the counseling, the contract, or God himself, but my husband finally started making an effort to change! He has now given me all passwords…even the social media ones. Has completely cut some of the social media and is even attending regular counseling. Now the hard part is…me! I still can’t seem to trust him and it seems like he’s really trying for real this time :-(

    • Reese,

      First of all I’m glad to hear he finally got a grip and really trying to save your marriage. But I know, it doesn’t seem to be enough. The memory is like a scar that keeps getting open, fir the slightest things and it seems like you can’t control it no matter how hard you’re trying.

      If you want, there are a few “tricks” and techniques to get rid of the obsessive images and negative thoughts, that won’t allow you to heal and give a chance to your marriage.

      Here’s my post about that and I hope it helps:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/saving-a-marriage/

  4. I am 8 months pregnant with my (ex) fiancé. I found texts and pictures in his phone of other women he’d been talking to, trying to date, and a couple he had sex with. When confronted he left and we have both blocked texts and calls from each other. I have cheated on him in the past and have said from now on I would give him full access to phone and social media. Now he has been doing it and I have told him that without full access trust can not be rebuilt. His response is I should trust without controlling him. Now I think I’m realizing that he doesn’t want to give up the other women. I do have access to his phone records but am blocked from his social media since he is picking up women on there. I am just really confused and I think I have to write him out of my life unless he signs the post affair agreement and follows the steps, which I don’t think he will do. Please help by telling me how to stand strong in requiring those things to be done, in the past I have just taken his word for things being better and it has still gotten me here. Thank you for all your help and good advice.

    • Lisa,

      I’m so sorry you have to go through this while expecting a child. It’s probably the hardest thing ever.

      It seems to me that you’re right – Your fiance does not intend, at the moment to give up on other women, which is of course unacceptable on your side.

      You have 2 choices:

      1. To stand strong and let him know that he must sign and conform to the post-affair agreement or to leave.

      2. Accept that he may or may not keep cheating.

      If you need more help about talking to him about this, here’s my post about the most important questions to ask a cheating spouse, I think it will really help you talk to him:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/questions-to-ask-a-cheating-husband/

      Hang in there, don’t lose hope, you never know what tommorrow brings.

  5. Hey,

    I am the betrayer and we have, after almost two months, began to talk on better terms. She says she has hate and doesnt trust me – and if there’s no trust how can we move forward?

    I want to make amends. Ive explai ed it all, ended the affair and want to move forward. However she just wants to be friends, but wants to continue to include me in her life.

    Since all this, she has moved out and has apparently slept with a guy we both knew. She said it was for revenge and for her self-esteam. But really how do I begin to build this trust with her if she still has such hatred?

    Jack

    • Jack, I’m glad that you are trying to rebuild the relationship with your wife. That’s a great start. But healing takes time. Affairs are so devastating and they demolish all trust and self confidence. My husband began by agreeing to go to counseling and giving me all passwords. Even though I was hurt, angry and had no trust for him….the fact that he did those things gave me hope that he really was going to change. If you love her and don’t want to let her go, fight for her. Infidelity takes time…so does the restoring process. I wish you the best

  6. Dear Lisa,
    I found your webpage browsing different pages because just last week I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me various times. We are from two different countries and when I was away (visiting family and friends) he met women through different hook up pages (eg nostringsattached), to have sex with. He did not confess…I found out about it, because I found a secret Email of him on my Laptop (it saved itself, I didn’t go into his stuff or something like that). I always thought I would be the one running off right away once my boyfriend cheated on my, but I did not do it so far…acutally I am traying to work things out. I am obviously more than hurt, but finding your page, helped me a little seeing the future. Actually I read all of your posts acording the cheating topic and a lot of things apply to our situation: eg he gave me access to everything, let me read all of his mail and gave me access to everything. I asked him to change his phone number, which he is also willing to do. We talk a lot and I want to go to therapy with him. Since you write that you have a positive outcome of a cheating situation I wanted to ask you if you are happy now in a momogamous marriage or if you had to open up saying you are having an open marriage now? I am asking this because I wrote in other forums before and most people obviously said: “Leave him…he does not love you.” Other said: “He loves you but is not made for momogamy…you should consider an open relationship.” How do you think about all that? I asked him if he maybe is looking for an open relationship, but he said no. I am just afraid that he says it because it is what me expects him to say or maybe becuase he couldn’t handle the idea of me being with someone else. I would really appreciate reading from you, since I feel that I am at a point where I WANT to forgive him, but do not know if I CAN :(

    • Mona,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this, I know how you feel.

      I feel that this kind of cheating is more “solvable” than an emotional affair, for example. He cheated, but he hasn’t fallen in love with someone else, nor did he have any intention to.
      The fact that he is cooperating and has agreed to be completely transparent is a very good sign. Mind you, most men do not agree to this very easily, since they plan on cheating again…

      Your spouse seems to really regret his actions and doesn’t seem to plan to do it again.

      I don’t think he wants an open relationship, if only because yes, he can’t stand thinking about you with another guy.

      Let me tell you the truth the way I see it: If you want to make sure that he doesn’t want to have sex with other women or even look at them, you won’t succeed.

      Deep down all men in long term relationships are attracted to other women and would love to have sex with multiple women if they could. It has nothing to do with love. It has to do with a need to diversify.

      The bottom line is whether they do it or not.

      And I think your boyfriend wants to be faithful, for what it’s worth to you.

      I hope this helps and I wish you the very best.

      • Thank you for your thoughtful reply, Lisa. I myself see it the same way as you do…a romantic affair over a course of time, with feelings involved would be way worse. I think that is also why I see a way of working things out. I appreciate it so much of him for coming forward and giving me all his information, he even proposed to install a tracking device in his phone etc. Obviously I am still hurt and would love to talk about everything all the time, but I see that he reaches his limits on how strong to be in answering my questions etc. He just does not know what to say anymore because he knows that his words don’t count a lot right now and on top of everything he is hurt too…because he is so disappointed by himself. He said that me remindung him every 3 hours of what he did does not help, since he is really aware of what he did.
        I think I have to let go of it and try to “get back to normal for most of the time right now” right? I know we can’t make progress if I am the one holding us back because I am looking for answers to all of my questions. He was willing to answer a lot but I think getting too much into detail just hurts him more…and thinking about it I also really do not know if it would help me.
        I know that it is idealistic to think that no boyfriend would look at a beautiful women just because he has a girlfriend…some as I think it is normal and ok to watch pornograpic movies. But with all my heart I just hope that it stays at looking for the future.
        Thanks again for your reply and any further ideas and comments on how to go on with the situation are GREATLY appreciated!!!!

  7. I commented here earlier, but can’t find the comment any more…did it get deleted? Should I post again?
    Thank you

  8. Hi, Lisa –

    A friend alerted me that my boyfriend (of 11 months) was exchanging inappropriate Facebook messages with a mutual friend of theirs (who had bragged to my friend). He would call her “gorgeous” and send her kissy-face emoticons, send her selfies of him looking especially attractive (while he was dressed up for an event honoring my community accomplishments), and telling her that he would love to see her in a corset (as she had described).

    When I immediately confronted him about it, he owned up to it and clearly felt horrible. They had been meeting for months, as well as exchanging messages like that, but they had never done anything physical. I was still furious that he would be having that kind of exchange with someone while dating me, and that he was exchanging that kind of messaging with someone while I was having a very early miscarriage (that he knew about).

    He and I both cried and talked and spent the next two days together, working through it. He called her in front of me, that day, and let her know that their relationship was inappropriate and hurtful to me, and he let her know that he would be cutting all ties with her, and from the sound of the conversation, she agreed to everything that he said.

    It has been a week, and I am still getting that pit-of-my-stomach feeling every single time he reaches for his phone. He took off the little screen protector that wouldn’t let anyone see his screen, and he leaves his phone near me when he leaves the room, but I am so nervous and scared and angry at the idea of being treated like an idiot a second time. He has stated that he’ll give me as much time and support as I need to move forward, and he is extremely patient and open… but that feeling of terror is there.

    How do I move forward?

  9. Krystal Ann,

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this, first of all.

    I think the the fact that you didn’t know this was going on for months behind your back is more hurtful and upsetting than what happened between them…right?

    He did all the right things and that is a good sign.. he really does regret his actions and is willing to do anything to make it right again, but you can’t trust him because you don’t know what would have happened if your friend didn’t let you know about it..

    I understand.

    I don’t know if this making you feel better, but rule #1 in recovering trust is to become fully transparent and from what you’ve described he is all the way there.

    With time, and as he continues to be transparent and patient, the feeling of terror will subside. More and more every week, until you won’t feel like this anymore, even if you can’t imagine it right now.
    It doesn’t mean that you’ll forget, or be reminded of it, but ut will happen less and less until you’ll realize you’ve learned to trust him again.
    Hang in there and try to have a little faith…not in him, in you, in your relationship, in the fact that a great new future is waiting for you, as of this moment on.

    I’m rooting for you..
    Lisa

    • Veronica,

      Of course I’ll believe that’s what he can say, but I think that deep down it’s not the only reason. I think he believes that his relationship can be salvaged too.

  10. My husband of 19 years had a 3 month affair. I found out on July 15, 2014. I have been on a rollercoaster for the past few months. He ended the affair immediately! As far as I know they have not spoken or seen each other since. We have been trying to get things back to a more normal relationship. We have 3 beautiful children (6, 10, & 16). They are the reason I agreed to try. They love him so much and he is a good daddy!

    He was the love of my life. I trusted him to a fault! Everyone who knows about the affair, couldn’t believe it. They kept asking me if I was sure. Well, he admitted to it the morning he came home at 4:00am! He told me most everything, I am sure their are things I don’t know. At this point I think I know more than enough! So yes, I am sure!

    The woman said it never happened. She is/was married as well. Her husband lives in a different sate and was trying to find a place so she and her horses could move . I talked with him a few times and she called the police and told them I was harassing her and her husband. I asked him not to make contact with me. But if it ended up in divorce, my husband WOULD testify!

    I have days where I think things are ok. But some days are still bad. I am not sure if this will ever get better. I feel like I have lost my faith in everything. I am trying and he is trying even harder.

    At first I blamed myself. Now I know it wasn’t my fault. Yes, we should have worked on our problems, but I didn’t feel very loved either. And I didn’t have an affair. The though never even occurred to me! We haven’t had a great relationship the past few years. We never really fought or anything. We were just busy. We both work and the kids keep us busy. I just thought it was part of it. That things would get better. I never thought he would do something so hurtful! He said he didn’t feel loved. Even though we told each other daily that we loved each other! I have never been a touchy feely type of girl. He has always known that. But instead of trying to talk to me about his feelings, he used Facebook and texting to talk to an old high school girlfriend.

    He closed his Facebook, she de-friended him before he closed it. So I couldn’t see all of the messages they sent back and forth to each other. I have full access to his phone and e-mail. But I still have a problem with him leaving the house without me or one of the kids! When he does go somewhere, he calls to make sure I know where I am. He says he loves me and has always loved me, but I just don’t know how I can believe that after what he did to me! Our kids! Our family!!!

    Will it ever get easier?!

    • Louise,

      Hang in there, because it really seems like you’re both on the right track and most importantly – Your husband seems completely regretfull about his actions and does everything to restore your trust.

      I think you can survive this and you’re on your way.

      Yes, it WILL be easier, just give it a little more time.

  11. Well for starters, reading all these stories on here gives me a heavy heart. I can’t imagine the pain and anxiety it must be to learn your spouse has been unfaithful. I’m 20 years old, I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 9 months now. My story is not near as awful or heartbreaking as some of the ones I’ve read here but I’m going to ask for some advice anyhow.. In the beginning before we were even dating, a good friend of mine who I almost dated at one point, he ‘warned’ me about my now boyfriend saying he had the reputation for talking to a lot of girls. I’ve never been one to sit around and wonder about something or keep it to myself if it truly bothered me so of course I asked my boyfriend about it. (This was still before we were officially together) His explanation was that yes he had been single for over a year and talked to multiple girls at a time but stopped once we began talking and hanging out. I was in the happy go lucky stage of our soon to be relationship so I was blindly trying to see the best in every situation and quickly let that little mishap go. Well as we grew more comfortable together, our first big fight was because this girl who I know likes him would message him on Twitter and I happened to see some of the conversation because his phone was open, and he had said something like “I need more girls like you in my life.” Yeah so we argued over that, fast forward.. The last one and a half to two months, we have argued a lot. He’s 23, I’m 20 so we both are actively on social media quite a bit. Snapchat lets you see who someone else’s top friends are (who they interact with most frequently) and it is ALWAYS other girls. One girl is always on there, and occasionally there’s new names I haven’t heard of as well. We argue about that. I went to go set a goofy picture of us we had taken, as his background on his phone (he was right there looking over my shoulder so it’s not like I was snooping through his pics) and I saw a picture of his ex gf that she had snapchatted him. He obviously screenshot it so it would save to his pictures. Of course we argued.. A few weeks ago I did something I absolutely swore I would never do. I went through his phone while he was sleeping. He had been facetiming (it’s like Skype but for iPhones specifically) some girl 5 or 6 states away.. Happens to be the same girl in his snapchat top friends, and they are Facebook friends. (Yes I did some investigating.) I pretty much said I was done and I didn’t need to put up with this crap any longer. Easier said than done. I felt so hurt and angry. This was my first relationship ever. And I mean ever. My first love, the man I lost my virginity to.. (Which I had originally been saving for marriage, I have so much guilt and regret about this as well right now.) We have been civil the past couple days but I have never felt so hurt.. He always says I’m making a huge deal out of things. He’s to the point where every time we fight and argue, he just says we should break up. Yet, I’m the one who is fighting for this relationship.. :( Back when things were going great, we both talked of a future together and marriage later down the road.. It’s so hard for me to say okay let’s throw everything out the window, none of it matters now.. It doesn’t help that we live 2.5 hours apart. We see each other often. (Usually 3 weekends a month) We had plans of moving closer to one another as well depending on how a few things with our careers panned out. To an outsider with much more experience, I’m sure my story seems petty and your simple explanation is “Break up with him.” My friends already tell me this. But my friends also say that they have no room to talk because they’ve been in relationships before where they stuck around knowing they deserved better. It’s hard, I truly love this guy and I want to see the best in him. I’ve lost so much trust for him and that’s so hard on this relationship, especially with the physical distance. I have been avoiding admitting this to myself, but deep down I think I know we shouldn’t be together anymore.. :( I’ve went through so many changes this year, new college, living in a new town, a new house, new full time job that I’m unhappy with, now with things being rocky with us, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I pray for blessings and change and I know God is with me on this journey but I’m having trouble trying to make a decision. Any respectful input would be appreciated.. Thank you ahead of time.

  12. Jessica,

    I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been put through and put up with. I don’t know how to say this without being blunt and direct. I apologize if I come off as harsh it’s not my intention to be hurtful just tell you straight forward. My husband whom I’ve been with for 16yrs and now married for 12 did this to me with his coworker. It was a rough terrible 2yrs. November 3, 2012 is a day that haunts to this day. It’s hard to get over and let go of. If your 9months in and going through this much. I understand first love, first everything, and that the love will always stay with you. 9months in is not worth this much pain and heartache. Honestly, if love is true and worth the fight you’ll figure away to figure it out, but this jus seems like he’s a selfish jerk that don’t care anything about your feelings or what he’s done to you. Your both very young. Give it a break go your own ways and later if your roads bring you back to each other than i would give it your all being completely open all on the table and see what God hands you then. For now, your young and seem to be a good young woman with a good head on her should and beautiful heart. Give yourself the chance to live before you pour everything into this guy who for sure hurt you this way again. It’s not worth the arguments! Love yourself more and love your life enough to live before you try to give anymore of yourself to someone undeserving of all you have to offer. I hope that I was of some kind of assistance and not to harsh. Many blessing and wishes of love, faith, hope, and prosperity for a wonderful new year and new beginning!! Take special care and be strong Jessica! I believe In your..

  13. What if the outcome of that affair that you forgave cane a child that he new about and you find out when she emails you telling you they share a child. Yet when getting back together nothing says said. He says he didn’t know but she says he’s actually seen him. I need advise in going crazy. It hurts more than when I caught him cheating.

    • Kim,
      I’m sorry for that girl. I wish I could tell you something to take to your pain away, or advise in some way but I don’t. The only thing I can say is that if you feel strong enough to stay with him through the infidelity and it’s worth it; then make the most of what you can and NAKE it work.

      • I’m sorry It sent before I could stop it. My point is make the most of it and make it work. If you feel you can’t handle it than leave. Honestly, everything is always easier said than done and it’s truly up to you, but you seem to be a strong woman. Look inside yourself for the answer because I know you already know what you want and have to do. Your teally the only one that can answer that question. I’m sorry for what your going through, but I wish you the best. Pray to God for guidance. He will guide you. Many blessing to you and your choice I pray it is exactly what you want to do. If it is meant to be God will make your paths find each other again, or give you the strength to endure. I wish you many blessings with much strength and prosperity. God bless you Kim.

  14. My husband and I went through a really rough few years and during that time he reached out to an x girlfriend, from high school!

    I found out by finding a suggestive e-mail between them. He told me he had reached out to her during our time of duress because he felt so alone. She had told my husband that she would tell her husband that they were having a friendly coffee , my husband said he would not tell me.

    It’s been three years since the start of this relationship. He made promises that he would not speak to her anymore and then I would find an e-mail or text between them. It was at those times that he would say things were not good between us and that she was the one keeping him from jumping off the figurative cliff. Of course we didn’t have conversations stating that he was unhappy or that we needed to something different, he would just pick the phone up and call her.

    I have finally gotten to the point where I realize it’s not me, I am not the reason he keeps in touch with her, he just can’t let go of her. He has told me that he will keep in touch with her and that he will not tell me about it.

    When I ask him if he has spoken to her he gets very defensive and is quite talented at turning the conversation back on me and my failings in life, such as telling me I am not a good mother. He claims it’s been a “while” since he has spoken to her.

    I love my husband and if I had my choice I would choose “us”.

    What can I do to make it clear to him that this is exhausting and that its time for him to make his choice. We have had similar conversations about this, I just don’t think he realizes how serious this is to me. He claims he loves no one as deeply a he does me, honestly I can’t totally believe him. How can he say such a thing and continue with a relationship that is inappropriate and continues to cause such duress between us?

    Do I have to go so far as to see a lawyer? Honestly I don’t see that he would ever agree to be completely transparent with me. He gets so angry if I even touch his phone, you don’t trust me, is his statement every time. It makes me feel terrible that I don’t trust him, but with his statements “I will not stop talking to her, I will not tell you and she keeps me from jumping off the cliff”. And of course the statement that whenever I bring this up that I am the one keeping all of this alive.

    So what if it is over between them and I am the one keeping it alive? How do I move on? Is it his responsibility to find a way to “fix” it?

    I feel hopeless and exhausted.

  15. I was just wondering if it is odd that in order for me to feel closure on my husband’s affair, that I need all of the details. Names(it happened 5 times), the when and where? We have been.working on this for over a year but I still can’t stop wondering.
    Thanks for the insight.

      • Thank you Lisa. It does help. Sometimes I can feel very alone in this.
        My problem is my husband is often at events with lots of people and I want to know who these women were so I am not feeling like a fool standing there talking to one of them.
        We have come a long way. But I know healing takes time. It would have been easier if it was only once but multiple times I just don’t understand that.
        Thank you for your honesty.
        Anne

  16. Reading these stories it’s prompted me to write and seek guidance… my husband and I had an amazing marriage until about 2 years ago… we had a child and it seemed that our connection or the way we treated each other, in the sense of longing for eachother, being each others best friends changed. I started to feel unloved, unwanted, feeling inadequate. I started to have feelings for a coworker… I didn’t lie to my husband about this and was up front. I felt completely terrible for it and the thought of losing him and my family was completely upsetting to me. After this the trust for me was completely gone… I understand that… but my husband also had a major drinking problem… our communication was non-existent to the point where we communicated about our problems through text message. He would want sex when he The verbal towards eachother got worse. I just wanted to love my husband and get back to where we once were… but I had broken him. Then in may 2014 I left as I couldn’t bare to feel what I was feeling even after trying but also being called names that broke me down. I’ve been out 9 months…. this was supposed to be a “break” for us to recollect and come back together… he was in counseling and I am still in counseling to cope and make me into a better person for our marriage… the goal and it always was my goal was to reunite….we still did family things with us and our daughter… but then i noticed the way he spoke with me changed and the way he responded to me….i recently found out he’s dating someone who is 23years old and he’s 37years old. Broke me so much the pain was so unbareable. I now understood what he felt… but with me I wanted to fix us… I’m still wanting to fix us and our marriage (we are legally married still) I’ve told him I loved him so much still and am willing to do anything for us…. but nothing seems to have him come back. In the beginning of janurary he said he wanted a legal separation… i said why not the divorce, thats where its going to lead to anyways… but nothing has happened… he wanted to see a mediator together… nothing yet. I dont know what he wants or if hes confused… he blames me for everything that went wrong… yes I have a part in it but I’m not the only one. In a sense trust was broken and lost on both parts now. I forgive him and am praying Jesus can help us. I haven’t been with anyone intimately since him, before I left last may… and he’s with her… exchanging I love yous, having her around our daughter…. it eats my insides and hurts to where I cry on a daily basis. I know he doesnt love her… its him feeling young and not having responsibility… he loves that feeling…i pray and ask for guidance and for jesus to fix us. I’m willing and ready to give any amount of time and fight for the rest of my life for my family and the love of my life. I wish he would forgive me as I’ve forgiven him…. everyone is telling me to leave him alone and act as though i’ve moved on with my life… this will make im wonder and have him wanting me back…. I’m also praying everyday and night for restoration and a Miarcle. For awhile I didn’t wear my wedding ring for the pain I felt… but now I do…. some people are saying to not wear it as it may push him away… I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to lose my family and husband to a person who isn’t going to stick around any way. Any suggestions or advice would be gratefully appreciated.

  17. Hurting in NY,

    I’m so very sorry for all your going through. I wish I could help some how or just completely take away your pain. Your honesty took courage. His unwillingness to see it as means for away to communicate and try to find the path back to what took you apart in hopes to travel down it together. I think you did the right thing I commend you on your brave choice. I must say I dont know of anyone that can really say that they loved someone that much to reach out and say, “hey, I’m having feelings and falling away! Help me, help us get back to where we once were”. I hope that one day he can see that was your cru for help not a desire to jump ship. I wish I could say that time will apart would help, but obviously time has made him wander. I guess maybe if you try to give yourself the time to live not necessarily going out and becoming intimate with anyone, but just try to find yourself again build yourself up. Go to the spa to relax, go get your hair, your nails, and your pedi did. Try to step outside the regular or normality that you know and follow. Do something crazy that is u like yourself just see how you feel. He may took notice that there’s sonething different. He see in you what he once saw before because you took a walk on the wild side when you let your hair down and painted the town all the colors of the rainbow. Maybe it’s not the age or the “love” of the other woman that has anything to do with anything, but just he don’t know how to reach back to find who he once was and don’t see you as someone he knows the way he used too. Nothing has to be as it was because obviously that’s what made you fall away. Changing things around in yourself may help him see and also help you find who you really are now as a person at this time in your life. Than maybe the relationship you hope to find with him once more will be something better than before wether it is together or apart. Either way you were able to find yourself again and he can learn to forgive you as you forgive yourself. Your always going to be a family. Your always going to have a special bond. Your always going to love each other even if it is not the way you wanted it to work out. Although, I really hope that it is. Just keep your faith and let the stones fall into place so you can see the steps you need to take, and the road that awaits you. Love yourself to the fullest and don’t be afraid to put yourself first once in awhile. Your always going to be there for your baby. Its going to take awhile, but things will come into focus. You will know when the time is right, and things will work out. You take care of yourself and keep on praying he will answer. Breathe..

    • Hopeless in glendale…
      Ur message made me cry. It was very inspiring and made me think of things to do for myself…. still having the hope. Then I got back to where I am staying and had a text message from him… saying he made an appointment with a mediator for March 9. As soon as I read that I was and felt completely crushed. I couldn’t breathe or talk. I called him for information regarding this unwanted appointment and I was crying… needless to say I tried telling him that I want my family and marriage, he said I had my chance and this end result of our marriage was because of me but in actuality it’s from both of us. I told him that I don’t is girlfriend feels good about herself for ruining a marriage, taking something away from us, the hope and love of us… he said I wasn’t doing anything to change the situation. I said Ur with someone, it’s not like I can just move back home with her and no him being there… in a nut she’ll he said we were done, to not be married anymore… that completely broke me… I cried for hours and hours. How can someone not love the person that they felt so completely connected with for years… I’m going to continue to pray for our restoration in our marriage. I don’t want anyone else… but at this moment I have no decision making rights. What would you do?

  18. I just found out that my husband whom I have been with over 5 years but just married July 2014, was having an affair with a woman he met at a bar. Our sex life has not been good and the other day he left his email open for me to send some papers for work. Because of how denied, unwanted and just unloved I have been feeling I went through his email. I found an email from the woman he had been having an affair with. Describing how he made her feel things they would do just everything. There were other emails of naked pictures of her. I forwarded them all to myself and deleted them all from his email. When I first asked him about her he acted like he didn’t know her but eventually came clean. He says it meant nothing and ended it January 2014. He claims he hasn’t seen her or spoke to her since and wishes he could take it all back. How can I move forward or forgive a relationship that he claims was only sex. It lasted 3+ years. Its not like it happened once he went back for more and in turn denied me and caused our relationship problems. This isn’t the first time he has cheated and I am really unsure what to do.

    • Misty,

      I’m so sorry about this, how awful.

      Unfortunately, your husband seems like a serial cheater to me, especially if it’s not the first time he has done this and now it’s been going on for 3 years.
      Here’s my post about how to know if your husband is a serial cheater and what to do about it, I hope it helps if just a little bit..

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/serial-cheater/

      • I read through your suggested article he hasn’t tried to deny me from asking question, nor has he been avoiding answering them. He has informed me that he wad in a weird place and woke up and realized everything he wanted in a woman and life was right in front of him. When he responds or I ask a question I haven’t been like oh that’s ok I have been very honest and blunt. He said he felt very dirty and I said you should. At this time he says he is willing to go to counseling but like you pointed out I feel like he is a serial cheater and I am questioning why I married him. For over a year I thought things were fine. I had put previous encounters he had done in the past. To see something new and to see it had lasted so long and up until 5 months before we were married is what bothers me most. He keeps claiming that it hasn’t happened since and has cut off everything but its hard because he works on the slope. So he is gone for 3 weeks and home for 3 weeks. I work full time. So now all I think I does he still talk to her at work and now when I’m working and he says he is running errands is he really or is he having sec with her. I am just so confused. He keeps sending me messages saying he will do anything and he loves me so much but I haven’t really responded. I just didn’t think I would have to deal with this again let alone now that we are married. I’m just so lost and confused.

  19. Hi, I really thought that I was the only one searching for help in trusting him again. I’ve been with my boyfriend 7yrs now. We were living together however he moved out because his daughter didn’t want to be around my children and I do to her mother planting negative thoughts. I wasn’t happy about this but I said ok it’s for your daughter. She visited we all got together everything was good. Now, for a while I’ve had a strange gut feeling that he could be cheating. Well I rarely ever drive to his house. This day I was on the phn with him I told him I was going over he said ok but u know I have to be at work at 4am I said its ok I’ll come home. I called him said I was on my way,, he said I’m getting in the shower then going to bed if I fall asleep. I said leave the door open. I get there I call him after knocking he doesn’t answer he doesn’t open the door, instead I hear a women of course I was shocked/devastated how could he he didn’t open the door, I knocked on his room window front door nothing. I can hear walking back & forth. I heard her say I’ve been here 2months & every time we fight u run back to her, meaning me. He called the cops he came out once the cops arrived, first thing he says its a wrap I told u to just go home didn’t i, I told him how could u do this to me. I started crying. I left , he contacted me a week or so later saying how he was so sorry for doing this and that he loved me. I’ve been so hurt words can’t describe. I had to hear him for my own closure. I texted him made him aware that I’m not angry I’m just so hurt by everything. Two years ago he kept driving out of town & my gut feeling then said he was cheating. He says he wasn’t but I think differently. I stayed with him. So I contacted him I said I wasn’t angry I was heartbroken just so broken

  20. Now even though physically my husband has never cheated on me it feels like he has over and over again. Whenever we were engaged he made fake accounts to talk to other women and hid them from me and I didn’t find out until we were married. Then after that I caught him doing it again and also found out he had been talking to his ex girlfriend. It was devastating so I got on a flight the day I found out and went home (24 hour drive to put in perspective how far away home is). I felt like nothing worthlessness basically. While at the airport he came and begged me to come home but I couldn’t so I went home only to come back about a week later because he really seemed like he wanted to change. So j came back but he did it again and I caught him about 2 months later and then I just caught him talking to a girl about a month ago and made another fake account. I’m so emotionally drained and ruined from it all and I don’t know what to do. I feel like my entire world is completely collapsed. The man I gave up everything for just ruined my entire trust and self worth for myself is what it feels like. And the very worst part is I’m 7 months pregnant. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my very best to make this work but I don’t know how or what else to do. He says that he doesn’t know why he does these things or why it happens but I don’t know how to even comprehend that as an explanation.

  21. Jessica,

    I think you may find this a too short of an answer, but I think he really doesn’t know why he is doing this, it sounds like a form of addiction to me, coming from a deep personal problem which should be treated professionally by a therapist.

    I’ll bet he’ll agree to see one and that would be the most urgent thing I’d if I were you. He needs treatment. And I’m sure you can work this out during and after it.

  22. My husband of 10 years is divorcing me. We have three young children. He says the past two years have been hard on him because I didn’t care about him, which is a lie. pensive womanI love him. I have always loved him.

    The past two years he’s worked 80 hours a week while I was a stay-at-home mom. He resented working so much to sustain our lifestyle and I resented him for never being here. He believes divorce is what he needs to be a better father because he takes out his anger on the kids.

    We never had a conversation about any of this until he decided to leave. I don’t know what to do because I know divorce is never good for children.

    He thinks I am using him for his money, but I have been with him through medical school, residency and now private practice. I worked the first years of our marriage while he was in school, so that statement is not true.

    We separated 15 months ago. A year ago he filed for divorce but we are still married. He never gave me a true reason why he left. Two months ago, I found out he proposed to someone early last year. The girl is much younger than he is.

    He denies it all. However, there’s photographic evidence of the proposal and ring on their wedding website. I don’t know what to believe.

    I want our family and I want us. I never wanted separation or divorce, and I have been fighting to get him back. Since I found out about the affair and engagement, we have been talking through texts and trying to figure out what happened to us.

    Am I doing the right thing in fighting for him, or should I let go? Do cheaters always cheat?

  23. JoAnn,

    I understand your dilema. I don’t get the cheating part because – Did he cheat with this girl while you were together or did he meet her after you’ve separated?

    It’s just my opinion, but I don’t think that cheating is the issue here. I think that your marriage has broken, probably for lack of communication, like most marriages.

    You were both angry at each other over things that could not be changed. He resneted working so hard – But he had no choice if he wanted to support his family. You resented him for not being there but how could he be there if he had to work and support you?

    He doesn’t really think you are using him for his money, he is just using it as an excuse to justify him running away instead of dealing with your issues. Deep down he knows it’s not true.

    I think that the fact that he is not rushing to end the divorce process means that he is still not sure that he wants to do that. It means that hope is there.

    I don’t think you should keep “fighting” to get him back. It never ever works.

    I have a post about how to use a marriage separation to save your marriage, you may find it useful:

    http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/can-separation-save-a-marriage/

    In hope this helps and I wish you the best,
    Lisa

  24. Thank you so much Lisa for taking the time to answer. By the transactions on his bank statements, it appears they started dating in September or October of 2013. He left the following month in November. I just found out he proposed in February of 2014, so it seems like she was around quickly, and my husband thought she was the one too. I am broken. I just don’t know anymore. You are right about the miscommunication because that seems to be the root of our problem. He never said what he truly was feeling and I never said either. We let things self destruct. For the past few months, we started doing little things as a family, but just this week, he decided that he is going through with the divorce which brought up all the same past issues that started this merry go round. I honestly love him, and I want this to work. I don’t know how. Plus on June 1st, our trial date, we will be divorced.
    Thank you for your time and wisdom. I will read the article on link you provided.

    • Regarding the article, I have been doing all the wrong things to win back my husband just as you mentioned. It’s hard not to argue or get defensive about any of it because I am so passionate about our marriage and family.

  25. I have been in a relationship for 3 years and we have been living together for 2 years. We are getting married next year, together we have already put so much money into the wedding because we both have big family’s. He cheated on me once a year 1/2 ago, he had so many online accounts and was texting a whole lot of other ladies. It took me a little over a year to get over it. I believing him about never doing it again, he would let me see his phone he delete all his accounts, I also could read any text he got. We also work at the same place so I know where he is at all times. But I just found out that all the promises of never hurting me again he could not keep. He started other online dating accounts and has never stopped even after i caught him the first time, he made it look like he did. He would delete his history on his phone he kept it strictly online. He clams that he never physically cheated only mentally but I can’t trust him. The promises he has made me this time I feel I’ll never believe. I want to leave but I still love him so much. He tells me it was the worst mistake of this life and losing me his life would be ruined, but to me cheating is a choice…Not a mistake!!! – I’m lost in my feelings and not sure what to do.

  26. Katie,

    I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    It’s just my opinion, and I’m no expert, but you still haven’t married him and you could be preventing a big mistake.

    I believe him that he doesn’t plan to do this, he can’t control it, and that’s worse. He needs therapy because this is a psychological issue and has nothing to do with him loving him – Which I’m sure he does.

    You’re right, cheating is a choice. Everything we do is a choice. But he needs serious help in the form of therapy, and if you can’t let him go, at least insist that he goes and gets help before you get married.

    This is what I would do anyway, I hope it helps and I wish you all the best,

    Lisa

  27. Hi Lisa –
    I decided to give you an update of what has happened since the last time I wrote about two months ago. My husband and I were in the settlement meeting with our attorneys and we decided to call the divorce off. He admitted to the affair and I accepted all his baggage. However, as much as I wanted this marriage after almost two years, I still continue to question everything he does now such as why is he doing that, what is he thinking, how is he, when is this going to get better, how am I going to get over this? It’s a vicious cycle of doubt, yet I was the one who utimately decided to stop the divorce. I have my doubts about everything even when I think about how hard I worked to get this marriage back. The kids are happy. I just don’t know if I made the right decision and if I’m 100% happy or satisfied that I did.
    He’s moved home with most of his things. The kids are always excited when he’s here. He continues to work a ton because he has to due to our lifestyle which means he’s hardly ever here, but once again, that’s what I signed up for in that meeting. It’s all just hard and I don’t know if this is the right thing after all.

  28. My situation is different than most. I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years now. He is 27 & I will be 25. A couple of months of having my daughter, I felt emotionally different towards my husband, I started to seek out other men just for attention that I felt I lacked from my own husband. At first it was texting then things escalated to sex (multiple times).. I withdrew from my husband emotionally told him I needed space and wanted a break. I told him he could do whatever he wanted and I could do what I wanted. I continued my affair until one day I was able to unlock my husbands phone (whom I referred to as a roommate by now) & found that he was using texting apps to text his coworker. he admitted to having sex with her twice in a motel, and making out with her at their workplace after hours, as well as going out to lunch. This broke me because although I’ve done more horrible things to him then he did to me, I never assumed he would. Anyway we both unlocked our phones, everything is out in the open and every social media we used to have separate we now share. I still go through phones records, i still go through his computer.
    I want to make my marriage work. It’s been only 2 months. I still cry, I still ask him if he still loves me. He says he does, that he stopped whatever he was doing. Unfortunately, He still works at the same place. He’s our main source of income, to make me feel better he asked if I could help him do a resume so he can switch jobs. He said that if I wanted to he could quit his job but I know I can’t let him do that. I just want to know that even though he’s doing everything he should be and there’s no new apps or other bad things that I have uncovered.. will my marriage survive?

  29. JoAnne,

    It’s perfectly normal to have doubts about every major decision we make in life.

    It seems like a transition period to me – Since you won’t be able to live with doubts for the rest of your life, these doubts will at some point become a conclusion about whether you want your marriage or not – Without a doubt.

    Let yourself be in doubt until things become clear. You’ll keep going to sleep with thoughts and doubts. but one morning you’ll wake up with a gut feeling – An answer – And you’ll know without a doubt what’s the best thing for you and your family.

    It could be staying with him, and it could be separation. Your intuition and inner voice (your truth) will tell you – All you’ll have to do is listen.

    Everything happens for the best. Don’t be hard on yourself and so what if you decided something? You can change your mind any time you want to.

    Good luck and I wish you the best,

    Lisa

  30. Marina,

    I think your hearts are in the right place, and that you both really want to make your marriage work – And I think that if you want it bad – You’ll get your wish.

    The fact that he is willing to quit his job shows that he has really let go of her, which is a very good sign.

    Maybe it’s time to look for a new job and start from scratch? It will help you heal from this somewhat faster.

    Don’t question. Know, Know that you’ll be alright and that’s what will happen.

    I wish you two all the best and good luck,

    Lisa

    • Lisa, your response made me cry of relief. Your words are encouraging.
      Currently our two children are asleep & we are working on his resume together, laughing and happy. I enjoy these moments with him.
      But come Monday, my attitude changes. I get irritated, even if he comes home 5 min late. (He works 30 min away from home and has to take the freeway to get here). He keeps telling me to stop focusing on the past and focus on the future. That we both made mistakes but the only way to move forward is to focus on us. But it’s easier said than done.
      It’s really hard for me still, physically I still hurt. I’ve never had hate for anyone but for some reason I focus a lot of energy on a woman who clearly doesn’t care (she had told him she was sorry for being a bad mistress) I compare myself to her almost daily & especially after sex. I feel like I’m not good enough for him. He’s really trying and I really need to stop digging for things that aren’t there any longer or that I at least hope there isn’t. :(