7 Unmistakable Signs That Your Husband will Cheat AGAIN (Is he a Serial Cheater?)

 

is my husband a serial cheater

I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” cliché.

I personally know too many stories that didn’t turn out this way, and too many couples who managed to survive cheating and heal their relationship.

But if your husband has cheated on you, it’s one of the most agonizing questions you have to deal with:

Is it going to happen again? Is he a serial cheater?

It’s not about the actual physical act. It’s about trust, and about whether you’ll ever be able to trust him again.

Your husband has cheated on you, but he begs your forgiveness and swears he will never do it again. How can you tell if it’s true? can you trust him again some day?

You want to get over his affair somehow, rebuild the trust and save your marriage, but constant suspicion is eating away at you.

All your energy is consumed by watching his actions, trying to detect any hint that he is still unfaithful or that he will cheat again. How can you rebuild your relationship when you’re so fearful of your spouse deceiving you again?

Being suspicious after his affair is more than normal. It’s Expected.

But some suspicions are reasonable and others are not.

This is how to know if your cheating husband is a serial cheater – Or not.

Signs of a Serial Cheater

Serial Cheater Sign #1 – Sorry is the Hardest Word

If he doesn’t even apologize for his back-stabbing actions, raise the red flag. If he doesn’t show any remorse and tries to blame it all on you (by accusing you of not satisfying his needs or caring enough), he is probably on his way out of the marriage, or planning his next affair.


The “quality” of the apology is another unmistakable sign. If he just said “sorry” a couple of times, or avoids the topic by saying “I’ve already said I’m sorry, so let’s not bring it up again”, he clearly does no regret his actions or takes any responsibility for them.


On the other hand, if he understands and identifies with your pain, or acknowledges the wrong that he has done to you, and states that he is fully committed to saving your marriage – He is less likely to become a serial cheater.

Sign #2 – Talking to a Brick Wall

Is he willing to listen to how this makes you feel? Even if you are repeating the same things you said yesterday? Is he willing to contain your pain and emotions?

If not, if he runs away from every conversation about the cheating, it’s bad news. It means that he doesn’t want to feel guilty about something he may do AGAIN.

If he is being defensive, secretive, or otherwise less open, there may be something going on behind your back.

Discussing the affair details is critical for the injured spouse’s healing process, but it has to be done the right way. If your spouse is willing to talk, see this article about how to address the affair details without risking your marriage (and your sanity!).

Sign #3 – Cake Eater

This one is pretty obvious: If he is having a long time affair with another woman and refuses to cut contact with her (usually by using all kinds of excuses like “I work with her everyday”, “I’ll lose my job”, “she threatens to hurt herself” etc),  he may be planning to continue the affair until he decides if to stay married to you or not.

In other words, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

This situation requires an ultimatum, unless you are willing to allow your husband both a wife and a girlfriend.

Sign #4 – The Ladies’ Man

According to research, the second most common reason for men to cheat (the first one is lack of emotional attention) is the quantity of sex in their marriage (Not quality). Some people have a high sex drive while others are less interested in a lot of sex.

If your husband wants sex all the time and is constantly frustrated by the quantity of your sex life, he’s more likely to cheat again. Serial cheaters were found to be addicted to the excitement of a new affair.

If you still love your husband, but sex doesn’t much interest you anymore, this article will show you what to do.

Sign #5 – He is Entitled

Some people just think they are entitled to cheat. Their general opinions about gender roles, about their role in society or their cultural upbringing make them believe they have a right to cheat. This type of person is more likely to cheat without remorse or guilt (Remember sign #1?).

Sign #6 – Performance Anxiety

This sign is a little confusing, but none the less true. If your husband suffers from performance anxiety or sexual anxiety and has low self-esteem, he is more likely to become a serial cheater.

The type of cheating will probably be one night stands or paid sex, because it involves women who he doesn’t care about and therefore doesn’t feel he has anything to prove to them. Performance anxiety tends to disappear when you have anonymous, emotionless sex.

In a weird way, this is actually a sign that he still cares about you and is exhausted from feeling inadequate in bed and disappointing to the woman he loves.

What To do about a Potentially Serial Cheating Spouse

Pay close attention, this is the most important message in this article.

If the two of you (that means you too) don’t take the necessary steps to rebuild trust, restore the honesty and resolve the issues that led to this marriage-shattering crisis, I guarantee that he will cheat AGAIN.

If you don’t fix a flat tire, the car will eventually breakdown. If your relationship doesn’t evolve to a better one, it’s only a matter of time until he cheats again.

Attempting to do this alone is a huge mistake. I have seen too many couples get caught in a vicious cycle of anger and resentment, trapped in suspicion and pain until they had no choice but to end it.


For example, You can try to go to marriage counseling. If he doesn’t want to (many cheating spouses don’t want to, since they are afraid of being solely blamed for the marital problems), there are still ways for your to save your marriage alone.


Here’s my post about how to save your marriage alone (and make him want to join you later!)

And here’s the e-book that has literally saved my marriage.

Always rooting for ya,

Lisa

P.S

I would love to read your personal experience and will try to do my best to help, so share with me in the comments…

sign up2Related Posts

The 10 Most Important Questions to Ask a Cheating Husband

Signs Your Husband is Cheating (and How to Make Him STOP)

PAID ENDORSEMENT DISCLOSURE: In order for me to support my blogging activities, I may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for my endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this blog.

Comments

  1. says

    Those are not only signs of a serial cheater. They are signs of addiction and that the affair has not ended–that the cheating spouse is still infatuated with the affair partner. Long-term, emotionally-bonded affairs are not easy to end and may not end with the first discovery and attempt to end it and recomcile, that does not mean the cheating partner is serial–depending on how you define serial that is.

  2. heather says

    my husband did about half of those things…..what do i do? how can i stop him? i try to be as loving and as intimate as i can, but he just goes and does it on the most random days. I dont understand.

    • says

      I’m so sorry you are going through this Heather. I think it’s less important that you understand WHY he is doing this and more important to decide what you’re going to DO about it.
      If he really is a serial cheater, I would demand marriage counseling of some sort, or I would leave. You deserve better.
      Hang in there.

  3. Cheryl says

    My husband has been cheating on me physically about every three years (on average) during our 22 year marriage. That’s NOT counting his emotional affairs where he would be emotionally involved with women and have cybersex with them on a regular basis and tell them that he loved them (and complain about me to them). Each time I have forgiven him because that’s just how I was raised and because, well, it was mostly a one-time thing with the physical affairs. Unfortunately, the physical affairs tended to be with my or our mutual female friends (and of course they are now no longer friends). My husband said EVERY TIME that it “just happened” and that he was sorry. Then three years later…it would “just happen” again. He is also very much into porn and watches it almost constantly. When we first met, we had sex all the time; now we hardly ever have sex (but we DO have three teenagers, so that does make it difficult…and I have medical problems so I’m sure he doesn’t want to “hurt me”, etc.). But the last time we had sex was April of 2011…I think he started his affair about six months after that. This time was totally different…he had the affair with a co-worker (he never did that before – someone I didn’t know) and he fell in love with her (he also had never “fallen in love” with an affair partner before). This also went on for some time. In this time he NEVER ONCE had sex with me. Since the discovery and attempted reconciliation we have had sex once. And that is exactly what it was…having sex…not making love. Everything he did was different. His sexual moves, behavior in bed, everything was totally different than what he used to do with me. It was like he was having sex with the affair partner, not me. I couldn’t orgasm or even enjoy it. I pretended to. But since then he hasn’t touched me other than to hug, or cuddle or kiss me. That’s it. He says he is not seeing the affair partner and I believe him (he doesn’t have time) but he is still watching porn. He finally made an appointment to see a therapist. I think he has a sex addiction, and I am sure he is a serial cheater. What is your opinion?

  4. says

    First, I have to say I admire you mental strength, to be able to go through this for such a long time without having some kind of a breakdown.

    I think it’s quite obvious that your husband is a serial cheater, by definition. But worse than that, he seems to show no remorse or a real attempt to stop his hurtful actions. He may have a sexual addiction but that needs to be professionally diagnosed and treated, it’s not an excuse to allow his behavior to continue like this, no matter how you were raised.

    I wish you had a little more self esteem and self-love to know that you deserve better and you don’t have to live like this and be treated like this.

    I think that you urgently need professional help – Separately and together as a couple. I hope you understand that.

    I wish you the best.

    Lisa

  5. Renee says

    My husband and I have been married 6 months. I found out about his cheating shortly after our first son was born in December of 2011. I found out he had physically and emotionally cheated on me. I still stayed with him because he promised to change and because we have a son together. In 2012 I found out we were having another son. We got married the summer of 2012. Within a few weeks everything changed. I had somewhat of a difficult pregnancy so I couldn’t have sex because it hurt. I found out he had been having cyber sex all last year. Even the day we got married. And everyday after that. I confronted him and he promised to change. And silly me I believed him. A few months later I found out he physically cheated with a coworker and got an std, which he gave me. I had to be treated twice to get rid of it. But I still stayed with him. Since then he’s emotionally cheated more. I find emails and websites with his stuff on it. I’m at such a loss right now cause he keeps saying he’s going to change but he don’t.

    • says

      I’m so sorry. That’s a horrible story. I don’t really understand how had the emotional strength to stay with him in these circumstances, I know most women wouldn’t.

      I understand that you want to keep your family together and you are probably thinking about the best thing for your children but unfortunately all signs show that he’s going to keep cheating on you and promise to change…

      I hope you know that you deserve better than this!

      If you still want to stay with him I think that you need serious professional help, such as marriage cousneling. If you can’t, you can try with the book that helped me when I was in a similar situation, I wrote all about it here: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-survive-an-affair-book/

      I hope this helps.

  6. Sarah says

    Hi, my husband confessed that he had a sexual affair. He has changed his number and says that the last time he was with this woman he didn’t feel right and that he didn’t want to this. Does changing his number mean that he has ended the affair?

  7. Confused says

    I’m going to try to sum this up as best as I can. My husband swears he has never physically cheated on me, but he has emotionally cheated at least 5 times. He has made 2 profiles on sex websites, posted at least 2 ads on craigslist, and has been caught texting a girl inappropriately. He just says sorry. He won’t give me a reason, and he tries to blame others. The ads on craigslist was a bet with his friends, and the girl started texting him first. How do I get him to tell me the actual reason why, or should I just accept the “I know it was wrong, I’m sorry” line he gives me? How do I move forward with our relationship? How do I trust him again?..

    • says

      I’m really sorry that you have to go through this, I know how hard it is.
      In my opinion these are unfortunately some bad signs, that he may be planning to cheat, or that his idea of fidelity is not the same as yours.
      I think it would be very hard for you to move on with your relationship without some outside help, maybe counseling.
      The fact that he doesn’t show much regret for his actions imply that he is doesn’t even think that he’s doing anything wrong and that should be addressed to urgently.
      See this article for further help: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-regain-trust-in-a-relationship/

  8. Blueicyrose says

    Hi,
    My husband and i has had relationship for 14 years. During this time, he had cheated on me before we got married in his drugged past. His drug habit stopped before we got married 4 years ago. I found out last year that he’s been unfaithful again. He did not say sorry for his actions but did acknowledge his wrongful act. When i ask him details about the affair, he’s not keen to talk about it by getting angry and said it’s in the past and he’s stressed of me asking him questions and does not want to know about how i feel. When we go out, i can sense him flirting with other women. Most of his friends also cheat on their wives. How do i know for sure he wont cheat again?
    Thanks.

    • says

      I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Unortunately, the fact that he doesn’t even apologize or regret his actions, is a very bad sign.

      This shows that he is not even committed to your relationship and if cheating is nothing to apologize for – Why not do it again?

      His flirting is the least of your problems. I would seek immediate help if you want your marriage to survive (because he will cheat again and how long will you be able to stand it?)

      I hope you find the strength to do this, because it seems that right now you are on your own in this marriage.

      This article will help you get started: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-save-marriage-alone/

  9. Sue says

    my fiancee cheated on me emotionally,with a woman he met at his week long work meeting.after that,he was always preoccupied texting her on his phone.even when we’re in bed.he told me he was sorry,he had been weak,became emotionally attached &had excha.ged phone numbers.he said he’ll stop talking to her,but only if she texts him first.i was so mad!!n have since discovered they are still going on.m so hurt,n we’re supposed to be getting married in October.just want to call off the wedding!!!

  10. says

    @Sue

    Sue, the fact that he still keeps in touch with her even after confessing his emotional attachement with her is a huge warning sign, not to be ignored.

    It seems that you two haven’t yet sat down together and defined what cheating is in your relationship, and that may cause some serious problems in your future marriage.

    I

  11. says

    @Sue

    Sue, the fact that he still keeps in touch with her even after confessing his emotional attachement with her is a huge warning sign, not to be ignored.

    It seems that you two haven’t yet sat down together and defined what cheating is in your relationship, and that may cause some serious problems in your future marriage.

    I would definitely postpone the wedding until this issue is resolved.

  12. sue says

    hie Lisa,thanx for the advice.its helped me a lot,i couldnt talk to him without screaming n giving him a chance to speak for himself.i showed him your website,he said he hadnt known it was “cheating”,they were just friend even if he had wanted her before!he’s since stopped talking to her n vise versa,i hope thats true.he leaves his phone n no longer hides it when he’s sending or recieving txts.we spoke to someone about it,&its helped cause we can now talk openly about it,even though he begs me not to ask him about it constantly.even offered to give me her number,so i can call her if im still suspicious.but it doesnt make it easy to accept.thanx

    • says

      I’m so glad he decided to end all contact with her! I believe this is a very good sign about his commitment to you and your marriage.
      the phone thing is another very good sign. If he doesn’t hide things from you, it means he has nothing to hide.

      I know it’s hard to accept, and the awful feelings don’t just go away after a few days, but at least there are dome great signs that you two are heading to the right direction.

      I

    • says

      I’m so glad he decided to end all contact with her! I believe this is a very good sign about his commitment to you and your marriage.
      the phone thing is another very good sign. If he doesn’t hide things from you, it means he has nothing to hide.

      I know it’s hard to accept, and the awful feelings don’t just go away after a few days, but at least there are dome great signs that you two are heading to the right direction.

      I think the next best step is to work on your friendship and intimacy to he won’t need anything from other women and to prevent this from happening again.

      In one word – Communication.

      This article will help you with the next step:http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/communication-problems-in-marriage/

      Good luck, and hang in there:)

  13. Denise says

    My husband and I have been married 3 years. We have a two year old daughter together. He is a great father but not so good husband. Found out he wa cheating the entire time I wa pregnant. When I found out, it stopped. Months later I found out he was acting super flirty an possibly left the bar with anothe woman! I don’t trust him, he doesn’t communicate well, and he does not want to go to Councling. He thinks we can work this out between us. But nothing ha been the same since, we have grown apart an I feel the only thng holding us tog is our daughter. I do love him and I wish it could work so does he- I just don’t feel in my heart it won’t ever happen again. Please help.

  14. Ric says

    I don’t really know where to begin. I love my wife very much. We’ve been together for about 8 years, married for 3. We have a 13 month old son, who I also love with all my heart. In our time together I’ve grown away from the crappy person I was growing up to be, yet I still have made some bad decisions.

    I had a very rough childhood, and nearly no good examples of how to be a good man, or even just a good person. That’s not an excuse, actually I’m proud of my terrible upbringing at times because of the success in life I’ve found, just to spite that life I grew up in.

    In our 8 years together, I’ve had a few inappropriate text/email relationships which she became aware of. Recently, I cheated for the first time. I broke her heart and mine. I came to this page to see if I’m likely to be a serial cheater for reasons I may not have thought of.

    I love my wife. I don’t want her to leave me but she has all but finished the paperwork. I’m afraid there is no changing her mind. We don’t argue much, and when we do make love it’s always great. I know I need counseling and I’m seeking that to start soon.

    I don’t meet any of the points mentioned on here, but I still don’t know what to do. It’s my own personal damaged heart that lead us here, and what we have is honestly close to perfect.

    I don’t know why I’m posting. I guess I’d like any feedback, positive or negative. All of it helps.

    • says

      Hi Ric,

      I have to say that even though you’ve cheated, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your personal story in such an hinest and open way. I hope you did the same when you talked to your wife.

      Don’t be so sure that your marriage is over. I really think that if you continue to show your wife how regretful you are, and ask her to go to counseling consistently, she will agree to try and work on your problems.

      The best advice I can give you is to not give up. Show your wife that you are willing to take any step needed to fix the problem you have and make sure this never happens again. I really think that you will succeed.

      Good luck to you and I wish you the best!

  15. May says

    Hi. My husband has cheated on me over and over again with different women. He promised not to do it again, but eventually I always catch him texting his students. By d way he’s a teacher. I once followed his car and it shocked me that he has a girl with him. And the last straw is when I found out that he had an affair with his student for three years. The girl texted me coz she was angry that my husband make her believe that we separated. She even forwarded my husbands text to her. He says that he can’t afford that the girl will leave her. And that he will do everything to make their relationship work out. And he has a Facebook account that I don’t know of. And I’m not on any of his photos. When I told him that I want to end our relationship he cried and told me that the girl was blackmailing him. Do you think he still loves me?

  16. Jenna says

    Hi there, I never post online because I’m too shy. But I’ve been reading your responses and I’m wondering what you will say about my situation.
    My husband and I are about to be married for 5 years. 6 months after we got married, he had a type of emotional affair with a coworker. They were texting all the time, and he would message her online while I was sleeping, etc. he even went as far as to invite her over the house when I was gone one weekend. However, they didn’t have sex. This was a very hard time for me to recover from this, but slowly I did. We never went to marriage counseling, but he was very sorry and he really tried to save our marriage. I began to heal.
    Now here I am a few years later going through this again. He had another emotional affair with a coworker, but this time he actually kissed her. He lied to me about the affair and told me they were just friends. I had no way of knowing, because he deleted all the texts. However I found out recently that many of the texts were romantic in nature, that they had sexted, and that he kissed her. He is trying really hard again, and telling me he never wanted to hurt me and that he wants to change. We even just started marriage counseling 3 weeks ago. But I am really hurting. And he still works with her, but assures me that he has cut off all communication and that he doesn’t want to talk to her. What gets me is all the lying. He continued with her for 3 months, and I didn’t have a clue. And then he lied about the nature of their relationship, until I found out what the messages really were. Will he do this to me again? I’m so hurt, but I still do love him. He really seems like he’s trying, but I’m still hurting…

    • says

      Hi Jenna:)

      I am really sorry you have to go through this. It’s living in pain everhy day right? I trully feel for you.

      Your husband didn’t even show any of these “serial cheating” signs but still it’s the second time he is cheating on you (emotional affairs count as cheating).

      The fact that both times he really shows signs of remorse and working hard to save your marriage is a good thing, but apparently not enough since he did it again, this time physically too.

      I don’t know anything about your marriage and underlying problems that may be causing him to look elsewhere to satisfy his needs, but there’s clearly a fundumental problem you have to solve.

      Going to counseling is good and will help you discover these underlying problems that ultimately cause you so much pain.

      As for whether he’ll do it again or not, I don’t know. That depends on how deep you go with your therapy and how successful your treatment will be.

      I think you are very brave and emotionally strong to be able to not kick him out, many other woman would. But you clearly love him and it makes it very hard for you.

      I would ask the counselor to focus, aside from the root problems, in restoring and rebuilding the trust from your side, because you can’t fix a marriage if there’s no trust (and how can you trust him after all the lies, right?)

      I wish you all the best and please come back and share your progress and how things are going with counseling, I’d love to help if I can.

      You can see my email in the contact page.

      Lisa

  17. Ann says

    My boyfriend and I have been off and on since 2006. After our break up we always continue to talk and wind up going back out. In 2011 after I left him I had found he was asking a girl he began an emotional relationship with over Xbox live for naked pictures while we were going out. When I asked him about the message I found from her( they continued to talk & were friends on f.b. ) he was mad I was talking to a guy at work at the time we were broken up so he purposely left the message open so I could see it. At first he wouldn’t want to talk about it & said that what he had done was not cheating. We are currently going back out & have broken up one other time because last year I was not happy in the relationship & we had grown apart again. He has in the last year admitted what he did was wrong & swears he would never do that to me again. I would constantly throw it in his face about what he did when we would fight & he would say angrily leave the past in the past lets move forward & apologize . Last week I found a message from a girl that sent him a song off utube( he claims he didn’t know who she was). He drives with his guy friend to work but I keep finding shirts and hoodies that he claims are his work buddies but some of the clothes look like they are something a girl would wear( last night he admitted the t-shirt I found in the back of his car looked like a girls but said it was prob. His friends 12 year old sisters) I have a bad feeling in my gut but I’m not sure if its old resentment or they are warning signs I am trying to act like aren’t there. Should I just trust him or are these warning signs? I love him so much and it breaks my heart the thought of him seeking attention from another girl again. ;( what should I do?

  18. says

    I don’t know…I think that the t-shirts in the back of his car (especaially since he’s not trying to hide them) are not a complete proof that he has cheated. But, I know why you have a bad feeling and why you’re heart broken.

    I think that you shouldn’t jump into coclusion yet, look for more signs that he may be cheating (this article will help: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/signs-your-husband-is-cheating/) and I hope you don’t find any.

    Also, the best way to keep a man frin cheating is working on your problems, perfecting communication and not just hoping that everything will work out on it’s own.

  19. mary says

    I recently learned that my husband of 13 years has been cheating on me. I have always had ultimate trust and faith in his fidelity. Whenever he learned of other friends cheating, he would disapprove of their behavior. He would tell me what my friend’s other husbands were doing and how it is so wrong. I never suspected anything. Then last week at my friend’s party, my friend told me that her husband and mine were flirting with the bartendars and doing shots with them. Again, I wasn’t watching him b/c I thought I had no reason to. When I confronted him, he said it was my friend’s husband and he was trying to prevent him from doing something stupid. Then I started looking at his emails and facebook account and found out that he had several affairs throughout the marriage. The most hurtful one was when I was pregnant. He had random women’s numbers in his phone and he said its nothing. He never went out alone or bought anyone gifts. Its always just drinking, dancing, and maybe kissing. He made it a point that its just to have fun and nothing happened. I am devasted and don’t know what to do. When he is with me, I forgive him. When he is traveling (which is 90%) I want to divorce him. He promised me he would never do it again but I can’t trust him. He said I can’t get a divorce and hurt the family. He doesn’t want me to talk about the past and just wants me to move forward. He is willing to go to counseling. What should I do?

  20. says

    First, if you are sure that he only got as far as kissing, it’s a good sign. I know, don’t be mad at me, it’s heart breaking and trust wrecking but still, if he never fell in love ir slept with someone else, it’s better than most stories you’ll read on my blog..

    About what to do, if he wants to go to counseling, that’s another good thing. And since you don’t know if you want to divorce him or not, you should want it too.

    Go to counseling, get to the root problems and fix things. I am really optimistic in your case.
    Good luck!:)

  21. Jay says

    Hi, I’m not sure if anyone will respond since this feed was a while ago but me and my fiance have been in on and off relationship for 7 years now, steady for 2 years. I recently found out he cheated on me through craigslist by posting adds and reply to hook ups, and have fake emails and names, he was very sorry and said he would change, then I found out he did it again but this time texting/sexting, he said he would change again and I believed him but I feel like he is doing this again , and it’s driving me crazy, how do I find out if he is cheating on me.

  22. fayli says

    hi Lisa,
    I don’t know where to start I’m in a relationship of eight and a half years got married last year. My husband have addiction in social network he keep chatting with girls online. many times I caught him but he keeps promising me he tried keeping me happy but you know I feel hurt I love but I can’t trust him. one thing he provides all my needs love good sex but his temptation I’m not sure.. just the other day he said he deactivated a fb account that I’m not aware of because he love me he blames that he met me when he was too young (18yrs) he miss his bachelor’s life, now it’s more than eight years he is telling now. what should I do , please help me. how can I be sure that he’ll not cheat on me again his work place is far he comes home only in the weekend’s.

  23. says

    i Fayli,

    I’m sorry you’re “stuck” in this situation. It’s even harder for you because other than “online cheating” he treats you really well and gives you everything you need, like you’ve said.

    Online cheating is a real addiction (just like porn by the way) and bears with it excitement of the forbidden and unknown that all of us, whether we admit it or not, want in out life, at least sometimes.

    I believe him, for some reason, that he’s trying to fight it but he can’t stop and all signs show that he will keep cheating in the future, especially since he doesn’t pay a real price for it.

    I think that he really needs counseling. Not even couples’ counsling, just therapy on his own to help him get over his sort of addiction.

    I would give him this one chance to change if he goes to counceling, but it should be an ultimatum – Either he gets real help, the professional kind, or you will leave him.

    Tell him that you can’t go on like this and ask how he would have felt if you were the one to do what he’s doing.

    I hope this helps and good luck to you,

    Lisa

    • fayli says

      hi Lisa,
      is there another option than therapy because I know him very well he will never admit that he needs help and also if I leave him my kids will suffer he love the kids too. I’m just a house wife with just a part-time job. he triesto hug me in bed despite he know that i’m mad at him. when I confront him all he say that the most important thing is that he stop social networking, how can I trust him. please help me he pretends that everything is normal.. his stubbornness is killing me.

      • says

        I don’t think it’s really possible to pretend that evrything is normal. You can try to pretend but it will still eat you alive slowly.

        I think that you have to find a way to make him admit that he has a problem.

        The best way to get a guy to understand how he hurts a woman is by making him feel the way you do.

        How about if you start social networking yourself? Not secretly, but with full honesty and sharing. Start “networking” (without cheating or anything close to it of course) and see how he will suddenly by against it.

        Tell him you’ll stop when he stops, or when he goes to counseling.

  24. Jason says

    Okay, I’ve looked all over the net figure out what to do if it’s the wife who cheats. I am in a unique situation. My wife had a lot of sexual abuse as a child. As a teenager, she was very promiscuous. We were married very young, and she had an affair while I was deployed in the military. We separated for over a year with no contact. Then at two different sides of the world, we both came to Christianity at the same time. That was thirteen years ago. We now have 4 kids and until yesterday, I believed we loved each other deeply. My wife has screwed up many times over the years, usually kissing a guy when she’s had too much to drink, etc. But she’s always come to me and confessed. I usually feel hurt, and get a re commitment from her, but she always becomes very distraught, near suicidal when these times happen. Eventually we move past it. This time is different.
    While at a family function, she was in a hot tub with my cousin and his wife. My wife told me that night that she’d made out with my cousins wife, but she was too drunk to remember. I went through the regular schpiel with her and moved on.
    Last night she was at the tanning salon but her Facebook was logged in. It kept dinging like there was a conversation going on so I went to the tab her Facebook was on. I opened her messenger and watched as she fished compliments from my cousin and he talked about how hot and sexy she was. From their familiarity, I could tell that this wasn’t the first time. I confronted her in our bedroom when she got home. Eventually she confessed that my cousin pmd her the day after the hot tub and she found out that she had basically had a three some with him and his wife. They began text each other regularly, and then began sexting. This went on for a month. A feel so incredibly betrayed. She said she was so sorry and felt like hurting herself, but I just didn’t care. I told her I was sleeping on the couch because I couldn’t look at her. She jumped up and began dressing, and said she would leave and wouldn’t hurt me any more. I had to stop her and talk her down. I spent the night soothing her so she could sleep. I told her we’d get through this, but I feel so angry, so hurt, and now trapped.

    I am boiling over with rage inside, but I cant even talk to her about it. While she was off flirting with my cousin, I was ironing her clothes.
    How do you go through this with someone who has psychological issues? I feel like I have to coddle someone I badly want to punish and rub her nose in it. She understands what she did, but not what she did to me.

  25. Samantha says

    Do you forgive someone for cheating that won’t admit to it? I was married, 2 children, and things weren’t going well so I decided to divorce him. The day I filed for divorce I found out about many MANY infidelities. Affairs that lasted years, at least 8,9, 10 women. He won’t admit to any of it, not one thing. He claims one girl he had an “inappropriate relationship” with but that it wasn’t physical. He’s fixed a lot of the thinsg I was mainly divorcing him for, being a better dad, and some other things but not everything. If the cheating didn’t happen I think I could get back with him and maybe, just maybe the kids and I would be really happy. But I can’t move past the cheating and it doesn’t help that he won’t admit and yes I know that he did do it, but I have no concrete evidence to show him. Is this something someone can get past? I just don’t know if I can and if I bring it up he gets mad and says it didn’t happen so drop it. My kids are little and are so happy when we’re together, its hard not to give that to them.

    • says

      Samantha,

      I think that the key problem here is “the unknown”. Since you don’t have “hard evidence”, there’s no way you can really know if he actually cheated and no way he’ll admit it too.

      Is there no way for you to find evidence for affairs that lasted years as you presume? Emails? phone messages? Facebook? anything?

      I don’t think you could get past this without having an answer to this questions that keeps hovering over your head.

      It’s very much possible to get over cheating, but not if you don’t know if it actually happened. And of course he doesn’t admit it. Most men, even the best of them, will not admit until shown evidence.

      It’s a survival thing for him. He is afraid that if he admits he’ll lose you and his family forever.

  26. Jasmine says

    Hello my name is Jasmine and my husband cheated on me once when he went down to Vegas with his friends. He told me what he remembers (so he says)..He told me that he was really drunk and the other woman started kissing him took his shorts off and just got on…the thing that hurts the most is that he didn’t bother to tell me when he came back at first he would say he forgot like his mind just blocked everything out because he felt so disgusted and ashamed of himself. We would have intercourse as if nothing had ever happened. Honestly I don’t know if he would have ever told me because I didn’t find out until 3 months after it happened. However, I took a test for STD’s and unfortunately received a call saying something came back positive. So, if it wasn’t for me taking that test I would have probably never known the truth. He apologized and a few days later we just got in the car and drove away…he took me to my favorite place (the beach) and he actually got down on one knee and told me he wanted to renew our vows. He also mentioned that he is ready to be the husband I deserve and he was not going anywhere.. I’ve waited so long to hear that but up to today I still cry and I am still angry, I don’t know how to get passed all of this. I don’t want to be angry anymore, i’m tired of crying, and I am tired of feeling like giving up. What should I do? Should I trust him again? Should I keep trying? How do I get passed this?

    • says

      Jasmine,

      I’m not at all surprised that he didn’t tell you about his one time cheating. No man will do that. The fact that he shows remorse is a good sign but I can certainly understand why you can’t just “get over it” and trust him again and how deeply hurt you must feel.

      If you want to know whether it’s a good idea to give him another chance and if he can ever be trusted again, check out this post:

      http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/how-to-regain-trust-in-a-relationship/

      It has a few signs that he is a guy that can be trusted again, and I think it can help you clear you mind a little.
      I hope it helps and hang in there, better days are coming.

      • Jasmine says

        Thanks for the article it did help and I’m sure that with time we will be able to rebuild the trust that was lost(:

  27. Ani says

    Hi, I was told by my partner day before xmas last year that he had cheated on me. This wasn’t the first time he’s messed about, the first time that I know of was 2002 and that was with his brother in-laws sister I nearly caught them at it. The most resent time was last year, we had moved into new house after some very difficult years rebulding credit to get back on to the property ladder, not long after that he apparently started to mess about with this woman who got back in contact with him via facebook ( this woman was a friend of his mothers). They cheated for about 6 months he ended it as he said it was getting boring. My mother in-law confronted her about it and she had no remores whatsoever, it was like she was entitled to cheat with my partner. I later found out from her partner that she and my partner had messed about 7 year previous for a few weeks before that encounter stopped. I don’t call it an affair as to me this romantises it and he told me it was just sex she was “just a hole”. I don’t trust him at all. She had been married six months before she started cheating with my partner. What was even more upsetting was he invited that person to my house for a bbq, they would also socialise together, I was never asked along to these gatherings, then she friend requested me on FB and I was already suspicious of what my partner had been getting up to. Sex in the company car down the local lanes near where we live (very classy) He then took her away with him connected to his work for two nights two different hotels, (she apparently liked to be tied up naked and blindfolded, I asked him if that really turned him on, obviously it did because they had sex but he did say seeing her body properly was a turn off as her stomach resembled a 70 year old with stretch marks) all paid for by the company but he still used money from our joint account to wine and dine her which he try to deny he did. I think at some point we will split up as he doesn’t seem to have any self control and if I’m being honest I don’t love him or find him attractive anymore not after the occasions he’s messed about and caused so much hurt to me and the children who are old enough to know and understand.

      • Ani says

        I’ve asked that question. I am very down my confidence is at rock bottom I’m not going to cause further stress to my daughter who does still live at home and will be going to Uni but still living with me. If my partner and I can’t find some resolution in this it may well be a separation. He most certainly has boundary issues where by he thinks it’s acceptable to have gone and had sex with her and then expect me to just forget about it

  28. Meg says

    I don’t think my fiance will ever be faithful but I can’t get myself to leave. We have been together for 2 years and have known each other for 11 years. He has been lying to me since the beginning about everything. All his female friends were girls he had hooked up with. He had many online/text relationships that he’d lie to me about. He cheated on me 4 times and took 18 months to admit half of the truth even though I knew the truth. He had a bad addiction to sex porn and women. I got him to stop talking to girls that tempted him but when I wasn’t around they were fair game. I would find girls names and office numbers from his work with things like sexy next to them. His coworkers all looked at porn all day. He went to see a girl daily that he admittedly fantasized about. When we go out its like he is looking for better than me. We can’t go out on a date or to the store without him looking for women. He just gawks and flirts everywhere we go. We have a child together and while I was pregnant and away he had a girl he didn’t know over and lied to me about it. He flirted with her and fantasized about her and then flipped out on me for being upset about it. And when I try to break it off he says he loves me and can’t live without me that he is trying to change but he doesn’t know why he does these things. He says I’m the only girl he wants. But I just don’t feel loved and I don’t know why I’m still in this relationship. It’s been 2 years. He’s known for cheating. He says all the right things but never follows through. I don’t know what to do.

    • says

      Meg,

      I;m sorry you are going through this. There’s a reason why you’re letting yourself stay in this situation and why you tolerate this behaviour, but that’s a whole different story.
      Your fiance obviously suffers from a sex addiction and needs to be treated professionally, just like a drug addict.
      I’m actuially sure he loves you, but he can’t help doing these thingss because he has sex addiction. If you really want something to change, let him know, (but mean it!) that you won’t stay with him if he doesn’t admit his sex addiction and if he won’t get help for it and commit to it.
      Good luck and I hope you’ll have the strength to do do right by yourself, for the first time in years.

  29. Christan Thomas says

    My husband and I are both recovering drug addicts. I knew that he liked having sex with women when I met him but when we committed to each other he did a complete turnaround. We had 3 miscarriages in a row and I ended up relapsing. While I was away for a month getting help he slept with 3 different women. 2 were friends of mine and I was really close with them. He confessed it to me and said he loved me but he had a sex addiction problem and when I wasn’t around he felt lost and he had lost faith that him and I would make it. He believed that we could make it through this and has since sought help. The other day he was around his sister and we were talking about the situation and I brought up my fears that it wasn’t just a sex addiction but that he just didn’t care because I can work with addiction I can’t work with it just being cause he didn’t care. My concern is that he tried to sleep with one of the girls a couple more times but i had thought she had turned him down. He claimed that that wasnt the cAse. That they were planning to do it again but that I had came home sooner than was expected. Its making me wonder how much of an addiction it really was.

  30. Jen says

    Great article. I can relate to it in my situation.my husband cheated 12 years ago and left for 3 months. He came back no apology and it was all my fault. He cheated again 3 yrs ago( we’ve been seperated for the last 3 yrs). The difference between the two affairs this last woman he was in love with.now he wants to get back together. He’s apologized for his actions this time but it’s stilly fault. We’ve been together 22 yrs married 19 of them and have 3 children together. I’m not sure how I feel about this situation. We do spend some time together and get along better than we did. But I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again and that’s huge for any relationship. I’d appreciate any advice. Thank u for listening

  31. Cherry says

    This is MY story… My husband and I have been incredibly happily married for 10 years (together 11). Lots of satisfying sex. Seriously, never a problem. Lots of fun times and a wonderful life together. I KNOW I met his emotional AND sexual needs and he agrees. Then a woman from his past moved 3 blocks away from us. She’d had a hard life and had just lost her husband to cancer. She herself was recovering from anal cancer and had to endure a colostomy bag. She was on disability, taking care of her sick elderly mother, raising her nieces 2 preteen kids and was extremely obese (over 300 lbs). My husband admitted that they had fooled around they were both in their teens, but he’d been a horrible alcoholic and never remembered having sex with her…only waking up next to her on a few occasions. I watched her walk past our house for nearly a year, ignoring my husbands suggestion to go walking with her for health purposes. I am thin, but needed to move more as heart disease runs in my family. When I did give in, my husband made a track in our pasture so that she and I could avoid traffic and walk safely. She came to walk with me daily for over a year. Shortly after she began frequenting our home, my husband began complaining of fatigue and back pain. This caused a considerable decline in our sexual relationship. Since he is in his 50’s and had a previous back injury, I didn’t think too much of it. Then, about a year later, he began finding fault with me and became argumentative. I asked why he was acting so different, but he had no answer. Well, one morning he asked me to teach him how to forward a YouTube video to his brother’s messages and BAM! I found a text between her and him. It said enough that I printed out the latest phone record. Just that month alone, there were 3,000 texts! I looked back in the records and discovered a 15 month long affair with over 43,000 texts, 2,000 phone calls (sometimes 9 calls a day) and 80 pictures! I was devastated. I heard the “We’re just friends” line from BOTH of them, but I found out otherwise. Seems this is the same woman he committed adultery with while he was married to his first wife 37 years ago. He also had sex with her behind several of his girlfriends backs. My husband has been sober for 25 years! He did this SOBER! They BOTH swear there was no sex this time because of me! However, he begged her for it constantly and asked her to come to the house when I wasn’t home. This sober man sent her pictures of his penis!! She has told me that she loves him and wishes they could be together, but he says he’s never loved her and loves me. As far as I can tell, they stopped contact one year ago, the day after they got caught. My world has been shattered. They told me it was just a game. He says he only wanted her to THINK he wanted her. Says he felt sorry for her. Then he tells me, when he brought up the subject of having an affair, she said “NO”, which made him very mad and, he says, made him try even harder to get her to say yes. I think it’s a bunch of lies! He says he can’t remember most of it and cannot come up with any reason why he did it, other than he just wanted to. He started the whole mess! He can only say he just wanted to mess with her head. I do not understand! We live in a very small town and if you asked anyone who he’d ever mess around on me with…they ALL say her! What does this mean? He’s free to go, but he says he doesn’t want her and nothing they did was important to him. What? They never missed one day of communication in those 15 months. Every morning he texted her, “Good morning Sweetheart” and every night, “Goodnight, babe, sweet dreams”. He texted her while he and I were out on dates! He began to feel out his family by mentioning her to them. He even invited her to family functions where we’d all sit together! She’s told me she thinks it was just an “ego” thing for him and if they would have slept together, it would have only been once. What? I think she meant something to him and still does! I don’t think I’ll ever heal from this! Why would a happily (he was!) married man let his past bring him down? Why would he cheat on most all his relationships with the SAME woman throughout his entire life? Why? I can’t get past thinking they are lying about not having sex…I mean, come on, 15 months of begging? In the past 2 weeks, she has posted on her Facebook “The worst pain is loving someone, knowing they want you, but circumstances won’t let you be together. I’m beginning to feel like I’M the other woman! Help!!

  32. Jared says

    I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years. I am 25 my wife 24. My wife and I got married in 2009 and now have 2 boys ages 2 and 4. I have had a serious issues with lieing and talking to other girls behind my wife’s back. I feel I AM the serial cheater but IM the one who wanted to go to counseling, I apologized and feel horrible for my actions, I don’t know why I repeat them. I’ve let my kids down, my wife down, myself and my/her parents and family down. She’s tired of me and my stupidity and wants to seperate and even divorce but I don’t want to leave her. I feel I love her but my actions show otherwise. I do feel our counseling helped but I ended up repeating my horrible ways. I’ve only had one physical cheating moment and that was 1-2 years before we even got married. She’s the first and only person I’ve ever been with. Together for 5-6 years before we got married and I screwed up then too. Is seperation/divorce the only way out o this nightmare I created? I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to leave her. If you love something let it go I guess? I need help and guidance.

    • says

      Jared,

      I think your heart is in the right place and I think that all you really need is good counseling. Not with your wife, but without her. Something from your past, probably your childhood is “stuck” in your mind and not allowing you the life that you want for yourself and therapy is probably going to help you figure it all out.

  33. Vic says

    My boyfriend cheated on me in Vegas when he went with the boys. We had been together 3 months. It he told me before he went I had nothing to worry about and that he loved me. I checked his phone about a month ago (now been together 9 months) and discovered he had cheated with a girl in Vegas on the last night before coming home to me. He denied it until I had proof in black and white from the girl herself. This is the only case of cheating I know about – he swears he has never done it again. He has apologised and said he will do anything to make it work. He still goes out with the lads he went to Vegas with which worries me. He says he has never and will never do it again and says he only knew he really loved me when he was away from me in Vegas. He said he felt awful about what he had done and didn’t want to tell me as he didn’t want to lose me. There has been lots of lying but he promises he wants to be with me. He had never had a girlfriend before me and just had one night stands with girls. He said he didn’t do it to revert back to his old ways he was just drunk and made a bad decision. I know if he could turn back time he wouldn’t do it again but is this normal for guys to cheat early on in a relationship? Lots of oelple keep telling me I deserve better but I love him. I have never had such strong feelings for him and I can’t imagine not spending the rest of my life with him. We are so happy together but sometimes we argue which all boils down to the cheating. Have I made the right decision or will he hurt me again?

    • says

      Vic,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      I think that yes, cheating seems to be common at the beginnings of relationships, just as it is with long-term ones. I think that the cheaters tend to “forgive” themselves more when it’s just the beginning..they can always say that they didn’t know how much they loved you yet etc..

      As for lying about it until proof was shown, again, all men do this. They lie until proven so.

      I don’t think your boyfriend is a serial cheater. Vegas and alcohol is a “winning” combo when it comes to one night stands.

      If this relationship is worth it to you, you can give him one more chance. More importantly, this is a decision YOU have to make and not others, no matter how much they love you.

  34. Michelle says

    On Saturday night, my husband said he was going up to a local bar to meet a couple of guy friends. I said I’ll go with you. He said okay, let’s go. His mood changed immediately. I could tell he was mad I was going. When we got there, he was just acting weird. I found a friend of mine from high school. She was there with her sister and cousins. He wouldn’t come sit with us. It’s almost like he was pouting by the back door. We were outside. It was packed. The table next to us was taken. Well, when it did become available, he came and sat down by us. I could still tell something was off. He bought shots for our table and the one next to us. It was a friend of ours with her friends.

    Long story short, a male friend of ours kept asking me “what is going on.” Even knew something was up cause he kept asking, what’s going on here, especially before we left and those group of ladies were standing with us. In fact, one of the girl’s friends came and dragged her away from us and the friend told me, excuse me and grabbed her. RED FLAG.

    We went to our friend Scott’s house for a little bit and and got home about 3. I went in, went to bed. Woke up at 5:15 and my husband was gone. Wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. He comes in at 7:15 in the morning and told me he had been at our “friend’s” house. That it was him, the friend, the friend’s husband, and that other girl. The couple of the house he went to aren’t even friends on facebook anymore, so that threw up a red flag too. I think they are separated. I have a gut feeling he is cheating with one of those two women, one of them apparently my friend. For two Thursdays he’s been going to this bar and not coming home til 3 or the morning or after. The bar closes at 2. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and just feel like he’s going to leave. I cannot even concentrate here at work. He told me that he hates taking me anywhere cause I always want to leave. That he just wants to live life. Okay, does that mean without me?? That for the first time in years, he doesn’t have to worry about overtime or how our bills are going to get paid cause he has a great job and that he just wants to have fun. I told him I have never in my life felt insecure like I have this past two weeks and it’s killing me. He hugged me and told me he loved me, but I cannot get rid of this gut feeling. It’s lingering and lingering. I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept. I’m a total mess. I promise you, he’s not giving up going to that bar and I just don’t know what I should do or how I should handle. NO matter if he did cheat or is cheating, he will never admit it and I need to move on if I love him. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to be a fool either. The thing is, even though he knows how I feel, he won’t give up going to that bar without me (and no, he didn’t say this, but I know my husband). I’ve told myself I have to move on, but how do I put on this happy face and forget everything when I still have this gut feeling. Thursdays are his night with his guy friends which are normally at our house in his mancave, but the past two weeks, they have been spent going out. This is the most horrible feeling in the world and I dread tomorrow night, “guy’s night.” I’m at a loss at what to do.

  35. Danielle says

    My husband goes out every weekend Friday and Saturday after 10 pm till 4-5 am every I mean every weekend! He has cheat at least 5 women in our 10 years not counting emotional affairs with probably 100’s of women all the time! He is asking me to be affectionate,caring and loving so he won’t think of other women but he still won’t make certain changes for me like access to his emails and phone he now has pass codes on everything. How can I become more affectionate when I believe he is cheating? It seems impossible! I asked him in many nice ways for him not to go out every weekend, or stay out past 2am and to let me see his phone but he won’t cave! I’m at a stand still and I don’t want to leave him but I feel he wants his cake and eat it too!

    • says

      Danielle,

      I’m sorry you have to go through this, I really am, but the fact of the matter is that you don’t have to go through this.

      You are right, I’m afraid. Your husband wants to stay married while seeing other women too, and by hiding his social media accounts and mail he proves it to you every day.

      He is not taking any kind of responsibility for his actions and he asks you to change so he’ll stop wanting other women – Which is ridiculous.

      I have to say that I wouldn’t be able to go on like this, and I sure don’t know hoe you can. I think he needs to be shown that you are serious and that you do not accept this behavior even for another minute.

      Some action has to be taken – Either talking about separation or telling him that if he sees another woman other than you – So will you. You’ll see other men too.
      You have to shake him upm because he obviously knows that you will keep allowing him to do what he does – Like you have so far.

      This is only my opinion, but I really think that you must be dealing with a lot of stress living like this, and it could even damage your health.

      Be strong, and do what you have to do. Your inner voice knows what it is – You just have to listen. And be strong.
      Take care,
      Lisa

  36. Liz says

    I just found out my husband has cheated again we have be married 12 years the 1st affair he said was because I didn’t show him attention he needed and I was always gone so I of course forgave him and he swore he would never do it again and boom affair number 2 happened this time things r different he is a truck driver and the women he cheated on me with is his truck partner he says he is trying to get her off the truck and he takes all the blame for this affair but says he is addicted to sex and can’t help it and he wants to change I’m torn between trying to fix it or calling it quits he still hides his phone and doesn’t want me no where near his work place I’m so confused on what to do cause we have 2 kids and I don’t want to hurt them in my choice to leave there father or stay and most likely be cheated on again and get lied to when people tell me until I find 100 percent undeniable proof I Still Love Him But Can’t Trust him.

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