What NOT to Do When Your Husband Cheats

You world is crumbling down under your feet. You have recently found out that your husband is cheating, or has cheated in the past and now you are this non-functioning mess of rage, shock, sadness, low self-esteem and despair.

If that’s not enough, when your husband cheats –  It makes you feel lonelier than you have ever felt before.

Your instinct tells you to run and tell someone. Anyone.

what to do when husband cheats

Your best friend, a close family member, or at least get some revenge and post his name and picture on Cheatersville so that everyone knows his lying and cheating ways.

I urge you to wait a minute and think twice. Before you confide in anyone, read this article.

Confiding the details of your husband’s affair to friends and family can be DANGEROUS and destroy any chance of saving your marriage.

If you’re completely and totally sure that you want to end your marriage, even if you have kids, than this doesn’t apply to you. But if deep inside you are not sure that your marriage is over, or you want to save your family for the sake of your kids, read this article to the end.

The Danger of Confiding When Your Husband Cheats

Having someone to support you going through this awful crisis is very important. What could be possible wrong with pouring out your hurt, anger and disappointment to other people in your life?

I will tell you what’s wrong: It will make things worse.

That’s right, read it again if you want – It WILL make things worse. And These are The Reasons:

#1 – Bad advice

You are at a very vulnerable place right now. You may think that everyone is thinking more clearly than you and know better than you what to do right now.

In a real effort to help you, your confidant will attempt to give you advice about what to do right now. For example, I can almost guarantee that he or she will immediately advise you to end your marriage because “Once a cheater always a cheater”.

It won’t take long for you to discover that just about everyone has an opinion, which is generally based on what they themselves would do—in a perfect world

Beside the fact that this “Once a cheater” cliché is total BS, the problem with this type of advice is that they don’t really know much about your marriage. They don’t know about the process that led to this crisis, they don’t know how if feels and they don’t know how much you want to protect your family from destruction.

Don’t let their anger about your husband’s actions overshadow your emotions right now. They mean well, but they probably do more harm.

#2 – Future Resentment

What if you CAN save your marriage? What if your husband and you can heal your marriage, make it better than ever and prevent this from ever happening again?

If your husband finds he will be hated when ever he sees your family and friends, your chances of saving your marriage will be reduced dramatically.

No matter what anyone says, in many cases a marriage CAN survive an affair.

But if you reveal his cheating to your best friend, for example, she will probably hate him forever, right? Meanwhile your marriage is restored, but your best friend may not want to come to your house ever again.

It’s important to think about irreversible outcomes when confiding in someone who is a part of your daily life.

#3 – Your Children

If you want to save your marriage and if you care about your children, they must never find out about this. You will forgive him with time, whether you stay together or not.

But your kids will never forgive him. Do you want that for your children? A father they will resent for life? If you confide with someone your kids know – He or she may blurb it out accidentally one day. Take that into consideration too.

How to Choose Your Confidants Wisely

affair-advice

Sharing your marital problems, your hurt emotions and uncontrolled anger with your friends and family is a bad idea. If you feel you have to do that, at least ask them, before you start sharing, to just listen to you and help you find a positive way to deal with these negative emotions. Tell them that “as for advice on what to do, I am going to work it out on my own”.

Another option is to confide with other women that went through the same thing. There are plenty of amazingly supportive  marriage forums online.  It’s a safe place to vent and learn from other people’s experience, anonymously.

But the most important thing to do right now is focusing on healing yourself (first) and your marriage. There are important steps you have to take if you want to have a chance of saving your marriage after an affair.

This is a very good place to start. It’s where I started.

Hang in there. Believe it or not, things will be better.

Lisa

P.S

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Comments

  1. says

    Here’s a question – what if you’ve ALREADY told your closest friend(s)/family, because like you said, you freaked out and needed someone to talk to? What if the advice given, was communicate and work things out and we will support you no matter what? Is there a way the marriage can still survive? If my/his/whoever’s friends and family know?

  2. says

    First of all I think you are very lucky to get such wise and understanding advice…do good for you. I think that in this case there are less chances that it will ruin your chances of recovering from this.
    If they were wise enough to give you this advice and support, they will be wise enough to know how to handle future situations when they see the both of you together.

    I wish you all the best.

    Lisa

  3. Jessica says

    How did you forget about your husbands affair? I just found out my husband had a one night stand..I can forgive him- but I am having such a hard time forgetting..I’m so shocked it happened..we both want our marriage to work, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

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