When I found out my husband had an affair, my first instinct was to throw him out and call a lawyer.
After the initial rage faded a bit, I started to think more clearly. I thought about our children, I thought about our family and our future, and I decided to give my marriage and my husband one last chance.
One of the first things I wanted to find out is how to regain trust in a relationship. This is because I truly believed that I could never trust him again. Ever.
How to Regain Trust in a Relationship
I didn’t know where to start, but one day I stumbled upon an article by John Alken and suddenly I knew what to look for. The article was about little yet important signs that your husband can be trusted again (some day), even if he cheated on you.
I want to share it with you now:
#1 - No Contact Rule
Your cheating spouse needs to cut all contact with his lover. This can be difficult if they work together, mix in the same social circles or live next door. However, if you’re going to trust them again you need to know their lover is out of the picture.
If they ever contact your partner again you also need an agreement that this goes to you first before they respond back. You must work as a team now and be totally transparent.
#2 – Remorse
You don’t want to hear excuses like “it was an accident”, “all men cheat — it’s what we do!’, or “I don’t know why it happened?” Nor do you want them to tell you that it was nothing and to downplay it all.
Instead, they must show you real pain and remorse for their actions and take full responsibility for their bad choices. If they don’t, then you’ll simply keep your guard up because everything indicates that they’ll do it again.
#3 – Open Book
Most people who have been cheated on will have specific questions they need answered. You’ll have awful images running around in your head that never stop, and you’ll obsess about what exactly happened. You must be able to ask your questions — however graphic they are - To get all the pieces of the puzzle.
If he isn’t willing to answer these questions or gives you vague responses then you’ll suspect he is hiding something and you’ll never move forward.
#4 – Law Abiding Man
To move forward with trusting your partner again he is going to need to follow new specific rules. It might be that he take off all passwords from their cell phone and computer, show you weekly bank statements and monthly phone bills, or come home from work at 6pm every night.
He might need to call you twice a day, or cut off contact with toxic friends. Whatever the rules, your partner needs to make these a priority.
#5 – No Fight or Flight
If he manages to get this far and show you all of these signs, then it’s time for you both to turn your attention to your relationship. There will be aspects of this that aren’t working and you’ll both need to give this an overhaul. In the end, your relationship must be different if you are going to survive.
Look at the areas of communication, sex, time spent together, socializing, parenting, finances, housework and in-laws. Make sure that these problem areas don’t remain obstacles to re-building trust.
And Now…Your Part
You couldn’t be more wrong if you think you can survive this awful crisis on your own. Even if your spouse is fully committed to saving your relationship, the chances of you forgiving and forgetting is very low.
First thing to do, even if it goes against your urges, is to learn how to deal with your painful emotions.
The second step is to learn how to survive an affair – from a professional.
If you really want your relationship to survive this, you need outside professional help. This is a great place to start, it shows you exactly what to do if you want a chance of saving your relationship and restoring the honesty after his affair.
Don’t wait, do something NOW, before it’s too late.
Rooting for ya,
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