When I found out my husband had an affair, my first instinct was to throw him out and call a lawyer.
After the initial rage faded a bit, I started thinking more clearly. I thought about our children, I thought about our family and our future, and I decided to give my marriage and my husband one last chance.
One of the first things I wanted to find out is how to regain trust in a relationship, though I doubted it’s possible at all.
How do I know if I can ever trust him again? Which little signs should I look for, to know that it’s even a good idea to try and trust him again?
5 Signs You Can Regain Trust in Your Relationship
I didn’t know where to start, but one day I stumbled upon an article by John Alken and suddenly I knew what to look for. The article was about little yet important signs that your husband can be trusted again (some day), even if he cheated on you.
I want to share it with you now:
#1 – No Contact Rule
Your spouse needs to cut all contact with his lover. This can be difficult if they work together, mix in the same social circles or if it’s your next door neighbour.
However, if you’re ever going to trust him again you need to know the other woman is out of the picture.
Your spouse needs to agree taht if she ever contacts him again he’ll have to tell you first before he respond.
You must work as a team now and be completely transparent.
#2 – Remorse
You don’t want to hear excuses like “it was an accident”, “all men cheat — it’s what we do!’, or “I don’t know why it happened”.
And you don’t want him to tell you that it was nothing and to downplay it all.
Instead, he must show real remorse for his actions and take full responsibility for his bad choices. If he doesn’t, then you’ll simply keep your guard up because everything indicates that he’ll do it again (Here’s how to know is he’s a serial cheater).
#3 – Open Book
Most people who have been cheated on will have specific questions they need answered. You’ll have awful images running around in your head that never stop, and you’ll obsess about what exactly happened. You must be able to ask your questions —Hhowever graphic they are – To get all the pieces of the puzzle.
If he isn’t willing to answer these questions or gives you vague responses then you’ll suspect he is hiding something and you’ll never move forward.
#4 – New Rules
To move forward with trusting your partner again he is going to need to follow new specific rules (See The Post Affair Agreement) It might be that he take off all passwords from his phone and computer, show you weekly bank statements and monthly phone bills, or come home from work at 6pm every night.
He might need to call you twice a day, or cut off contact with toxic friends. Whatever the rules, your partner needs to make these a priority.
#5 – No Fight or Flight
If he manages to get this far and show you all of these signs, then it’s time for you both to turn your attention to your relationship.
There will be aspects of this that aren’t working and you’ll both need to give this an overhaul. In the end, your relationship must be different if you are going to survive.
Look at the areas of communication, sex, time spent together, socializing, parenting, finances, housework and in-laws. Make sure that these problem areas don’t remain obstacles to re-building trust.
And Now…Your Part
You couldn’t be more wrong if you think you can survive this awful crisis on your own. Even if your spouse is fully committed to saving your relationship, the chances of you forgiving and forgetting are low.
First thing to do, even if it goes against your urges, is to learn how to deal with your painful emotions.
The second step is to learn how to survive an affair.
If you really want your relationship to survive this, you need outside professional help. This is a great place to start, it shows you exactly what to do if you want a chance of saving your relationship and restoring the honesty after his affair.
Don’t wait, do something NOW, before it’s too late.
Rooting for ya,
What do you think? Can your spouse ever be trusted again?
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