How to Regain Trust in a Relationship (After He Cheated)

When I found out my husband had an affair, my first instinct was to throw him out and call a lawyer.
After the initial rage faded a bit, I started to think more clearly. I thought about our children, I thought about our family and our future, and I decided to give my marriage and my husband one last chance.

One of the first things I wanted to find out is how to regain trust in a relationship. This is because I truly believed that I could never trust him again. Ever.

How to Regain Trust in a Relationship

I didn’t know where to start, but one day I stumbled upon an article by John Alken and suddenly I knew what to look for. The article was about little yet important signs that your husband can be trusted again (some day), even if he cheated on you.

I want to share it with you now:

regain-trust-in-a-relationship

#1 -  No Contact Rule

Your cheating spouse needs to cut all contact with his lover. This can be difficult if they work together, mix in the same social circles or live next door. However, if you’re going to trust them again you need to know their lover is out of the picture.

If they ever contact your partner again you also need an agreement that this goes to you first before they respond back. You must work as a team now and be totally transparent.

#2 – Remorse

You don’t want to hear excuses like “it was an accident”, “all men cheat — it’s what we do!’, or “I don’t know why it happened?” Nor do you want them to tell you that it was nothing and to downplay it all.

Instead, they must show you real pain and remorse for their actions and take full responsibility for their bad choices. If they don’t, then you’ll simply keep your guard up because everything indicates that they’ll do it again.

#3 – Open Book

Most people who have been cheated on will have specific questions they need answered. You’ll have awful images running around in your head that never stop, and you’ll obsess about what exactly happened. You must be able to ask your questions — however graphic they are -  To get all the pieces of the puzzle.

If he isn’t willing to answer these questions or gives you vague responses then you’ll suspect  he is hiding something and you’ll never move forward.

#4 – Law Abiding Man

To move forward with trusting your partner again he is going to need to follow new specific rules. It might be that he take off all passwords from their cell phone and computer, show you weekly bank statements and monthly phone bills, or come home from work at 6pm every night.

He might need to call you twice a day, or cut off contact with toxic friends. Whatever the rules, your partner needs to make these a priority.

#5 – No Fight or Flight

If he manages to get this far and show you all of these signs, then it’s time for you both to turn your attention to your relationship. There will be aspects of this that aren’t working and you’ll both need to give this an overhaul. In the end, your relationship must be different  if you are going to survive.

Look at the areas of communication, sex, time spent together, socializing, parenting, finances, housework and in-laws. Make sure that these problem areas don’t remain obstacles to re-building trust.

And Now…Your Part

You couldn’t be more wrong if you think you can survive this awful crisis on your own. Even if your spouse is fully committed to saving your relationship, the chances of you forgiving and forgetting is very low.

First thing to do, even if it goes against your urges, is to learn how to deal with your painful emotions.

The second step is to learn how to survive an affair – from a professional.

If you really want your relationship to survive this, you need outside professional help. This is a great place to start, it shows you exactly what to do if you want a chance of saving your relationship and restoring the honesty after his affair.

Don’t wait, do something NOW, before it’s too late.

Rooting for ya,

Lisa

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  1. what do you do when your husband won’t tell you the truth and keeps saying he didn’t do anything but you have proof that he did? do you trust him or is he going to do it again? please help, i’m going crazy

    • If you have proof you should show him the proof. Even if he stormes out of the house (to win some time), he will eventually have to deal with the evidence. I don’t think it’s time to consider trusting him again when he it still lying. You are not done with the confronting phase yet. I just finished a helpful post about how to confront a cheater effectively, it will help you out, it’s right here: http://www.how-to-save-marriage.org/confront-a-cheater/

  2. My fiancé cheated on me when were living in the same country but I only found out after our relationship became a long distant relationship and a day before I was admitted to hospital and almost died. As you can imagine I was torn between the anger and almost dying and wanting him to be with me. I still love him…he blaims himself and takes full responsibility but when ask questions about the affair he avoids the question or takes forever to answer its really hard because its long distant his forver apologising and trying to be there as much as he can as I am still recovering. The relationship has almost ended so many times since I have found out about 3weeks ago.

    I really do not know what to do because I asked for his fb n email account details n he kept procastinating about the fb. First started off that I am going to be going through his fb emails but at that time i lacked strength then he was like after me asking on several occasions that there is messages is from girls and he wants me to concentrate getting better.

    I know this sounds awful and I know he was going to tell me about the affair when I was meant to visit this Christmas because I already had my supscions.

    A long distant relationship is hard enough on its own but I am starting to think we cannot be saved because of the distance and its like its messing him up but I believe if I was there he could not avoid me and when I said this yesterday when instant messaging he couldn’t say anything back and later 4am in the morning instant messaged me a statement that made no sense and called me and then later in morning instant messaged how much he loves me.

    I am really confused right now in the beginning i thought i could not deal with a break up because of my health but I am home now and I think I can now deal with it but deep down I don’t won’t it break it off